Friday, July 10, 2009

Headlines by Headcases

Maybe it's just me but do you ever notice how headlines on the internet are a bit more attention grabbing than your average newspaper headline? Some are pretty dang clever. Others are kinda mysterious. Still others are just outrageous! In any event, they are really designed to make you want to click on the article to find out more.

So, last night, while I was watching the season premier of Big Brother (my favorite guilty pleasure of the summer) I collected a few headlines I thought best illustrated this point. You're on your own to figure out what the story behind the headline really is all about, however!


National News

* SWAT Team Called In When Man's Grass Needs Mowing

* U.S. Department Of Defense To Use Hummingbirds As Spies

* "Hello JFK Tower, This Is Jetblue Flight #258. I Saw A Turtle."

* Man Killed In Pool Of Chocolate

* Just When You Thought The Bingo Halls Were Safe

* You Guys Do Know This Is For A Funeral Right?

* If You Find A Live Grenade In Your Newly Purchased Vehicle, You Probably Shouldn't Wait A Month To Call Authorities

* Connecticut Man Arrested While Trying To Shoot Off Tree Limb

* 21 Year Old Man Steals A Baby Skunk From A Pet Store & Gets Away. Authorities Were Able To Apprehend The Man When He Tried To Buy 40 Gallons Of Tomato Juice At A Grocery Store

* Smash-And-Grab Robberies Of Cell Phone Stores Tend To Be More Lucrative When You Loot The Real Phones, Not The Hollow Replica Display Phones

* Phrases NOT To Say When Arguing With Your Mother's Boyfriend Over A Can Of Beer: "What Are You Going To Do, Shoot Me?”

* Manhattan's Four Remaining Phone Booths. You May Want To Bookmark This, Mr. Kent

* If You Get Pulled Over On Suspicion Of A DUI, The Cop Will Respect You More If You Have Your Pants On.


World News

* Kim Jong Il More Web Savvy Than The Average Despot

* A Nobel Peace Prize For Twitter?

* Man Dies As Bug Hits Cruise Ship

* Burger King Forced To Apologize To Hindus

* Afghan's Only Pig Escapes

* Frogs Combat Deadly Fever?

* Devil Arrested For Felony Battery

* Obama Caught Blatantly Ogling Some Of The Nicer Scenery At The G8 Summit, While Sarkozy Looks On In Approval


Politics

* States Look To Cigarettes To Bridge Budget Gaps

* Why Toilet Paper Belongs To America

* You Can Now Honor America From Yankee Stadium's Loo

* Is Al Franken Too Funny For The Senate?

* Sara Palin Para Sailin'

* Limbaugh Goes Over Edge, Calls For Overthrow Of U.S. Government


Business

* 70 Percent Of All Praise Sarcastic

* California Leads The Nation With 912 Bank Robberies A Year

* Cleavage: Coming To An Office Near You

* And You Thought You Had A Crappy Job

* Hall Of Shame: 12 Of The Worst Financial Gurus

* Bank of America Bans Customer For Life

* People Who Use Payday Loans Often Take Out Another Once They Pay The First One Back, Since They Are Clearly Financial Geniuses For Using Payday Loans In The First Place

* "Baby Floats Recalled." Maybe The Root Beer Was Too Warm And The Babies Melted

* United Airlines Breaks Guitars

* Sea Aged Beer Available After Two Centuries


Sports

* Lebron Gets Dunked On; None Of Us Are Witnesses

* NFL Will Not Allow Players To Twitter During Games

* The Laws Of Patriotism Will Require You To Root For Coach K In 2012

* Former Bubbly Blonde Olympic Figure Skater Is Now Meth-Running Brunette

* Andy Roddick's Heartbreaking Day At The Beer Pong Table

* Here's Erin Andrews Getting Angry At Someone For Pulling On Her Cords


Lifestyle

* Happy 123456789 At 12:34:56 On 7-8-9. Tell Us How You'll Celebrate

* Scared Of The Dark? Get A Suge Knight Light!

* New Study Shows That Women Spend A Year Of Their Lives Deciding What To Wear, Probably Because They Never Seem To Accept "It Looks Fine, Now Can We Just Go?" As An Answer

* Monkeys Recognize Poor Grammar

* The Best Marriage Proposal In World History

* The Man Wall Redefines TV Watching, Increases Divorce Rate

* Oh Crap. My Parents Joined Facebook.

* 5 Lies Women Tell About Relationships

* Sexy Reading Makes Women Swoon

* What Your Tattoo Really Says About You

* Monkey Is A Killer When Starved Of Sex

* Bacon Tattoo Alert!

* All You Can Eat, With A Side Order Of Cardiac Disease

* Do I Have A Dracula Biting On My Head?

* Was Darwin Wrong? Peacocks And Sexual Selection

* 14 Basic Skills All Men Should Possess

* Largest Dinosaurs Ate Often, Exercised Little

* This House Requires 10 Hours Just To Clean All The Bathrooms

* Why Marrying For Money Isn't A Bad Idea

* A Squirrel's Guide To Fashion

* The First Rule Of Cardboard Tube Fight Club Is No Outside Tubes Allowed


Entertainment

* The Worst Pictures We Could Find Of Megan Fox

* CNN Captures Michael Jackson's Ghost At Neverland!

* Movie Not Nearly As Awful As Hoped


Science / Technology

* Can Urine Rescue Hydrogen-Powered Cars?

* Locomotive Vs. Tornado: Guess Which Wins?

* Robot Invented To Crawl Through Veins

* El Nino Is Back. And This Time It's Personal

* Six Cool Tricks You Can Do With Fire That Might Kill You
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