Senator Chris Dodd (D - Lame Duck) introduced a bill today "that would result in the most sweeping overhaul of financial regulations since the Depression." While the NY Times says, "Democrats Appeal Across the Aisle on Financial Overhaul" I am just too cynical to believe that whatever is in the current proposal will look anything like the final product. In fact, if I were advising the senior executives of the fine bank I work for (think about that for just a second and see if it doesn't make you shudder uncontrollably) I'd suggest we save a buttload of money on lobbyists and just let nature take its course on this one cuz if we've learned anything from the whole health care debate, there isn't much chance anything of substance will come out of this effort. (This unsolicited political rant is brought to you by our good friends at Chantix. Chantix: When you need to quit smoking but still want the thrill of something that might kill you!")
And if you want a quick summary of what's in the bill, here ya go: "Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah."
Monday, March 15, 2010
Programming Note!
The NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament Teams have been announced and my unofficial, in-office, leave of absence begins today and continues for the next three weeks as I spend more time thinking about my bracket than Erin Andrews banking. A
nd, even though you don't care even one tiny bit - my Final Four: Kansas, West Virginia, Kansas State, Villanova. (Unless I change my mind between now and Thursday.)
nd, even though you don't care even one tiny bit - my Final Four: Kansas, West Virginia, Kansas State, Villanova. (Unless I change my mind between now and Thursday.)
Just Try Not To Cry! I Dare Ya!
So, uh, Slacker Boy is feeling lazy this week, so rather than rambling on about some less than exciting happening in my pitiful life I thought I would share a story with you. It's a story that some of you have probably heard before but it is just about my all time favorite.
It's a story I first heard told by Tony Campolo (and if you know who Tony Campolo is, I'm impressed)! BUT it was originally written by a woman named Elizabeth Silance Ballard. It is a story that will make you see others a little differently. But I gotta warn you, if you've never heard it before . . .
This story will make you cry!
You've been warned!
I think it's a GREAT story to share with others - especially if you like to make others cry too!
Three Letters from Teddy
Elizabeth Silance Ballard
Teddy Stallard was a student in my fifth grade class fifteen years ago. It was early in my career, and I had only been teaching for two years. From the first day he stepped into my classroom, I disliked Teddy. Teachers (although everyone knows differently) are not supposed to have favorites in a class, but most especially are not supposed to show dislike for a child, any child.
Nevertheless, every year there are one or two children that you cannot help but become attached to and sometimes, not too often, fortunately, there are one or two students to whom the teacher just can’t seem to relate.
There wasn’t a child I particularly liked that year, but Teddy, was most definitely the one I disliked. He was dirty. His hair hung down in his eyes, and he actually had to hold it out of the way as he wrote papers in class. Plus, he had a peculiar odor about him which I could never identify.
His faults were many, and his intellect left a lot to be desired. By the end of the first week I knew he was hopelessly behind the others. Not only was he behind; he was just plain slow! I began to withdraw from him immediately.
In fact, I concentrated on my best students and let the others follow along as best they could. Ashamed as I am to admit it, I took perverse pleasure in using my red pen; and each time I came to Teddy’s paper, the cross marks (and there were many) were always a little larger and a little redder than necessary. I always seemed to mark an “F” on his papers with extra flourish.
While I did not actually ridicule him, my attitude was obviously quite apparent to the class, and he quickly became the class "goat" - the outcast. He knew I didn’t like him, but he didn’t know why. Nor did I know then or now, why I felt such an intense dislike for him. All I know is that he was a little boy no one cared about and I made no effort on his behalf.
The days rolled by. We made it through the fall and the Thanksgiving holidays. As the Christmas holiday approached, I knew that Teddy would never catch up in time to be promoted to the sixth grade level. To justify myself, I went to his file and, for the first time, read some of the remarks from his previous teachers:
First grade: Teddy shows promise by work and attitude, but has a poor home situation.
Second grade: Teddy could do better. Mother has been sick a lot. He receives little help at home.
Third grade: Teddy is a pleasant boy. Helpful, but too serious. Slow learner. His mother passed away end of the year.
Fourth grade: Very slow, but well behaved. Father shows no interest.
And then the last day before the holiday arrived. Teachers always get several gifts at Christmas, but mine that year seemed bigger and more elaborate than ever. It seemed like there was not a student who had not brought one.
Teddy’s gift was in the middle of the pile. Its wrapping was a brown paper bag, and he had obviously colored and decorated himself. It was stuck together with masking tape. "For Miss Thompson, from Teddy", it read.
The group was completely silent and for the first time I felt embarrassed because they all stood watching me unwrap the gift. As I removed the last bit of masking tape, two items fell to my desk: a gaudy rhinestone bracelet with several stones missing and a small bottle of dime-store cologne, half empty.
I could hear the snickers and whispers, and I wasn’t sure I could look at Teddy.
"Isn’t this lovely?" I asked, placing the bracelet on my wrist. "Teddy, would you help me fasten it?"
He smiled shyly he fixed the clasp, and I held up my wrist for all of them to admire. There were a few ooh’s and ahh’s, but as I dabbed the cologne behind my ears, all the little girls lined up for a dab behind their ears.
When the day ended the children filed out with shouts of "See you next year!" and "Merry Christmas!" but Teddy waited at his desk. When they had all left, he walked up to me, clutching his gift and books to his chest.
"You smell just like my mom" he said softly. "Her bracelet looks really pretty on you too. I’m glad you like it."
He left quickly. I locked the door, sat down at my desk, and cried. That day I resolved to make up to Teddy what I had deliberately deprived him of - a teacher who cared.
I stayed every afternoon with Teddy from that point on until the last day of school. Sometimes he worked alone while I drew up lesson plans or graded papers. Slowly but surely he caught up with the rest of the class. In fact, his final averages were among the best in the class, and although I knew he would be moving out of the state when school was out, I was not worried for him.
I did not hear from Teddy until seven years later, when his first letter appeared in my mailbox:
Dear Ms. Thompson,
I just wanted you to be the first to know, I will be graduating from high school next month - second in my class!
Very Truly Yours,
Teddy Stallard
I wondered what he would do after graduation. Four years later, Teddy’s second letter came:
Dear Ms. Thompson,
I wanted you to be the first to know. I just found out that I'll be graduating first in my class. College has not been easy, but I liked it.
Very Truly Yours,
Teddy Stallard
I was so proud of him, I could burst!
And now - today - Teddy's last letter:
Dear Ms. Thompson,
I wanted you to be the first to know. As of today, I am Theodore J. Stallard, MD. How about that!!?? I'm going to be married in July, the twenty-seventh to be exact. I wanted to ask you if you would come and sit where my mom would have sat if she were here. I will have no family there as Dad died last year.
Very Truly Yours,
Teddy Stallard
It's a story I first heard told by Tony Campolo (and if you know who Tony Campolo is, I'm impressed)! BUT it was originally written by a woman named Elizabeth Silance Ballard. It is a story that will make you see others a little differently. But I gotta warn you, if you've never heard it before . . .
This story will make you cry!
You've been warned!
I think it's a GREAT story to share with others - especially if you like to make others cry too!
Three Letters from Teddy
Elizabeth Silance Ballard
Teddy Stallard was a student in my fifth grade class fifteen years ago. It was early in my career, and I had only been teaching for two years. From the first day he stepped into my classroom, I disliked Teddy. Teachers (although everyone knows differently) are not supposed to have favorites in a class, but most especially are not supposed to show dislike for a child, any child.
Nevertheless, every year there are one or two children that you cannot help but become attached to and sometimes, not too often, fortunately, there are one or two students to whom the teacher just can’t seem to relate.
There wasn’t a child I particularly liked that year, but Teddy, was most definitely the one I disliked. He was dirty. His hair hung down in his eyes, and he actually had to hold it out of the way as he wrote papers in class. Plus, he had a peculiar odor about him which I could never identify.
His faults were many, and his intellect left a lot to be desired. By the end of the first week I knew he was hopelessly behind the others. Not only was he behind; he was just plain slow! I began to withdraw from him immediately.
In fact, I concentrated on my best students and let the others follow along as best they could. Ashamed as I am to admit it, I took perverse pleasure in using my red pen; and each time I came to Teddy’s paper, the cross marks (and there were many) were always a little larger and a little redder than necessary. I always seemed to mark an “F” on his papers with extra flourish.
While I did not actually ridicule him, my attitude was obviously quite apparent to the class, and he quickly became the class "goat" - the outcast. He knew I didn’t like him, but he didn’t know why. Nor did I know then or now, why I felt such an intense dislike for him. All I know is that he was a little boy no one cared about and I made no effort on his behalf.
The days rolled by. We made it through the fall and the Thanksgiving holidays. As the Christmas holiday approached, I knew that Teddy would never catch up in time to be promoted to the sixth grade level. To justify myself, I went to his file and, for the first time, read some of the remarks from his previous teachers:
First grade: Teddy shows promise by work and attitude, but has a poor home situation.
Second grade: Teddy could do better. Mother has been sick a lot. He receives little help at home.
Third grade: Teddy is a pleasant boy. Helpful, but too serious. Slow learner. His mother passed away end of the year.
Fourth grade: Very slow, but well behaved. Father shows no interest.
And then the last day before the holiday arrived. Teachers always get several gifts at Christmas, but mine that year seemed bigger and more elaborate than ever. It seemed like there was not a student who had not brought one.
Teddy’s gift was in the middle of the pile. Its wrapping was a brown paper bag, and he had obviously colored and decorated himself. It was stuck together with masking tape. "For Miss Thompson, from Teddy", it read.
The group was completely silent and for the first time I felt embarrassed because they all stood watching me unwrap the gift. As I removed the last bit of masking tape, two items fell to my desk: a gaudy rhinestone bracelet with several stones missing and a small bottle of dime-store cologne, half empty.
I could hear the snickers and whispers, and I wasn’t sure I could look at Teddy.
"Isn’t this lovely?" I asked, placing the bracelet on my wrist. "Teddy, would you help me fasten it?"
He smiled shyly he fixed the clasp, and I held up my wrist for all of them to admire. There were a few ooh’s and ahh’s, but as I dabbed the cologne behind my ears, all the little girls lined up for a dab behind their ears.
When the day ended the children filed out with shouts of "See you next year!" and "Merry Christmas!" but Teddy waited at his desk. When they had all left, he walked up to me, clutching his gift and books to his chest.
"You smell just like my mom" he said softly. "Her bracelet looks really pretty on you too. I’m glad you like it."
He left quickly. I locked the door, sat down at my desk, and cried. That day I resolved to make up to Teddy what I had deliberately deprived him of - a teacher who cared.
I stayed every afternoon with Teddy from that point on until the last day of school. Sometimes he worked alone while I drew up lesson plans or graded papers. Slowly but surely he caught up with the rest of the class. In fact, his final averages were among the best in the class, and although I knew he would be moving out of the state when school was out, I was not worried for him.
I did not hear from Teddy until seven years later, when his first letter appeared in my mailbox:
Dear Ms. Thompson,
I just wanted you to be the first to know, I will be graduating from high school next month - second in my class!
Very Truly Yours,
Teddy Stallard
I wondered what he would do after graduation. Four years later, Teddy’s second letter came:
Dear Ms. Thompson,
I wanted you to be the first to know. I just found out that I'll be graduating first in my class. College has not been easy, but I liked it.
Very Truly Yours,
Teddy Stallard
I was so proud of him, I could burst!
And now - today - Teddy's last letter:
Dear Ms. Thompson,
I wanted you to be the first to know. As of today, I am Theodore J. Stallard, MD. How about that!!?? I'm going to be married in July, the twenty-seventh to be exact. I wanted to ask you if you would come and sit where my mom would have sat if she were here. I will have no family there as Dad died last year.
Very Truly Yours,
Teddy Stallard
Monday, March 8, 2010
And The Winner Is . . .
I love movies and I follow them pretty closely. What I don't do, apparently, is ever go see a movie. I only saw a handful of movies at the theater last year and, of the ten movies nominated for best picture this year, I only saw two (2) of them: Avatar and District 9. (And what does the fact that they're both sci-fi films say about me - Sheesh!)
Nevertheless, out of the 24 awards given out at last night's Oscar ceremony, I picked 16 of the winners correctly and five of the six top categories correctly as well. The only one I missed was Best Actress. I know pretty much everyone had future ex-wife Sandra Bullock in their office pools, but I thought the voters might go for Gabourey Sidibe. I know! I know! What was I smoking? Nothing. Well, maybe a cigar Sunday afternoon before the show, but that's it. And then, once I heard Sandra Bullock's acceptance speech, I felt ashamed I hadn't picked her. What she said about her Mom and the quick reference to her way too cool husband was pretty dang sweet.
A few other observations:
* And speaking of smoking something, was Jeff Bridges loopy or what?
* And was it just me or did George Clooney look like he wanted to punch the camera every time it turned on him? I can understand why he might have felt that way because every time they showed him, what I really wanted was for the camera to pan to his right to see the, uh, semi-attractive woman he brought as his plus one for the event. If I knew who she was, she'd be on my future ex-wives list for sure.
* Speaking of which, I'm adding 59 year old Kathryn Bigelow to that list too.
* And if you caught Mo'Nique's acceptance speech, be sure to catch Kenan Thompson's version from Weekend Update on SNL last Saturday. You should be able to find it on Hulu.com.
I am probably most proud of picking four of the five feature / short films correctly:
* Animated Feature (Up)
* Animated Short (Logorama)
* Documentary Feature (The Cove)
* Documentary Short (Music By Prudence)
* And - the only one I missed - Live Action Short (The New Tenants).
Didn't see even ONE of the nominees in any of these categories. Just based my choices on what little I had read about them.
So, now I just gotta catch all these movies when they come out on some basic cable channel. Or never, as the case may be.
Nevertheless, out of the 24 awards given out at last night's Oscar ceremony, I picked 16 of the winners correctly and five of the six top categories correctly as well. The only one I missed was Best Actress. I know pretty much everyone had future ex-wife Sandra Bullock in their office pools, but I thought the voters might go for Gabourey Sidibe. I know! I know! What was I smoking? Nothing. Well, maybe a cigar Sunday afternoon before the show, but that's it. And then, once I heard Sandra Bullock's acceptance speech, I felt ashamed I hadn't picked her. What she said about her Mom and the quick reference to her way too cool husband was pretty dang sweet.
A few other observations:
* And speaking of smoking something, was Jeff Bridges loopy or what?
* And was it just me or did George Clooney look like he wanted to punch the camera every time it turned on him? I can understand why he might have felt that way because every time they showed him, what I really wanted was for the camera to pan to his right to see the, uh, semi-attractive woman he brought as his plus one for the event. If I knew who she was, she'd be on my future ex-wives list for sure.
* Speaking of which, I'm adding 59 year old Kathryn Bigelow to that list too.
* And if you caught Mo'Nique's acceptance speech, be sure to catch Kenan Thompson's version from Weekend Update on SNL last Saturday. You should be able to find it on Hulu.com.
I am probably most proud of picking four of the five feature / short films correctly:
* Animated Feature (Up)
* Animated Short (Logorama)
* Documentary Feature (The Cove)
* Documentary Short (Music By Prudence)
* And - the only one I missed - Live Action Short (The New Tenants).
Didn't see even ONE of the nominees in any of these categories. Just based my choices on what little I had read about them.
So, now I just gotta catch all these movies when they come out on some basic cable channel. Or never, as the case may be.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Worstest Ever
Because I’m a lazy slacker I decided there was no reason to come up with a new idea to write about on my blog. So, I thought I’d just take last week’s post and flip it! Here, then, are some nominees for “Peter Milliron’s ‘WORST EVER’ Awards*”
WORST Song EVER
This award goes to the artist for a song that is so awful it probably should not even be considered music – especially since once I hear it I can’t get the dang thing out of my head!
* Funkytown – Lipps Inc (Easily the worst song ever!)
* Knights in White Satin – Moody Blues (A close second!)
* Stairway to Heaven – Led Zeppelin (And I LOVE Led Zeppelin!)
* Fernando – ABBA (Or pretty much anything by ABBA, really.)
* Shiny, Happy People - R.E.M.
* Muskrat Love – America or Captain & Tenille (Is this song really about what I think it’s about?)
* Ooops, I Did It Again - Britney Spears
* Feelings – Morris Albert (Uh, duh!)
* You Light Up My Life – Debby Boone (Uh, double duh!)
WORST Movie EVER
This award goes to a movie that I think is just unwatchable. I may not have even seen the entire movie but I did see enough of it to know how gut-wrenchingly bad it is.
* Waterworld (Kevin Costner. Stupid, stupid, stupid movie. Especially at the end when they find a couple of dead people on the top of Mt. Everest and say something about “It was their way.”)
* Thieves (A movie I saw back in the late 70s with Marlo Thomas and Charles Grodin.)
* Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. (Saw this the Christmas it came out. Even at 10 I knew it was bad.)
* Let’s Throw Momma From the Train (Let’s throw Danny Devito from the train.)
* Out of Africa. (A gorgeously filmed movie about two selfish characters that I couldn’t have cared less about.)
WORST TV Show EVER
This award goes to a TV Series that stands heads above others in terms of being poorly written, stupid and seemingly just thrown together.
* Real World vs. Road Rules (Self centered brats from two shows about being totally selfish, proving that they’re not even worthy of being called self centered brats.)
* Barney & Friends (I know I shouldn’t bash a kids show but come on, this one had NO REDEEMING VALUE!)
* The Ropers (As if Three’s Company wasn’t bad enough)
* Any show with Chris Matthews as the host.
* 24 (Every episode pretty much totally unbelievable.)
WORST Book EVER
This award goes to the author of a book that I actually read (so potential nominees like the Twilight series or anything by Nicholas Sparks or Mitch Albom are not eligible) but is so stupid, pretentious or poorly written that I know I could have done better.
* You Suck, Christopher Moore (one of my favorite authors, by the way)
* Catcher In The Rye, J.D. Salinger (Who cares what happens to Holden Caulfield anyway?)
* The ‘Left Behind’ series, Tim LaHaye and Jerry Jenkins (Jerry Jenkins is a good writer and this doesn’t really have anything to do with whether I believe or don’t believe in how the world might come to an end. They’re just dumb and demeaning books)
* A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius, Dave Eggers (The title is so totally wrong.)
* Cold Mountain, Charles Frazier (Oh please. Who cares about your painful journey back from the Civil War?)
WORST Food EVER
This award goes to the food that is so disgusting that I cannot imagine ever enjoying it, no matter how well-prepared / disguised it might be. I can imagine throwing it up, however.
* Brussels’ Sprouts (I know this one comes as no surprise)
* Tofu (If you like the feel of snot in your mouth, you might just enjoy it, but not me!)
* Spam (From the contraction “Spiced Ham.” More like “Whaddya get when you mix all the leftover parts of a pig – including snouts, feet, tails, etc. – with about 20 pounds of salt?”)
* Miracle Whip (Like vodka, it ruins everything it touches.)
* Cucumbers
* Hard boiled eggs (They taste awful; make me gag and the yolk somehow magically absorbs every bit of liquid within a 100 mile radius.)
* Deviled eggs (See above entry and multiply the awfulness by 10)
* Potato salad (Often involves the use of Miracle Whip but more importantly, only a limited amount of things should be mixed with potatoes. Butter and salt, of course. Bacon bits. Maybe sour cream. Maybe cheese. Milk if mashed. All other other substances should be banned.)
* Green Bell Peppers. (All other peppers are fine.)
* Raw onions / green onions (Cooked onions: Yum! Raw onions: Not what God intended.)
* Watermelon, cantaloupe and pretty much every other melon.)
WORST Drink EVER
This award goes to a beverage that just seems to wanna make me gag every time I drink it – which I don’t usually do since once was enough.
* Light beer (Motto: Just drink water!)
* Any diet sodas (Someday the FDA is gonna tell us that all them artificial sweeteners are gonna kill us!)
* Any drink with vodka in it. (Vodka’s motto: We ruin everything!)
* Tomato Juice / Bloody Mary. (see vodka, above)
* Earl Grey Tea.
* Coffee with sugar in it. (And let me just tell you that if you ever go to breakfast with Shawn Crawford, prepare to be grossed out by how many packets of sugar he puts in his coffee!)
* Those weird Asian teas with the bubbles and round chunks of stuff in them.
* Tonic water (Mixed with gin and lime it becomes a healing elixir, however!)
WORST Politician EVER
This award goes to the politician (or political commentator) that knowingly tells lies, hides their misdeeds, rips off taxpayers or is just an all around jerk. I realize that could be most of them but these are my faves.
* John Edwards (Jerk. Liar. And a few other words not fit for a family newspaper.)
* New Gingrich (Mega hypocrite for leading the charge to impeach Bill Clinton while all the while cheating on his wife of 17 years with a 23 year old.)
* Neil Goldschmidt (I am just way to uncomfortable talking about this one.)
* Richard Nixon (One word: Watergate. Worst. Ever.)
* Ann Coulter (Oh sure, I’d go out with her if she asked but does she ever actually think about what she’s gonna say before she says it?)
WORST Religious Leader EVER
I realize this is an especially sensitive area but it really galls me when people do awful things in the name of God. Especially when they abuse others and / or con people into giving them money.
* Benny Hinn
* Paul & Jan Crouch
* Warren Jeffs
* Tony Alamo
* Mullah Muhammad Omar and the other leaders of the Taliban (I think Muslims are great. Just not these guys.)
WORST Athlete EVER
This award goes to the athlete I believe either could not live up to their expectations and/or is such a jerk that I just can’t stand ‘em!
* Roger Clemens, MLB Pitcher, lying drug user, tool.
* Pete Rose – MLB player, gambler, living in denial.
* Sam Bowie, NBA player. Drafted by Portland instead of Michael Jordan and then faded into non-existence
* O.J. Simpson, NFL player, sports memorabilia dealer, murderer and, oh yeah, habitual liar
* Tonya Harding, Ice skater, thug, crack smoker and, oh yeah, an athlete participating in a non-sport!
WORST Sport EVER
This award goes to a sports (or maybe a non-sports) event that is soooo painfully dull or so bizarrely outrageous that I just don’t think it should be allowed to live.
* Synchronized swimming. (The worst of all the non-sports!)
* Cross country skiing (It is soooo boring watching the athletes push themselves along the course. Skis were made to go downhill.)
* Arm wrestling.
* Race walking. (It looks stupid because it is stupid.)
* Noodling. (Okay, I’m fascinated by this. It’s fishing for ginormous catfish by diving underwater, looking for them in hollow logs, caves and other out of the way places and attempting to catch them by jamming your arm down their throat! What sane person would do this?)
* Sumo wrestling. (I know this is supposed to be an ancient high art form but we all know it’s just a couple of fat guys playing tummy tussle in diapers.)
* Bullfighting. (I’ve been to a bull fight and it’s morbidly fascinating but – news flash – the bull dies a slow painful death. Not as fun as you might think.)
*Nominees are subject to change without notice because I just did this off the top of my head and will probably think of eight or ten more nominees in each category over the next few years.
WORST Song EVER
This award goes to the artist for a song that is so awful it probably should not even be considered music – especially since once I hear it I can’t get the dang thing out of my head!
* Funkytown – Lipps Inc (Easily the worst song ever!)
* Knights in White Satin – Moody Blues (A close second!)
* Stairway to Heaven – Led Zeppelin (And I LOVE Led Zeppelin!)
* Fernando – ABBA (Or pretty much anything by ABBA, really.)
* Shiny, Happy People - R.E.M.
* Muskrat Love – America or Captain & Tenille (Is this song really about what I think it’s about?)
* Ooops, I Did It Again - Britney Spears
* Feelings – Morris Albert (Uh, duh!)
* You Light Up My Life – Debby Boone (Uh, double duh!)
WORST Movie EVER
This award goes to a movie that I think is just unwatchable. I may not have even seen the entire movie but I did see enough of it to know how gut-wrenchingly bad it is.
* Waterworld (Kevin Costner. Stupid, stupid, stupid movie. Especially at the end when they find a couple of dead people on the top of Mt. Everest and say something about “It was their way.”)
* Thieves (A movie I saw back in the late 70s with Marlo Thomas and Charles Grodin.)
* Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. (Saw this the Christmas it came out. Even at 10 I knew it was bad.)
* Let’s Throw Momma From the Train (Let’s throw Danny Devito from the train.)
* Out of Africa. (A gorgeously filmed movie about two selfish characters that I couldn’t have cared less about.)
WORST TV Show EVER
This award goes to a TV Series that stands heads above others in terms of being poorly written, stupid and seemingly just thrown together.
* Real World vs. Road Rules (Self centered brats from two shows about being totally selfish, proving that they’re not even worthy of being called self centered brats.)
* Barney & Friends (I know I shouldn’t bash a kids show but come on, this one had NO REDEEMING VALUE!)
* The Ropers (As if Three’s Company wasn’t bad enough)
* Any show with Chris Matthews as the host.
* 24 (Every episode pretty much totally unbelievable.)
WORST Book EVER
This award goes to the author of a book that I actually read (so potential nominees like the Twilight series or anything by Nicholas Sparks or Mitch Albom are not eligible) but is so stupid, pretentious or poorly written that I know I could have done better.
* You Suck, Christopher Moore (one of my favorite authors, by the way)
* Catcher In The Rye, J.D. Salinger (Who cares what happens to Holden Caulfield anyway?)
* The ‘Left Behind’ series, Tim LaHaye and Jerry Jenkins (Jerry Jenkins is a good writer and this doesn’t really have anything to do with whether I believe or don’t believe in how the world might come to an end. They’re just dumb and demeaning books)
* A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius, Dave Eggers (The title is so totally wrong.)
* Cold Mountain, Charles Frazier (Oh please. Who cares about your painful journey back from the Civil War?)
WORST Food EVER
This award goes to the food that is so disgusting that I cannot imagine ever enjoying it, no matter how well-prepared / disguised it might be. I can imagine throwing it up, however.
* Brussels’ Sprouts (I know this one comes as no surprise)
* Tofu (If you like the feel of snot in your mouth, you might just enjoy it, but not me!)
* Spam (From the contraction “Spiced Ham.” More like “Whaddya get when you mix all the leftover parts of a pig – including snouts, feet, tails, etc. – with about 20 pounds of salt?”)
* Miracle Whip (Like vodka, it ruins everything it touches.)
* Cucumbers
* Hard boiled eggs (They taste awful; make me gag and the yolk somehow magically absorbs every bit of liquid within a 100 mile radius.)
* Deviled eggs (See above entry and multiply the awfulness by 10)
* Potato salad (Often involves the use of Miracle Whip but more importantly, only a limited amount of things should be mixed with potatoes. Butter and salt, of course. Bacon bits. Maybe sour cream. Maybe cheese. Milk if mashed. All other other substances should be banned.)
* Green Bell Peppers. (All other peppers are fine.)
* Raw onions / green onions (Cooked onions: Yum! Raw onions: Not what God intended.)
* Watermelon, cantaloupe and pretty much every other melon.)
WORST Drink EVER
This award goes to a beverage that just seems to wanna make me gag every time I drink it – which I don’t usually do since once was enough.
* Light beer (Motto: Just drink water!)
* Any diet sodas (Someday the FDA is gonna tell us that all them artificial sweeteners are gonna kill us!)
* Any drink with vodka in it. (Vodka’s motto: We ruin everything!)
* Tomato Juice / Bloody Mary. (see vodka, above)
* Earl Grey Tea.
* Coffee with sugar in it. (And let me just tell you that if you ever go to breakfast with Shawn Crawford, prepare to be grossed out by how many packets of sugar he puts in his coffee!)
* Those weird Asian teas with the bubbles and round chunks of stuff in them.
* Tonic water (Mixed with gin and lime it becomes a healing elixir, however!)
WORST Politician EVER
This award goes to the politician (or political commentator) that knowingly tells lies, hides their misdeeds, rips off taxpayers or is just an all around jerk. I realize that could be most of them but these are my faves.
* John Edwards (Jerk. Liar. And a few other words not fit for a family newspaper.)
* New Gingrich (Mega hypocrite for leading the charge to impeach Bill Clinton while all the while cheating on his wife of 17 years with a 23 year old.)
* Neil Goldschmidt (I am just way to uncomfortable talking about this one.)
* Richard Nixon (One word: Watergate. Worst. Ever.)
* Ann Coulter (Oh sure, I’d go out with her if she asked but does she ever actually think about what she’s gonna say before she says it?)
WORST Religious Leader EVER
I realize this is an especially sensitive area but it really galls me when people do awful things in the name of God. Especially when they abuse others and / or con people into giving them money.
* Benny Hinn
* Paul & Jan Crouch
* Warren Jeffs
* Tony Alamo
* Mullah Muhammad Omar and the other leaders of the Taliban (I think Muslims are great. Just not these guys.)
WORST Athlete EVER
This award goes to the athlete I believe either could not live up to their expectations and/or is such a jerk that I just can’t stand ‘em!
* Roger Clemens, MLB Pitcher, lying drug user, tool.
* Pete Rose – MLB player, gambler, living in denial.
* Sam Bowie, NBA player. Drafted by Portland instead of Michael Jordan and then faded into non-existence
* O.J. Simpson, NFL player, sports memorabilia dealer, murderer and, oh yeah, habitual liar
* Tonya Harding, Ice skater, thug, crack smoker and, oh yeah, an athlete participating in a non-sport!
WORST Sport EVER
This award goes to a sports (or maybe a non-sports) event that is soooo painfully dull or so bizarrely outrageous that I just don’t think it should be allowed to live.
* Synchronized swimming. (The worst of all the non-sports!)
* Cross country skiing (It is soooo boring watching the athletes push themselves along the course. Skis were made to go downhill.)
* Arm wrestling.
* Race walking. (It looks stupid because it is stupid.)
* Noodling. (Okay, I’m fascinated by this. It’s fishing for ginormous catfish by diving underwater, looking for them in hollow logs, caves and other out of the way places and attempting to catch them by jamming your arm down their throat! What sane person would do this?)
* Sumo wrestling. (I know this is supposed to be an ancient high art form but we all know it’s just a couple of fat guys playing tummy tussle in diapers.)
* Bullfighting. (I’ve been to a bull fight and it’s morbidly fascinating but – news flash – the bull dies a slow painful death. Not as fun as you might think.)
*Nominees are subject to change without notice because I just did this off the top of my head and will probably think of eight or ten more nominees in each category over the next few years.
Monday, March 1, 2010
O Canada!
The Olympics are over but could it have ended with anything more exciting than that USA / Canada gold medal hockey game? Wow! It was hard fought by both teams all the way. The U.S. ties it up with 25 seconds to go in the third period and throws it into overtime. And then some Taylor Lautner look-a-like scores the game winning goal. And.The.Crowd.Goes.Wild!
True Confession: I was glued to the Canada / Norway gold medal curling event on Saturday. Not proud of it but it is what it is. And I'm not gonna pretend I really understand how curling works but it appears to be kinda like shuffleboard or horseshoes, which, uh, now that I think about it, I don't really understand how scoring works in those games either. However, what was clear to me is that the Canadians kicked the weirdest pants I have ever seen off of the Norwegians.
Which reminds me, - a cool moment in the curling gold medal game came near the end when the crowd started singing O Canada. It came out of nowhere and brought everything to a complete halt for a couple of minutes. How inspiring must that have been for the Canadian team? And at the medal ceremony for the hockey game, the entire crowd sang along as O Canada was played. It made me proud to be a Canadian! Oh wait, that's not right. I'm proud to be an American but when was the last time you heard about anyone in this country spontaneously breaking into singing the national anthem? We might have some things to learn about national pride from the folks up in the Great White North.
We now return you to your regular programming - which to me means that I now get a part of my life (or lack thereof) back, by not watching four hours of Olympic coverage every night!
True Confession: I was glued to the Canada / Norway gold medal curling event on Saturday. Not proud of it but it is what it is. And I'm not gonna pretend I really understand how curling works but it appears to be kinda like shuffleboard or horseshoes, which, uh, now that I think about it, I don't really understand how scoring works in those games either. However, what was clear to me is that the Canadians kicked the weirdest pants I have ever seen off of the Norwegians.
Which reminds me, - a cool moment in the curling gold medal game came near the end when the crowd started singing O Canada. It came out of nowhere and brought everything to a complete halt for a couple of minutes. How inspiring must that have been for the Canadian team? And at the medal ceremony for the hockey game, the entire crowd sang along as O Canada was played. It made me proud to be a Canadian! Oh wait, that's not right. I'm proud to be an American but when was the last time you heard about anyone in this country spontaneously breaking into singing the national anthem? We might have some things to learn about national pride from the folks up in the Great White North.
We now return you to your regular programming - which to me means that I now get a part of my life (or lack thereof) back, by not watching four hours of Olympic coverage every night!
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