Thursday, March 4, 2010

Worstest Ever

Because I’m a lazy slacker I decided there was no reason to come up with a new idea to write about on my blog. So, I thought I’d just take last week’s post and flip it! Here, then, are some nominees for “Peter Milliron’s ‘WORST EVER’ Awards*”

WORST Song EVER
This award goes to the artist for a song that is so awful it probably should not even be considered music – especially since once I hear it I can’t get the dang thing out of my head!
* Funkytown – Lipps Inc (Easily the worst song ever!)
* Knights in White Satin – Moody Blues (A close second!)
* Stairway to Heaven – Led Zeppelin (And I LOVE Led Zeppelin!)
* Fernando – ABBA (Or pretty much anything by ABBA, really.)
* Shiny, Happy People - R.E.M.
* Muskrat Love – America or Captain & Tenille (Is this song really about what I think it’s about?)
* Ooops, I Did It Again - Britney Spears
* Feelings – Morris Albert (Uh, duh!)
* You Light Up My Life – Debby Boone (Uh, double duh!)

WORST Movie EVER
This award goes to a movie that I think is just unwatchable. I may not have even seen the entire movie but I did see enough of it to know how gut-wrenchingly bad it is.
* Waterworld (Kevin Costner. Stupid, stupid, stupid movie. Especially at the end when they find a couple of dead people on the top of Mt. Everest and say something about “It was their way.”)
* Thieves (A movie I saw back in the late 70s with Marlo Thomas and Charles Grodin.)
* Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. (Saw this the Christmas it came out. Even at 10 I knew it was bad.)
* Let’s Throw Momma From the Train (Let’s throw Danny Devito from the train.)
* Out of Africa. (A gorgeously filmed movie about two selfish characters that I couldn’t have cared less about.)

WORST TV Show EVER
This award goes to a TV Series that stands heads above others in terms of being poorly written, stupid and seemingly just thrown together.
* Real World vs. Road Rules (Self centered brats from two shows about being totally selfish, proving that they’re not even worthy of being called self centered brats.)
* Barney & Friends (I know I shouldn’t bash a kids show but come on, this one had NO REDEEMING VALUE!)
* The Ropers (As if Three’s Company wasn’t bad enough)
* Any show with Chris Matthews as the host.
* 24 (Every episode pretty much totally unbelievable.)

WORST Book EVER
This award goes to the author of a book that I actually read (so potential nominees like the Twilight series or anything by Nicholas Sparks or Mitch Albom are not eligible) but is so stupid, pretentious or poorly written that I know I could have done better.
* You Suck, Christopher Moore (one of my favorite authors, by the way)
* Catcher In The Rye, J.D. Salinger (Who cares what happens to Holden Caulfield anyway?)
* The ‘Left Behind’ series, Tim LaHaye and Jerry Jenkins (Jerry Jenkins is a good writer and this doesn’t really have anything to do with whether I believe or don’t believe in how the world might come to an end. They’re just dumb and demeaning books)
* A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius, Dave Eggers (The title is so totally wrong.)
* Cold Mountain, Charles Frazier (Oh please. Who cares about your painful journey back from the Civil War?)

WORST Food EVER
This award goes to the food that is so disgusting that I cannot imagine ever enjoying it, no matter how well-prepared / disguised it might be. I can imagine throwing it up, however.
* Brussels’ Sprouts (I know this one comes as no surprise)
* Tofu (If you like the feel of snot in your mouth, you might just enjoy it, but not me!)
* Spam (From the contraction “Spiced Ham.” More like “Whaddya get when you mix all the leftover parts of a pig – including snouts, feet, tails, etc. – with about 20 pounds of salt?”)
* Miracle Whip (Like vodka, it ruins everything it touches.)
* Cucumbers
* Hard boiled eggs (They taste awful; make me gag and the yolk somehow magically absorbs every bit of liquid within a 100 mile radius.)
* Deviled eggs (See above entry and multiply the awfulness by 10)
* Potato salad (Often involves the use of Miracle Whip but more importantly, only a limited amount of things should be mixed with potatoes. Butter and salt, of course. Bacon bits. Maybe sour cream. Maybe cheese. Milk if mashed. All other other substances should be banned.)
* Green Bell Peppers. (All other peppers are fine.)
* Raw onions / green onions (Cooked onions: Yum! Raw onions: Not what God intended.)
* Watermelon, cantaloupe and pretty much every other melon.)

WORST Drink EVER
This award goes to a beverage that just seems to wanna make me gag every time I drink it – which I don’t usually do since once was enough.
* Light beer (Motto: Just drink water!)
* Any diet sodas (Someday the FDA is gonna tell us that all them artificial sweeteners are gonna kill us!)
* Any drink with vodka in it. (Vodka’s motto: We ruin everything!)
* Tomato Juice / Bloody Mary. (see vodka, above)
* Earl Grey Tea.
* Coffee with sugar in it. (And let me just tell you that if you ever go to breakfast with Shawn Crawford, prepare to be grossed out by how many packets of sugar he puts in his coffee!)
* Those weird Asian teas with the bubbles and round chunks of stuff in them.
* Tonic water (Mixed with gin and lime it becomes a healing elixir, however!)

WORST Politician EVER
This award goes to the politician (or political commentator) that knowingly tells lies, hides their misdeeds, rips off taxpayers or is just an all around jerk. I realize that could be most of them but these are my faves.
* John Edwards (Jerk. Liar. And a few other words not fit for a family newspaper.)
* New Gingrich (Mega hypocrite for leading the charge to impeach Bill Clinton while all the while cheating on his wife of 17 years with a 23 year old.)
* Neil Goldschmidt (I am just way to uncomfortable talking about this one.)
* Richard Nixon (One word: Watergate. Worst. Ever.)
* Ann Coulter (Oh sure, I’d go out with her if she asked but does she ever actually think about what she’s gonna say before she says it?)

WORST Religious Leader EVER
I realize this is an especially sensitive area but it really galls me when people do awful things in the name of God. Especially when they abuse others and / or con people into giving them money.
* Benny Hinn
* Paul & Jan Crouch
* Warren Jeffs
* Tony Alamo
* Mullah Muhammad Omar and the other leaders of the Taliban (I think Muslims are great. Just not these guys.)

WORST Athlete EVER
This award goes to the athlete I believe either could not live up to their expectations and/or is such a jerk that I just can’t stand ‘em!
* Roger Clemens, MLB Pitcher, lying drug user, tool.
* Pete Rose – MLB player, gambler, living in denial.
* Sam Bowie, NBA player. Drafted by Portland instead of Michael Jordan and then faded into non-existence
* O.J. Simpson, NFL player, sports memorabilia dealer, murderer and, oh yeah, habitual liar
* Tonya Harding, Ice skater, thug, crack smoker and, oh yeah, an athlete participating in a non-sport!

WORST Sport EVER
This award goes to a sports (or maybe a non-sports) event that is soooo painfully dull or so bizarrely outrageous that I just don’t think it should be allowed to live.
* Synchronized swimming. (The worst of all the non-sports!)
* Cross country skiing (It is soooo boring watching the athletes push themselves along the course. Skis were made to go downhill.)
* Arm wrestling.
* Race walking. (It looks stupid because it is stupid.)
* Noodling. (Okay, I’m fascinated by this. It’s fishing for ginormous catfish by diving underwater, looking for them in hollow logs, caves and other out of the way places and attempting to catch them by jamming your arm down their throat! What sane person would do this?)
* Sumo wrestling. (I know this is supposed to be an ancient high art form but we all know it’s just a couple of fat guys playing tummy tussle in diapers.)
* Bullfighting. (I’ve been to a bull fight and it’s morbidly fascinating but – news flash – the bull dies a slow painful death. Not as fun as you might think.)

*Nominees are subject to change without notice because I just did this off the top of my head and will probably think of eight or ten more nominees in each category over the next few years.
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