You know what’s weird? We’re all so dang different. I mean really different! Some things I might LOVE you might HATE! Why is that? How come we’re not all the same?
Some of us see a black man trying to get into his home might think he is really trying to break in? On the other hand, some of us, when confronted by police, might automatically assume we’re not going to be treated fairly. More importantly, why would anyone invited for a beer at the White House think that serving Bud Light is a good idea?
It seems like we should all be a lot more similar than we are. Think about it – in every area of our lives, you’re different from me, from your co-workers, friends, family. No one you know is exactly like you. You are you and I am, well, maybe not me, exactly, but a reasonable facsimile anyway.
Let’s just take a look at some every day examples . . .
FOOD & DRINK
I LOVE beer! All different types of beer – as long as it’s not your cheap, run of the mill PBR kinda stuff anyway. On the other hand, there are tons of other people who love beer who only like the kinds of stuff that I think is crap – like your cheap, run of the mill, PBR kinda crap. For heaven’s sake, the President likes Bud Light! What is wrong with him? And then there are tons of people who don’t like beer at all – my ex-wife, for instance. And there are a whole other host of folks who may or may not like beer but think it’s wrong to drink it.
I LOVE seafood! Crab, salmon, shrimp, calamari and pretty much any fish that’s used in sushi. On the other hand, there are tons of people who hate seafood of any kind. Or maybe just shellfish. Some follow the dictates of Leviticus 11:10 that says, “But you must never eat animals from the sea or from rivers that do not have both fins and scales. They are detestable to you. This applies both to little creatures that live in shallow water and to all creatures that live in deep water.” I don’t care. I’ll eat it all. Except oysters. They’re too dang slimy.
I LIKE chocolate. I don’t love it. I just like it. It’s good in small doses. I like truffles from Euphoria Chocolate, Rocky Road Ice Cream, chocolate covered cranberries from Trader Joes – but in relatively small doses. On the other hand, there are people like my Mom who wouldn’t trust someone who doesn’t like chocolate.
SPORTS
I LOVE basketball! But only college and high school basketball. I hate the NBA. Haven’t watched a game in years – an entire game anyway. Other than Lebron, Shaq and some jerks like Kobe, I don’t know all that many NBA players. And could care less about them. On the other hand, everywhere you go you see people with authentic NBA jerseys walking around. And I just can’t understand anyone who is a Lakers fan. What is wrong with those people? (Sorry Bryant!)
I LOVE baseball! There are few things more enjoyable than sitting in a major league ballpark, drinking a $9.00 beer and watching a baseball game. A few years ago, Jake, Jeremy and I went on a baseball road trip – six games in seven days, or something like that. I had a blast. I kept saying, “I sure wish someone would pay me to just go to baseball games!” On the other hand, there are people like Jeremy, who think baseball is for fat kids and that it’s painfully boring. Although, he is willing to go to games as long as I pay for ‘em.
I HATE non-sport sports. Pseudo-sports like gymnastics, or ice skating or synchronized swimming. Anything where the result comes from a rating is not a sport! As much as I might like watching things like the X-Games, most of that stuff isn’t a real sport cuz it’s judged rather than a winner being determined objectively by who was fastest, or scored the most points, etc. On the other hand, there are people who love those types of competitions – not to mention fringe sports like billiards or motocross or demolition derbies.
ENTERTAINMENT
I LOVE Jonny Quest! I think this is the best cartoon show ever made. On the other hand, other people love The Simpsons, or Family Guy, or King of the Hill, or Bugs Bunny or, heaven forbid, The Smurfs!
I LOVE music! All types of music. Jazz, hip-hop, rock, country, gospel. On the other hand, I really don’t like much in the way of pop music, which is most of what makes it onto the Top 40 these days. Lady Gaga, Katy Perry, Sean Kingston, Taylor Swift – count me out.
I LOVE concerts! Some of my favorite memories are from concerts I’ve been too. U2, John Mayer, The John Butler Trio, The Doobie Brothers, Lyle Lovett, Fleetwood Mac, Sting, Ben Harper, Beck, Ella Fitzgerald, Dave Brubeck . . . On the other hand, I wouldn’t be caught dead at a Celine Dion or Neil Diamond concert.
I HATE (most) outdoor festivals and fairs. Big crowds, hot weather, bad food, blecch! While I do like a good beer festival and while I might go to the Oregon Country Fair sometime, just to say I’ve been, most things like this do not appeal to me. (Especially if it has the word “Faeiries” in the title somewhere.) On the other hand, some people LOVE this kinda thing. And just a little travel tip for ya, don’t go anywhere near Sisters during the annual Quilt Festival!
PERSONAL LIFE
I HATE getting up in the morning! I’d sleep until noon, if I could. (Based on my increasingly late arrival times, most of my coworkers assume that I do, actually.) On the other hand, there are people like Sandy, Sue and Jenny, who LOVE to get up early. They set their alarms to get up at 5:00 or 5:30. (We’re talking about AM, not PM here.) They say they like the quiet of the early morning and the chance to get some things done before the work day starts. What is wrong with these people?
I HATE getting ready for the day! All the morning rituals like showering, shaving, brushing my teeth, etc. What a waste of time. I could be reading OR watching Jonny Quest! On the other hand, I saw an episode of Obsessed about a woman spends 30 minutes cleaning her teeth after every meal. That’s crazy! I brush my teeth, of course – and do all the rest of it - but mostly because I don’t want to offend the people I encounter any more than I already do. Other than that, who knows how long I might go before deciding that maybe I should shower because the brown tone of my skin might not all be due to being in the sun.
PERSONAL BELIEFS
I LOVE talking about spiritual things like faith or people’s personal beliefs! I won’t evangelize here but my faith is pretty dang important to me and there are few things that pique my interest more than having a good healthy discussion about God and faith and theology. The nature and type of relationship God wants with us is endlessly fascinating, as are the beliefs of others whose spiritual background is different from mine. OR who don’t believe God exists at all. OR who believe there may be something else out there but that we can’t really be sure what it is. My own background is pretty traditionally Christian and I have had some pretty dang remarkable spiritual experiences myself that have just blown me away. On the other hand, I’m always interested in hearing about other’s experiences, no matter how weird or freaky they might at first seem to me.
I HATE church. I have faithfully gone to church on an almost weekly basis, for my entire life. Well, except for the last three years, when I have only gone to church a handful of times. (And I mean no more than you could count on your fingers. Of one hand.) Most of the time I am bored by the whole singing / worship thing. Only one song in ten seems interesting and for too many people the whole worship things seems more like a performance thing to me. Not to mention that any church service that runs more than one hour, Satan is probably involved – because Jesus would never go to church for more than one hour! Or on Wednesdays. I know that “church” is a lot more than just that once a week worship service but if I could find a church where you go in, listen to a thought provoking sermon and are out of there in a half hour or less, I’d sign up. On the other hand, there are tons of folks, from a variety of spiritual backgrounds, who LOVE to spend hours and hours in services of one kind or another at their church, synagogue, mosque, etc. I don’t get it but more power to ‘em, I guess.
I could go on (but I already have, so no need to go further) but let me just add one thing. While it really does strike me as strange that we’re not a lot more homogenous, in the end it is very cool. I have learned a TON from others who see or like things differently than I do. I would probably have never eaten asparagus, or discovered jazz or read Lonesome Dove, if it hadn’t been for someone else who made me look at things a bit differently. Not to mention that I probably wouldn’t be a liberal, beer-drinking, ex-Mormon, prejudice-hating, evangelical, if a few other people hadn’t been a part of my life to help me see things a bit differently than I would have otherwise. Life is kinda weird that way.
On the other hand, I think I became a banker totally by accident.
Friday, July 31, 2009
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Friday, July 24, 2009
Things I Will Never Understand
I am someone who questions LOTS of things. As I’ve gotten older (and yes, you can probably read into this “more senile”) I have begun to realize that some questions just don’t have an answer. Or, at least an answer that makes sense to me anyway. Apparently these are things I will just never understand. Such as:
* Why do stock prices goes up when I think it should go down and vice versa.
* Why my Dad, an intelligent man, automatically believes everything he receives in an email, as long as it agrees with his worldview.
* Why my Dad, an intelligent man, automatically disagrees with everything I send him in an email, if it doesn’t agree with his worldview.
* People who eat beets.
* Why does a week of work last a full, long, five days BUT a week of vacation seems to only last about a day and a half?
* People who root for the Ducks
* People who don’t root for the Oregon State Beavers!
* Why my checking account NEVER has enough money in it.
* Cigarettes? Sure, I like a cigar or my pipe every once in a while. But cigarettes? How does anyone think that’s even remotely cool or fun?
* Ballet
* People who think Jay Leno is funny. He has never once made me laugh.
* People who don’t think David Letterman is funny.
* The mystery of financial reporting. I swear those people are just making it up as they go along.
* Vodka. Vodka’s motto should be: Makes anything taste really bad!
* People who don’t want kids but have them anyway. Usually by accident. Seems like there should be an easy way to turn that switch off.
* People who want kids but shouldn’t have them. Seems like there should be an easy way to turn that switch off.
* Dick Cheney
* God.
* Snakes. They serve no purpose and you can’t convince me otherwise.
* Paris Hilton. She serves no purpose and you can’t convince me otherwise.
* Believing abortion is wrong but capital punishment is okay.
* Believing capital punishment is wrong but abortion is okay.
* Why women (and especially young girls) LOVE vampires – and in a way that seems just a little bit sleazy.
* And, of course, women in general.
* Why do stock prices goes up when I think it should go down and vice versa.
* Why my Dad, an intelligent man, automatically believes everything he receives in an email, as long as it agrees with his worldview.
* Why my Dad, an intelligent man, automatically disagrees with everything I send him in an email, if it doesn’t agree with his worldview.
* People who eat beets.
* Why does a week of work last a full, long, five days BUT a week of vacation seems to only last about a day and a half?
* People who root for the Ducks
* People who don’t root for the Oregon State Beavers!
* Why my checking account NEVER has enough money in it.
* Cigarettes? Sure, I like a cigar or my pipe every once in a while. But cigarettes? How does anyone think that’s even remotely cool or fun?
* Ballet
* People who think Jay Leno is funny. He has never once made me laugh.
* People who don’t think David Letterman is funny.
* The mystery of financial reporting. I swear those people are just making it up as they go along.
* Vodka. Vodka’s motto should be: Makes anything taste really bad!
* People who don’t want kids but have them anyway. Usually by accident. Seems like there should be an easy way to turn that switch off.
* People who want kids but shouldn’t have them. Seems like there should be an easy way to turn that switch off.
* Dick Cheney
* God.
* Snakes. They serve no purpose and you can’t convince me otherwise.
* Paris Hilton. She serves no purpose and you can’t convince me otherwise.
* Believing abortion is wrong but capital punishment is okay.
* Believing capital punishment is wrong but abortion is okay.
* Why women (and especially young girls) LOVE vampires – and in a way that seems just a little bit sleazy.
* And, of course, women in general.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
At Least He Has A Birth Certificate
The State Department lost mine when I sent it to them in 1991 to prove I was me so I could get a passport. And mine was just some photostatic copy from the 1950s purportedly showing me to have been born in Oakland, California to individuals whose names were redacted (cuz I'm adopted). The President's looks much more legit than mine!
Let me just add that if you really think those dumbass "birthers" have any kind of legitimate case, well, uh, your wheels may be turning but your hamster is dead.
The best piece of evidence in Obama's defense (as if he should actually have to spend any time on red herrings cast about by idiot racists) might actually be his birth announcement (as pointed out in this article from Gawker):
One last word about this—the thing that I've personally had the most trouble understanding about the "birthers" is how they can possibly discount the birth announcement below that ran in the Honolulu Advertiser announcing the birth of a son to a Mr. and Mrs. Barack Obama on August 4, 1961, which just so happens to be the president's birthday. Now, I can sort of maybe understand the argument that official documents like birth certificates can be forged to cover something up, but what explanation do the "birthers" have for this piece of historical newsprint, something that's been preserved on microfiche for years now? I mean, in order to discount this you'd have to make the argument that Obama's family planted this item in the paper almost 50 years ago just in case he was to someday run for president. It's just all so ridiculously nonsensical.
You Have Died of Cholera
I'm reading a great book titled "The Selected Works of T.S. Spivet" by Reif Larsen. I recommend it for all sorts of reasons not the least of which is that it gives the ultimate cheat for beating the original version of The Oregon Trail game. If only middle school teachers had not witheld this information, millions of lives could have been saved!
Just a bit of background. T.S. Privet is a 12 year old boy living on a ranch in Montana with his family. He and his younger brother Layton, loved playing Oregon Trail on their ancient Apple IIGS. ("'Old Smokey' as we called her."
You can thank me later . . .
Just a bit of background. T.S. Privet is a 12 year old boy living on a ranch in Montana with his family. He and his younger brother Layton, loved playing Oregon Trail on their ancient Apple IIGS. ("'Old Smokey' as we called her."
Layton figured out that if you spent all of your money on oxen in Independence, Missouri, at the beginning of the game - forsaking food, clothing, and ammunition to buy an aramada of yoked cattle 160 strong - that the game would not provide any maximum speed for your wagon but rather continue to increase your pace by 6 MPH for each oxen. Thus, you could finish the game in two days, by traveling what I figured out to be approximately 960 MPH. Naked, hungry and unarmed, you still blasted across this continent before the cholera could catch up to you. That first time we won the game this way, we both stared at the screen, dumbstruck, trying to make room in our mental maps for a world that could include such a loophole.
Then Layton said, "That game kind of sucks now."
You can thank me later . . .
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Crabby Petey
As a condition of my parole I am not allowed to travel outside a five mile radius of my home without the express written consent of Major Leagues Baseball. In addition, it is not very often that I am invited to an event by one of the branches I work with at U.S. Bank. (I have been disinvited a few times, however!) So, imagine my surprise at being able to attend the annual Coos Bay BBQ at Bastendorff Park last Thursday. I even got to sneak out of work a few hours early!
This is always a very fun event that brings together current and former employees of not just the Coos Bay branch but also North Bend and Coquille Valley as well. It’s always fun to talk with former employees about how things were in the “olden” days. It’s even more fun to talk with spouses / significant others / family members, to get a clearer picture of the folks that work for us!
One person who is a semi-frequent attender is our Division Operations Manager, my boss, Shawn Crawford. (Insert applause here.) Shawn, his wife Lori, daughters Ashley and Alyssa and even their “dog” Abby, all made the trek from Bend to be at this event. Shawn grew up in Coos Bay and Lori in North Bend (let the trash talking begin) so this area is near and dear to their hearts. Not to mention that Shawn spent a fair amount of his “work college” years training at Coos Bay branch.
And then there’s the food. Sure, there’s the usual fare: hamburgers, hot dogs, pop and the ever popular giant milk container sized potato and macaroni salads. BUT what makes this event unique is The Crab!
Every year folks take their lives in their hands to venture into heavy seas, dropping crab pots into the ice crusted Pacific Ocean, just so attendees of the BBQ have a little higher quality picnic food. Okay, I may have exaggerated the risk a bit. It’s probably more like dropping a crab pot off a pier somewhere in town, sitting back with a beer and cigarette and waiting for the crab to take the bait. In any event, watch for all the fun and excitement in the new Discovery Series, Doofiest Catch.
The highlight of the activities is the annual Coos Bay / North Bend Smoker. The intense (and almost absurd) rivalry between these two communities comes to a head when staff members from each branch pair off in a double-elimination tournament to determine who is the best mixed-martial arts fighter in the greater bay area. The branch with the last employee standing earns bragging rights for the next year. It also has the additional benefit of calming down the bitter rivalry between these two branches. For a couple of weeks at least.
I love road trips like this. (Just ask Shawn about our wild weekend road trip to Vegas back in the late 90s!) I like driving with the windows down (or the sun roof open, at least), playing loud music and driving safely within the speed limit (as far as any of you or the OSP know, anyway).
Here’s one tip though: When driving home late at night it may be tempting to stop at Dutch Brothers to get a 20 ounce Annihilator with four (count ‘em) four shots of espresso. When driving in the dark, late at night, after working all day (if you can call what I do “working”), a little coffee only makes sense, right? Well, it worked for me, in that it kept me awake all the way home! And beyond. There’s nothing more depressing than turning on your radio - hoping the noise will help you go to sleep – only to hear, “This is NPR’s Morning Edition. I’m Steve Inskeep.”
But that’s not what I wanted to tell you about. I really wanted to give you a sense of what the event is really like. I think it’s best illustrated by some of the comments I heard along the way. These little snippets will kinda make you feel like you were there and secretly eavesdropping on things. (Which, coincidentally, is something my parole officer has asked me to stop doing . . .) Most of these probably won’t make much sense unless you know the people involved but, nonetheless, and without further ado (what the heck does “ado” mean anyway?) here are the:
Top Ten Things I Overheard at the Coos Bay BBQ
10. From a hard core sales manager: “Okay, if everyone is done eating let’s get going on those outbound calls!”
9. From a Branch Manager to his assistant manager: “How many times do I have to tell you – I do sales. You do everything else.”
8. Alyssa Crawford (12): “Peter, how many times do I have to tell you – I am not carrying Nick Jonas’ child!”
7. Shawn Crawford: “Dude, come over to our car and check out the sweet car charger we got for our dog!”
6. A U.S. Bank employee: “YES, I’m going to see Harry Potter tonight and NO, that doesn’t make me a loser!”
5. Another U.S. Bank employee: “Pink IS my signature color and HECK YEAH I made my husband wear it when our baby girl was born!”
4. Another ‘nother U.S. Bank employee: “If you knew about some of the stories these people tell about their after hours parties in the branch back in the 70s and 80s, you’d be surprised no one ever got arrested!”
3. A LOOOONG time U.S. Bank employee: “Whaddya mean, no one ever got arrested? Dude, I spent three weeks in the joint after the fabled “Coos Bay Burning Man Chamber of Commerce” party! The branch smelled like smoke for a year after that.”
2. Still another U.S. Bank employee: “Wow! I have never seen one person eat so much crab before!”
And The Number One Thing I Overheard at the Coos Bay BBQ:
One more U.S. Bank employee: “Yeah, well, Peter doesn’t get out much . . .”
This is always a very fun event that brings together current and former employees of not just the Coos Bay branch but also North Bend and Coquille Valley as well. It’s always fun to talk with former employees about how things were in the “olden” days. It’s even more fun to talk with spouses / significant others / family members, to get a clearer picture of the folks that work for us!
One person who is a semi-frequent attender is our Division Operations Manager, my boss, Shawn Crawford. (Insert applause here.) Shawn, his wife Lori, daughters Ashley and Alyssa and even their “dog” Abby, all made the trek from Bend to be at this event. Shawn grew up in Coos Bay and Lori in North Bend (let the trash talking begin) so this area is near and dear to their hearts. Not to mention that Shawn spent a fair amount of his “work college” years training at Coos Bay branch.
And then there’s the food. Sure, there’s the usual fare: hamburgers, hot dogs, pop and the ever popular giant milk container sized potato and macaroni salads. BUT what makes this event unique is The Crab!
Every year folks take their lives in their hands to venture into heavy seas, dropping crab pots into the ice crusted Pacific Ocean, just so attendees of the BBQ have a little higher quality picnic food. Okay, I may have exaggerated the risk a bit. It’s probably more like dropping a crab pot off a pier somewhere in town, sitting back with a beer and cigarette and waiting for the crab to take the bait. In any event, watch for all the fun and excitement in the new Discovery Series, Doofiest Catch.
The highlight of the activities is the annual Coos Bay / North Bend Smoker. The intense (and almost absurd) rivalry between these two communities comes to a head when staff members from each branch pair off in a double-elimination tournament to determine who is the best mixed-martial arts fighter in the greater bay area. The branch with the last employee standing earns bragging rights for the next year. It also has the additional benefit of calming down the bitter rivalry between these two branches. For a couple of weeks at least.
I love road trips like this. (Just ask Shawn about our wild weekend road trip to Vegas back in the late 90s!) I like driving with the windows down (or the sun roof open, at least), playing loud music and driving safely within the speed limit (as far as any of you or the OSP know, anyway).
Here’s one tip though: When driving home late at night it may be tempting to stop at Dutch Brothers to get a 20 ounce Annihilator with four (count ‘em) four shots of espresso. When driving in the dark, late at night, after working all day (if you can call what I do “working”), a little coffee only makes sense, right? Well, it worked for me, in that it kept me awake all the way home! And beyond. There’s nothing more depressing than turning on your radio - hoping the noise will help you go to sleep – only to hear, “This is NPR’s Morning Edition. I’m Steve Inskeep.”
But that’s not what I wanted to tell you about. I really wanted to give you a sense of what the event is really like. I think it’s best illustrated by some of the comments I heard along the way. These little snippets will kinda make you feel like you were there and secretly eavesdropping on things. (Which, coincidentally, is something my parole officer has asked me to stop doing . . .) Most of these probably won’t make much sense unless you know the people involved but, nonetheless, and without further ado (what the heck does “ado” mean anyway?) here are the:
Top Ten Things I Overheard at the Coos Bay BBQ
10. From a hard core sales manager: “Okay, if everyone is done eating let’s get going on those outbound calls!”
9. From a Branch Manager to his assistant manager: “How many times do I have to tell you – I do sales. You do everything else.”
8. Alyssa Crawford (12): “Peter, how many times do I have to tell you – I am not carrying Nick Jonas’ child!”
7. Shawn Crawford: “Dude, come over to our car and check out the sweet car charger we got for our dog!”
6. A U.S. Bank employee: “YES, I’m going to see Harry Potter tonight and NO, that doesn’t make me a loser!”
5. Another U.S. Bank employee: “Pink IS my signature color and HECK YEAH I made my husband wear it when our baby girl was born!”
4. Another ‘nother U.S. Bank employee: “If you knew about some of the stories these people tell about their after hours parties in the branch back in the 70s and 80s, you’d be surprised no one ever got arrested!”
3. A LOOOONG time U.S. Bank employee: “Whaddya mean, no one ever got arrested? Dude, I spent three weeks in the joint after the fabled “Coos Bay Burning Man Chamber of Commerce” party! The branch smelled like smoke for a year after that.”
2. Still another U.S. Bank employee: “Wow! I have never seen one person eat so much crab before!”
And The Number One Thing I Overheard at the Coos Bay BBQ:
One more U.S. Bank employee: “Yeah, well, Peter doesn’t get out much . . .”
Friday, July 10, 2009
Headlines by Headcases
Maybe it's just me but do you ever notice how headlines on the internet are a bit more attention grabbing than your average newspaper headline? Some are pretty dang clever. Others are kinda mysterious. Still others are just outrageous! In any event, they are really designed to make you want to click on the article to find out more.
So, last night, while I was watching the season premier of Big Brother (my favorite guilty pleasure of the summer) I collected a few headlines I thought best illustrated this point. You're on your own to figure out what the story behind the headline really is all about, however!
National News
* SWAT Team Called In When Man's Grass Needs Mowing
* U.S. Department Of Defense To Use Hummingbirds As Spies
* "Hello JFK Tower, This Is Jetblue Flight #258. I Saw A Turtle."
* Man Killed In Pool Of Chocolate
* Just When You Thought The Bingo Halls Were Safe
* You Guys Do Know This Is For A Funeral Right?
* If You Find A Live Grenade In Your Newly Purchased Vehicle, You Probably Shouldn't Wait A Month To Call Authorities
* Connecticut Man Arrested While Trying To Shoot Off Tree Limb
* 21 Year Old Man Steals A Baby Skunk From A Pet Store & Gets Away. Authorities Were Able To Apprehend The Man When He Tried To Buy 40 Gallons Of Tomato Juice At A Grocery Store
* Smash-And-Grab Robberies Of Cell Phone Stores Tend To Be More Lucrative When You Loot The Real Phones, Not The Hollow Replica Display Phones
* Phrases NOT To Say When Arguing With Your Mother's Boyfriend Over A Can Of Beer: "What Are You Going To Do, Shoot Me?”
* Manhattan's Four Remaining Phone Booths. You May Want To Bookmark This, Mr. Kent
* If You Get Pulled Over On Suspicion Of A DUI, The Cop Will Respect You More If You Have Your Pants On.
World News
* Kim Jong Il More Web Savvy Than The Average Despot
* A Nobel Peace Prize For Twitter?
* Man Dies As Bug Hits Cruise Ship
* Burger King Forced To Apologize To Hindus
* Afghan's Only Pig Escapes
* Frogs Combat Deadly Fever?
* Devil Arrested For Felony Battery
* Obama Caught Blatantly Ogling Some Of The Nicer Scenery At The G8 Summit, While Sarkozy Looks On In Approval
Politics
* States Look To Cigarettes To Bridge Budget Gaps
* Why Toilet Paper Belongs To America
* You Can Now Honor America From Yankee Stadium's Loo
* Is Al Franken Too Funny For The Senate?
* Sara Palin Para Sailin'
* Limbaugh Goes Over Edge, Calls For Overthrow Of U.S. Government
Business
* 70 Percent Of All Praise Sarcastic
* California Leads The Nation With 912 Bank Robberies A Year
* Cleavage: Coming To An Office Near You
* And You Thought You Had A Crappy Job
* Hall Of Shame: 12 Of The Worst Financial Gurus
* Bank of America Bans Customer For Life
* People Who Use Payday Loans Often Take Out Another Once They Pay The First One Back, Since They Are Clearly Financial Geniuses For Using Payday Loans In The First Place
* "Baby Floats Recalled." Maybe The Root Beer Was Too Warm And The Babies Melted
* United Airlines Breaks Guitars
* Sea Aged Beer Available After Two Centuries
Sports
* Lebron Gets Dunked On; None Of Us Are Witnesses
* NFL Will Not Allow Players To Twitter During Games
* The Laws Of Patriotism Will Require You To Root For Coach K In 2012
* Former Bubbly Blonde Olympic Figure Skater Is Now Meth-Running Brunette
* Andy Roddick's Heartbreaking Day At The Beer Pong Table
* Here's Erin Andrews Getting Angry At Someone For Pulling On Her Cords
Lifestyle
* Happy 123456789 At 12:34:56 On 7-8-9. Tell Us How You'll Celebrate
* Scared Of The Dark? Get A Suge Knight Light!
* New Study Shows That Women Spend A Year Of Their Lives Deciding What To Wear, Probably Because They Never Seem To Accept "It Looks Fine, Now Can We Just Go?" As An Answer
* Monkeys Recognize Poor Grammar
* The Best Marriage Proposal In World History
* The Man Wall Redefines TV Watching, Increases Divorce Rate
* Oh Crap. My Parents Joined Facebook.
* 5 Lies Women Tell About Relationships
* Sexy Reading Makes Women Swoon
* What Your Tattoo Really Says About You
* Monkey Is A Killer When Starved Of Sex
* Bacon Tattoo Alert!
* All You Can Eat, With A Side Order Of Cardiac Disease
* Do I Have A Dracula Biting On My Head?
* Was Darwin Wrong? Peacocks And Sexual Selection
* 14 Basic Skills All Men Should Possess
* Largest Dinosaurs Ate Often, Exercised Little
* This House Requires 10 Hours Just To Clean All The Bathrooms
* Why Marrying For Money Isn't A Bad Idea
* A Squirrel's Guide To Fashion
* The First Rule Of Cardboard Tube Fight Club Is No Outside Tubes Allowed
Entertainment
* The Worst Pictures We Could Find Of Megan Fox
* CNN Captures Michael Jackson's Ghost At Neverland!
* Movie Not Nearly As Awful As Hoped
Science / Technology
* Can Urine Rescue Hydrogen-Powered Cars?
* Locomotive Vs. Tornado: Guess Which Wins?
* Robot Invented To Crawl Through Veins
* El Nino Is Back. And This Time It's Personal
* Six Cool Tricks You Can Do With Fire That Might Kill You
So, last night, while I was watching the season premier of Big Brother (my favorite guilty pleasure of the summer) I collected a few headlines I thought best illustrated this point. You're on your own to figure out what the story behind the headline really is all about, however!
National News
* SWAT Team Called In When Man's Grass Needs Mowing
* U.S. Department Of Defense To Use Hummingbirds As Spies
* "Hello JFK Tower, This Is Jetblue Flight #258. I Saw A Turtle."
* Man Killed In Pool Of Chocolate
* Just When You Thought The Bingo Halls Were Safe
* You Guys Do Know This Is For A Funeral Right?
* If You Find A Live Grenade In Your Newly Purchased Vehicle, You Probably Shouldn't Wait A Month To Call Authorities
* Connecticut Man Arrested While Trying To Shoot Off Tree Limb
* 21 Year Old Man Steals A Baby Skunk From A Pet Store & Gets Away. Authorities Were Able To Apprehend The Man When He Tried To Buy 40 Gallons Of Tomato Juice At A Grocery Store
* Smash-And-Grab Robberies Of Cell Phone Stores Tend To Be More Lucrative When You Loot The Real Phones, Not The Hollow Replica Display Phones
* Phrases NOT To Say When Arguing With Your Mother's Boyfriend Over A Can Of Beer: "What Are You Going To Do, Shoot Me?”
* Manhattan's Four Remaining Phone Booths. You May Want To Bookmark This, Mr. Kent
* If You Get Pulled Over On Suspicion Of A DUI, The Cop Will Respect You More If You Have Your Pants On.
World News
* Kim Jong Il More Web Savvy Than The Average Despot
* A Nobel Peace Prize For Twitter?
* Man Dies As Bug Hits Cruise Ship
* Burger King Forced To Apologize To Hindus
* Afghan's Only Pig Escapes
* Frogs Combat Deadly Fever?
* Devil Arrested For Felony Battery
* Obama Caught Blatantly Ogling Some Of The Nicer Scenery At The G8 Summit, While Sarkozy Looks On In Approval
Politics
* States Look To Cigarettes To Bridge Budget Gaps
* Why Toilet Paper Belongs To America
* You Can Now Honor America From Yankee Stadium's Loo
* Is Al Franken Too Funny For The Senate?
* Sara Palin Para Sailin'
* Limbaugh Goes Over Edge, Calls For Overthrow Of U.S. Government
Business
* 70 Percent Of All Praise Sarcastic
* California Leads The Nation With 912 Bank Robberies A Year
* Cleavage: Coming To An Office Near You
* And You Thought You Had A Crappy Job
* Hall Of Shame: 12 Of The Worst Financial Gurus
* Bank of America Bans Customer For Life
* People Who Use Payday Loans Often Take Out Another Once They Pay The First One Back, Since They Are Clearly Financial Geniuses For Using Payday Loans In The First Place
* "Baby Floats Recalled." Maybe The Root Beer Was Too Warm And The Babies Melted
* United Airlines Breaks Guitars
* Sea Aged Beer Available After Two Centuries
Sports
* Lebron Gets Dunked On; None Of Us Are Witnesses
* NFL Will Not Allow Players To Twitter During Games
* The Laws Of Patriotism Will Require You To Root For Coach K In 2012
* Former Bubbly Blonde Olympic Figure Skater Is Now Meth-Running Brunette
* Andy Roddick's Heartbreaking Day At The Beer Pong Table
* Here's Erin Andrews Getting Angry At Someone For Pulling On Her Cords
Lifestyle
* Happy 123456789 At 12:34:56 On 7-8-9. Tell Us How You'll Celebrate
* Scared Of The Dark? Get A Suge Knight Light!
* New Study Shows That Women Spend A Year Of Their Lives Deciding What To Wear, Probably Because They Never Seem To Accept "It Looks Fine, Now Can We Just Go?" As An Answer
* Monkeys Recognize Poor Grammar
* The Best Marriage Proposal In World History
* The Man Wall Redefines TV Watching, Increases Divorce Rate
* Oh Crap. My Parents Joined Facebook.
* 5 Lies Women Tell About Relationships
* Sexy Reading Makes Women Swoon
* What Your Tattoo Really Says About You
* Monkey Is A Killer When Starved Of Sex
* Bacon Tattoo Alert!
* All You Can Eat, With A Side Order Of Cardiac Disease
* Do I Have A Dracula Biting On My Head?
* Was Darwin Wrong? Peacocks And Sexual Selection
* 14 Basic Skills All Men Should Possess
* Largest Dinosaurs Ate Often, Exercised Little
* This House Requires 10 Hours Just To Clean All The Bathrooms
* Why Marrying For Money Isn't A Bad Idea
* A Squirrel's Guide To Fashion
* The First Rule Of Cardboard Tube Fight Club Is No Outside Tubes Allowed
Entertainment
* The Worst Pictures We Could Find Of Megan Fox
* CNN Captures Michael Jackson's Ghost At Neverland!
* Movie Not Nearly As Awful As Hoped
Science / Technology
* Can Urine Rescue Hydrogen-Powered Cars?
* Locomotive Vs. Tornado: Guess Which Wins?
* Robot Invented To Crawl Through Veins
* El Nino Is Back. And This Time It's Personal
* Six Cool Tricks You Can Do With Fire That Might Kill You
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