I know this is just the geeky kind of thing you would expect me to watch but, until last night, I had never seen the Scripps National Spelling Bee before. It’s an interesting competition but it’s hard to believe it’s become as popular as it has. Based on the emails I receive from friends and co-workers, no one in America knows how to spell any more; let alone take the time to use spell check!

Just as weird is that the early rounds are on ESPN. What the heck does spelling have to do with sports? Far be it for me to complain about any show that has future ex-wife Erin Andrews interviewing the losers on the “sideline” but sports? No.

Even still, I watched. I think of myself as a pretty good speller. In the second grade I placed 2nd in a school-wide spelling bee against 2nd, 3rd and 4th graders. I went out on marshmallow. (It sounds a lot more like marsh-mellow than marsh-mallow!) I would watch when the word was first pronounced but then I’d avert my eyes before the word would come up on the screen. I’d listen to all the stall tactics the kids use (“Can I have the origin of the word?” “Can you give me the definition?” “Uh, any chance you could spell the word for me?”) and then would take my best shot at spelling the word myself. simnel. passacaglia. amarevole. I never got even one word right!

And then it hit me! Holy crap! None of these words are real! They made ‘em all up! iliopsoas. conchyliated. omphaloskepsis. No one I know has ever heard of any of these words. Oh sure, my son, Jeremy, said he recognized the final, winning word (Laodicean) but I think that’s just because it sounds like the name of a city in the New Testament that he probably heard about in Sunday School years ago. Still, not a real word.

And if you want evidence, here it is: Not one of the words is recognized by spell check in Microsoft Word!

About the time I realized the whole thing is faked, I got an email from my other son, Jake, who suggested that we all take part in the

NATIONAL SPELLING BEE DRINKING GAME

The rules are simple. You just take a drink . . .

Every time a contestant:
 Asks for the origin of a word
 Asks for the word in a sentence (drink AFTER the word is used in a sentence)
 Has his/her pronunciation corrected by the judges
 Fist pumps (drink while fist pumping)
 High Fives (slap the person to your right, drink once)
 Spells a word with his/her finger (i.e. on hand, name card, or in the air)

Every time the camera shows:
 Family/friends with signs (mock the sign and take a drink)
 Mothers crying

Every time:
 The bell rings (signifying the word was spelled wrong)

I know I may sound like I’m a big drinker but I’m really not. Jake’s game would have gotten me drunk in about 3 seconds I never get drunk and I certainly was not going to use the beverage Jake said was the official beer of the Scripps National Spelling Bee: PBR!

But then future ex-wife Erin Andrews came on and I decided to try a modified version of the game. I would only take a drink (Rogue Imperial Stout - not that sparkling goat urine Jake suggested) when future ex-wife Erin Andrews is on screen. Of course I don't quit drinking until she's off screen so that's kind of a problem . . .

Eventually I just focused on the contestants and the made up words they were pretending to spell. These were my favorites – the ones I was rooting for:

Tim Ruiter of Centerville, Virginia. Just from watching him for a few rounds I was not surprised that his bio on the Scripps National Spelling Bee web site confirmed what I already suspected: “Tim has devoted a lot of time to Star Wars, Star Trek, and The Lord of the Rings. He's studied the character of Gollum enough to pull off a terrific impression.”

Kyle Mou of Peoria, Illinois. Kyle went out on schizaffin – a made up word if I’ve ever heard one! (Ostensibly it means: a small breakfast cake originally developed by Snoop Dog.) His bio says he “enjoys his time spent as a member of his school's scholastic bowl team.” His “scholastic bowl team?” What the heck is that? Bowling and scholastics do NOT go together. And how would it work anyway? Every pin represents an element of the periodic table and you have to give the common name of the compound created by the pins you’ve knocked down?

Aishwarya Pastapur, Springfield, Illinois. She was so serious! She made every word look like the fate of the free world depended on her getting it right! I mean, how tough is guayabera anyway? (Guayabera: a refreshing drink native to the Oaxaca region of Mexico.)

Kennyi Aouad, Terra Haute, Indiana. This guy was the opposite of Aishawarya. Mr. Smirkypants! Looked like he might bust up at any moment. He went out on the word palatschinken, which they claimed was a type of “mouth watering poultry.” (I ain’t buying it.)

Neetu Chandak, Geneva New York. The thing I loved most about this girl is that after she spelled (or misspelled, as the case may be) her last word (derriengue – which is some kind of whipped topping used on, well, you don’t wanna know), she immediately said, “ding!” She knew she hadn’t gotten it right. It was good for a laugh in a room full of nerds.

Kavya Shivashankar, Olathe, Kansas. This is your champion, ladies and gentlemen. A three-time top 10 finisher who “looks forward to becoming a neurosurgeon.” Big surprise! A profession featuring a lot of made up words!

All in all, it was pretty cool but by the end of the tournament I had formed a new theory: All the made up words are nothing but a “word jumble” using the contestants names!

Thinking back on all the rambling stuff I’ve written about here over the past couple of years got me to thinking about how well all of you probably know me. It feels like my life is an open book and that I’m probably more than a bit guilty of over-sharing. Nevertheless, maybe it’s time for all of you to take the . . . .

“How Well Do You Know Peter Milliron” Quiz!

It’s available through this link to my Facebook page. For most of you, NOT taking this lame quiz is probably your option of choice. That’s okay, my feelings won’t be hurt.

For the rest of you here are the questions, just in case you wanna sneak peak . . .

1. I was born in . . .
 Portland, Oregon
 Wenatchee, Washington
 Oakland, California
 Salt Lake City, Utah
 . . . spite of God’s better judgment.

2. I have three sisters. Their names are:
 Connie, Connie and Jane
 Connie, Connie and Elizabeth
 Carla, Carla and Jane
 Carla, Carla and Elizabeth
 Larry, Darryl and my other brother Darryl

3. My favorite book is:
 The DaVinci Code by Dan Brown
 Lonesome Dove by Larry McMurtry
 A Wrinkle In Time by Madeleine L’Engle
 The World According to Garp by John Irving
 Harry Potter and the Steaming Pile of Crap by Rush Limbaugh

4. My demon-possessed black lab, Rudy, is named after:
 Rudy Ruettiger – the guy in the Notre Dame football movie
 Rudy Giuliani – former mayor of New York
 Rudy Huxtable – the youngest child of Cliff and Claire Huxtable on the Cosby Show
 The Sherlock Holmes phrase: “Rudimentary, my dear Watson.”
 Rutabagas

5. Which of the following is the funniest thing I’ve ever seen / heard / read:
 Superbad
 30 Rock
 Lamb: The Gospel According To Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal
 Spamalot
 Schindler’s List

6. In the fantasy world I live on, I like to think my sense of humor is a lot like:
 Johnny Carson
 George Carlin
 David Letterman
 John Stewart
 Dick Cheney

7. Which of the following have I NOT done:
 Been a disc jockey
 Gotten lost with my kids in the Old City of Jerusalem at night.
 Pretended to be U.S. Bank CEO Richard Davis on a conference call
 Lived in the Oregon governor’s mansion
 Proudly taken my son’s picture standing next to Britney Spears garbage cans

8. Which of the following songs do I NOT want played at my funeral?
 Money for Nothing by Dire Straits
 Spirit in the Sky by Norman Greenbaum
 If I Had Possession Over Judgment Day by Eric Clapton
 Why Should The Devil Have All The Good Music by Larry Norman
 Don’t Stop Believing by Journey

9. Which of the following phrases are you least likely to hear me say?
 Holy crap!
 You get what you pay for!
 If you’re like me – and I know you’re glad you’re not . . .
 Thanks for coming. Good night and drive safely!
 Only you can prevent forest fires.

10. Which of the following have I NEVER said in church:
 Benny Hinn is a pompous windbag
 May the Force be with you. (And also with you.)
 I’m so glad you could all be here on the Sunday we perform our animal sacrifice!
 Eschatology is the study of edible French snails
 It’s not every church you go to that has a guy playing Led Zeppelin’s Stairway to Heaven on the guitar on Sunday morning!

The Washington Post has a great story today about the high cost of being poor. For most of us, this is pretty eye opening. For example:

"The poor pay more for a gallon of milk; they pay more on a capital basis for inferior housing," said Rep. Earl Blumenauer, D-Ore. "The poor and 100 million who are struggling for the middle class actually end up paying more for transportation, for housing, for health care, for mortgages. They get steered to subprime lending. ... The poor pay more for things middle-class America takes for granted."

Like food: You don't have a car to get to a supermarket, much less to Costco, where the middle class goes to save money. You don't have three hours to take the bus. So you shop at the corner store, where prices can be double what you'll find at Safeway.

But if you really wanna get fired up about the gap between rich and poor, you should read the book Free Lunch: How the Wealthiest Americans Enrich Themselves at Government Expense (and StickYou with the Bill) by David Cay Johnston. Let me warn you though, if you read the whole thing you'll just be pissed.

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On the planet where I come from, it is sometimes fun to think about weird stuff like:

If I could be any cartoon character, living or dead, who would it be?
or,
If Barbara Walters interviewed me, what kind of tree would I want to be?
Or,
A man walks into a bank to cash his check. By mistake the teller gives him his dollar amount in change, and his change amount in dollars. On the way home he spends a nickel, and now notices he has 2 times the amount of his check. How much was the check?
OR,
If I was cast in The Real World – Cancun next season, how long would it take before I was thrown off for exceeding both the maximum age and maximum weight limits (within five minutes)?

But those will have to wait for another time because I have four other fantasy questions to think about today!

Real People I Would Love To Trade Places With For At Least One Day
 Barack Obama - POTUS
 David Letterman - Host, The Late Show
 Peter – Fisherman, Apostle, Troublemaker
 Brian Williams - Anchor, NBC News
 Dhani Jones - Linebacker, Cincinnati Bengals and host of Dhani Tackles The Globe
 Anthony Bourdain - Chef, Author and host of No Reservations
 Jacoby Ellsbury - Outfielder, Boston Red Sox (Especially on the day he stole home)
 Eric Clapton / Ben Harper / John Butler / John Mayer (Or most any other great guitarist)
 Erin Andrews - Reporter, ESPN (Okay, maybe not Erin exactly but her producer or body guard – anyone who gets to regularly hang out with my former, future ex-wife.)

Fictional Characters I Would Love To Trade Places With For At Least One Day
 Bond, James Bond - Spy, British Secret Service
 Han Solo - Mercenary, Smuggler, Pirate and Owner, Millennium Falcon
 Gus McCrae - Cowboy, Entrepreneur, Philosopher, Former Texas Ranger in Lonesome Dove
 John Rebus – Detective Inspector, Edinburgh Scotland Police in Ian Rankin Novels
 Atticus Finch - Attorney, Father in To Kill A Mockingbird
 Biff – Friend of Jesus in Lamb: The Gospel According To Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal
 Frodo Baggins - Ringbearer, world traveler
 Bruce Wayne – Billionaire Industrialist, Batman
 John Locke - Leader, LOST

Real People I Would NOT Trade Places With For Even One Day
 Bernie Maddow - Scam artist, total lowlife, prison boyfriend
 Michael Phelps - Eight Time Olympic Gold Medalist, scrutinized by everyone for everything he has ever done
 Dick Cheney – Self-proclaimed enhanced interrogation expert, unconvicted felon
 Rush Limbaugh - Pompous windbag
 George Steinbrenner - Tax cheat, corporate socialist and owner, New York Yankees)
 Al Davis - Owner / Meddler, Oakland Raiders

Fictional Characters I Would NOT Trade Places With For Even One Day Jar Jar Binks - Gungan, Galactic Senator, wacky linguist
 Gollum - Ring thief, ring loser, hard swallower
 Dexter – Forensic Blood Spatter Specialist with Miami Police Department, serial killer
 Spencer Pratt - Fictional boyfriend / husband of Heidi Montag, The Hills
 Benjamin Linus - Former leader, LOST
 Moby Dick – whale, Moby Dick

As an employee of the best bank in America, I laughed at last night's cold open on SNL. The whole show was dang funny - as it always seems to be when Justin Timberlake is on - but for us bankers this sketch was either hilarious or painful. And for those who found it painful, well, it's probably with good reason.

Naomi Klein is one of the smartest people around. Except that she always scares the crud out of me. Listen to what she has to say about the bank bailout and stress tests.

The folks at Playing for Change have a pretty clever idea with some lofty goals. Count me in as a HUGE Grandpa Elliott fan!