Stock Market Update: Monday, August 31, 2009

The Sunday New York Times ran an article titled "As Banks Repay Bailout Money, U.S. Sees a Profit" that attempts to determine how much the government has made from the repayment of TARP money and the related warrants. The news, so far, is pretty good:

§ The profits, collected from eight of the biggest banks that have fully repaid their obligations to the government, come to about $4 billion, or the equivalent of about 15 percent annually, according to calculations compiled for The New York Times.

§ So far, that experiment is more than paying off. The government has taken profits of about $1.4 billion on its investment in Goldman Sachs, $1.3 billion on Morgan Stanley and $414 million on American Express. The five other banks that repaid the government — Northern Trust, Bank of New York Mellon, State Street, U.S. Bancorp and BB&T — each brought in $100 million to $334 million in profit. The figure does not include the roughly $35 million the government has earned from 14 smaller banks that have paid back their loans.

§ But the real profit came as banks were permitted to buy back the so-called warrants, whose low fixed price provided a windfall for the government as the shares of the companies soared.

That's the good news but there is still the very real potential that we could take some big hits from some of our flakier peers . . .

§ But all the profits taxpayers have won could still be wiped out by two deeply troubled institutions. Both Citigroup and Bank of America are still holding mortgages and other loans that were once worth billions of dollars but whose revised values are uncertain. If they prove "toxic" because they cannot attract buyers, they could leave large holes in the banks' balance sheets.

§ The government still faces potentially huge long-term losses from its bailouts of the insurance giant American International Group, the mortgage finance companies Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, and the automakers General Motors and Chrysler. The Treasury Department could also take a hit from its guarantees on billions of dollars of toxic mortgages.

And, just as you would expect, this news had no impact on the stock market today . . .

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Cinema Peterdiso

So, last night I was hanging out with a few folks from work and we got to talking about movies. Everyone has an opinion of a movie (or two or twelve) that they think is great for one reason or another and in this day and age of Netflix and DVRs people are watching more movies than ever.

So, with the long Labor Day weekend coming up, I thought I’d share a few of my recommendations with you of movies that are a little more off the beaten path. As always, these are just one dork’s opinions and your mileage may vary . . .

Musicals:
* The Music Man – My Mom must have taken me to see this ten times. I blame her for my unnatural appreciation of musicals. I like ‘em but I’m embarrassed that I like them. At first I liked it cuz of the weird songs – Rock Island, Shipoopi and Pick A Little, Talk A Little. Later on I was just addicted to the voice and delivery of scam artist, Professor Harold Hill (Robert Preston) and began to memorize all his lines. (Well, either you're closing your eyes to a situation you do not wish to acknowledge or you are not aware of the caliber of disaster indicated by the presence of a pool table in your community.)
* Singin’ In The Rain – This is the quintessential musical but it’s a great film comedy as well. As many times as I’ve seen the Donald O’Connor scene, “Make ‘em Laugh” I still can’t quite figure out how he did it! And, uh, deep dark secret: I ended up taking tap dancing lessons for two years after being inspired by Gene Kelly “dancin’” in the rain.

Westerns:
* Silverado – This is like the Big Chill of Westerns. It features an all-star cast with plenty of action and a great story written and directed by Lawrence Kasdan, who also wrote Raiders of the Lost Ark, The Empire Strikes Back and, oh yeah, The Big Chill.
* Lonesome Dove – Okay, this was actually a TV mini-series but just like the book is one of the best things ever written, this is one of the best mini-series ever. If you can make it past the water moccasin scene hang in there until late in the story when Gus McCrae (Robert Duvall) and Woodrow Call (Tommy Lee Jones) are reminiscing about their lives as one of them is dying. I'm a blubbering idiot by the end of that scene!

Science Fiction:
* Donnie Darko – This is as creepy and weird a movie as I’ve ever seen, especially the freaky bunny! As you’re watching the movie you’ll ask yourself, “What the heck is going on here?” AND when the movie is over you’ll say, “What the heck was that all about?” But months later, you’ll still be thinking about it! Not that this will help much but here’s my one helpful hint. As you watch the movie, keep in mind that Donnie Darko (Jake Gyllenhall) is trying to do the right thing.
* District 9 – This is a film currently in theaters. It’s bloody and violent, which isn’t really why I liked it. In some ways it’s a story of racism sent in the trappings of a science fiction story. Regardless, you’ll never look at prawns the same way again!

Sports:
* Breaking Away – This is the story of a bicycle race at the University of Indiana. The main character dreams of being a bike racer for an Italian race team. His friends help him train, but they’re really all just a bunch of losers. For me, it’s the Dad, (played by Paul Dooley) that makes the film. He is too funny by half!
* Glory Road – This is my all time favorite sports movie. It’s the story of Coach Don Haskins of Texas Western (now the University of Texas El Paso) and the first all-black starting line up for a college basketball team, winning the NCAA national championship back in 1966.

Mystery / Suspense:
* Memento – This is the story of a man (Guy Pearce) who has been through a great tragedy and was left with no long term memory. Since he can only remember things for a short period of time before it begins to fade away, he has a stash of Polaroid pictures, notes and TONS of tattoos to help him remember. What makes the movie however, is that it is told in reverse. The end of the movie comes first and it works it’s way back from there.
* Dexter – Okay, this isn’t a movie either but a series on Showtime and holy crap is it good. It’s about a serial killer who happens to be a forensic blood spatter expert for the Miami police department. His sister is a cop and his sweet, damaged girlfriend all provide him with some stability, even though they have no idea about his other life.
* The Green Mile – Stephen King is one of the best writers around. More than a few of his stories have been made into great films (The Shawshank Redemption, for example) and this is another. It’s partly a story about inmates waiting on Death Row for their executions but it is so much more. It’s the little mouse I love the most.

Classics:
* Casablanca – This movie has something for everybody – suspense, intrigue, romance, comedy and even some music. Humphrey Bogart is way too cool and future ex-wife, except I think she’s deceased, Ingrid Bergman is waaay tooo gorgeous. And be sure to notice how many times you actually hear someone say, “Play it again, Sam.”
* To Kill A Mockingbird – The only movie that I think is as good as the book. Gregory Peck as Atticus Finch is the greatest dad and best lawyer ever. And when you realize who plays Boo Radley, it’s almost weird. But what the heck is a chiffarobe?

Comedies:
* Little Miss Sunshine – This is the story of the Crawford family and their young daughter’s quest to compete in a beauty pageant. A brother who doesn’t speak, a suicidal uncle, a grandfather with a heroin habit and a chain smoking mother who swears she does not smoke are all offset by the sweet as can be little girl, played by Abigail Breslin.
* Simon Birch – I’m not sure if this is really a comedy but it is hysterically funny! I love those “coming of age” movies about kids growing up. (Stand By Me, filmed in Dan LaCoste’s back yard is a great example.) But my all time favorite is the story of Simon Birch, a kid born with more than a few challenges to deal with. He and his best friend handle them all, including the “one thing” that Simon has been waiting - and dreading - for his whole life. If nothing else, this movie is worth watching just for the Christmas pageant scene where Simon, because of his small stature, is force to play the baby Jesus and lay quietly in the manger!

Dramas:
* Million Dollar Baby – Clint Eastwood is the greatest director around. Hilary Swank plays a female boxer and Clint Eastwood (with help from Morgan Freeman) is her coach. You watch the first half of the movie, thinking you’re headed in one particular direction and then, out of the blue, you’re headed another direction. And when it’s over, you sit and stare at a blank screen cuz you’re numb.
* Mystic River – Another Clint Eastwood movie, but this time he only directs. While this is really a suspense / mystery film, it has some of the best acting I’ve ever seen. Especially Tim Robbins and, holy crap, Sean Penn. And if you like this one, check out Gone Baby Gone – a story written by the same guy that wrote Mystic River.

Stock Market Update: Friday, August 28, 2009

So,

Michael Jackson was murdered, Ted Kennedy wasn't such a weasel after all and the State of California is holding a garage sale. Really. Not a day goes by lately that something new and weird doesn't come along. And the stock market reacts by pretending everything is normal. But, holy crap, watch out if the Conference Board announces that consumer confidence is slipping!
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Stock Market Update: Wednesday August 26, 2009

Nothing exciting happening with the stock market today so I've decided to skip my usual uninformed analysis and pass along a short poem I wrote a while back. I wrote it when I was going through a bit of a rough patch with someone and it helped me process the anger and frustration I was feeling at the time. While I wouldn't expect you to find it inspiring or anything, I thought I'd share it with you.

Your butt is mine, gonna take you right
Just show your face in broad daylight
I'm telling you on how I feel
Gonna hurt your mind, don't shoot to kill
Shimon, Shimon
Lay it on me all right...

I'm giving you on count of three
To show your stuff or let it be...
I'm telling you just watch your mouth
I know your game
What you're about

Well they say the sky's the limit
And to me that's really true
But my friend you have seen nothing
Just wait 'til I get through

Because I'm bad, I'm bad - come on
(Bad, bad - really, really bad)
You know I'm bad, I'm bad - you know it
(Bad, bad - really, really bad)
You know I'm bad, I'm bad - come on, you know
(Bad, bad - really, really bad)
And the whole world has to answer right now
Just to tell you once again,
Who's bad...

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Stock Market Update: Tuesday August 25, 2009

So, it looks like Ben Bernanke (Motto: Holy crap did I get lucky the economy didn't tank any worse because of the stuff I did!) gets to stick around for a while. President Obama took a break from golf / reading / vacationing to announce that he has asked Bernanke to stay on as Fed chair. As a demonstration of his confidence, Obama did not require Bernanke to wear a tie to the event.

There was another nice article focusing on our fine institution on Motley Fool today.

"Top-Rated Stocks Blowing the Doors Off This Market" is an article from Motley Fool's CAPS community - which is kind of a "crowdsourcing" approach using the Motley Fool community to "identify the best stocks." In other words, a bunch of amateurs pretending to know what they're talking about. Which is exactly what analysts do, except they get paid for it. In any event, take it all with a grain of salt but there are two quotes from the article that jumped out at me:

"Of the more than 2,000 CAPS members rating US Bancorp, some 93% expect it to outperform the broader indices. For a bank, that's about as good as it gets these days."

"Throwing the baby out with the bath water could describe what happened to [US Bancorp]. They are a well managed organization that has not gone down the same high risk path as many of the other banks, however they were painted with the same broad brush as all the others."

None of the above had much impact on the market today, which is still stunned by Plaxico Burress saying (again) that "he didn't realize he'd accidentally shot himself until he saw the blood dripping onto his sneaker."

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(Opinions expressed in the Stock Market Update certainly do not represent the views of U.S. Bancorp and sometimes not even Peter Milliron. Read at your own risk. Or not, as the case may be.)

Stock Market Update: Monday, August 24, 2009

A couple of weeks ago I passed along a link to a story about a mouse that had crawled into an ATM and made a nest out of some $20 bills in LaGrande, OR.  Well, apparently that story made it's way to Serbia and a bank there must have decided it was going to stop those evil, nest making mice in their tracks!  Or at least that's my best guess since a BOA CONSTRICTOR (or, as one commenter put it, a BofA CONSTRICTOR) was found on top of an ATM!  

In any event, the prospect of snakes on a mother freaking ATM is news apparently a bit much for investor's as about 3/4ths of the bank stocks I track were down today; while the Dow was up slightly.


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By the way, although the link to the video in the article may not work for you, you should still take time to read the comments.  A number of them are pretty dang funny!

And one more thing.  In the event you like keeping up on the latest bank failures, Texas-based Guaranty Bank (Motto: Guaranty is our name but we're counting on the FDIC to take care of that for us) - the third largest bank failure in 2009 - was taken over the FDIC on Friday night.  This is the bank that (rumor has it) U.S. Bank made a bid for but lost out to a bank from Spain.  While I'm grateful U.S. Bancorp management didn't get sucked into paying more than a fair price for a failed bank, can you imagine the impact of adding 162 branches in Texas and California would have had? That would have been a big dang deal!

FACT CHECK: Health Overhaul Myths Taking Root

There's a good AP article some of the persistent myths about health care reform.  It stems from results of an NBC News survey conducted last week. The article provides much more detail, of course but here's the high level view. 

 

THE MYTH: 45 percent said it's likely the government will decide when to stop care for the elderly; 50 percent said it's not likely.

THE FACTS: Nothing being debated in Washington would give the government such authority.

 

THE MYTH: 55 percent expect the overhaul will give coverage to illegal immigrants; 34 percent don't.

THE FACTS: The proposals being negotiated do not provide coverage for illegal immigrants.

 

THE MYTH: 54 percent said the overhaul will lead to a government takeover of health care; 39 percent disagree.

THE FACTS: Obama is not proposing a single-payer system in which the government covers everyone, like in Canada or some European countries. He says that direction is not right for the U.S. The proposals being negotiated do not go there.

 

THE MYTH: 50 percent expect taxpayer dollars will be used to pay for abortions; 37 percent don't.

THE FACTS: The House version of legislation would allow coverage for abortion in the public plan. But the procedure would be paid for with dollars from beneficiary premiums, not from federal funds. Likewise, private plans in the new insurance exchange could opt to cover abortion, but no federal subsidies would be used to pay for the procedure.

Stock Market Update: Friday August 21, 2009

Today's stock market update is brought to you by the lazy doofus who spends too much time sending time wasting emails instead of actually working. The only interesting thing happening on Wall Street today is that they held their first ever, official casual day, sponsored by The Gap. That's right, for the first time ever, New York Stock Exchange traders got to wear jeans to work! And I know you're all asking, "Why can't we do that around here?" And of course the answer is, "Whaddya mean? Every Friday is jeans day in our region - it's just something we don't tell our boss!" (Now that I've outed all of you, let me just mention that you can thank me later . . .)

And because I have actual work I should probably get done, I took the easy way out today. Here are some great headlines from the interwebs . . .

Stop, Or My Mom Will Shoot

Michele Obama And The Shorts Heart Round The World

What Would You Do For A Klondike Bar? Would You Burglarize A House?

Today Is The 50th Anniversary Of Hawaiian Statehood. Hawaii Is Of Course Famous For The Hula, Luaus, Volcanoes, And Temporarily Being Kenya One Day In 1961

The 'M' In 'ATM' Stands For "Machine", But It Could Also Stand For 'Money'

A Hive Of Bees Appear Outside Your Home. Do You: A) Call An Expert To Remove Them? B) Wait Inside Until They Leave? C) Grab A Shop-Vac And Try To Suck Them All Up

Skydiver's Chute Fails To Open, Instructor's Extraordinary Efforts Save Them Both. Woman Sues Instructor Because She Broke Two Fingers

San Francisco Creates Life-Size Candy Land Board In The Streets To Celebrate Game's 60th Anniversary. Commuters Irate, Currently Stuck In Stupid Peppermint Forest As Their Kids Pass Them By

New Study Finds Love Is Worth £163,424, Which Is Roughly The Same Amount You'll Have To Pay Her After The Divorce

US Is Up To Number 50 In The World In Life Expectancy.

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Drugs R Us

Back in the late 50s, when I was an Operations Officer at a bank branch in Salem, Oregon we were contacted by an FBI agent friend of mine who wanted to bring in some currency they had recovered in a drug bust. This was in the days before banks had strict guidelines for handling contaminated currency, so I told him to go ahead and bring it in and we’d take care of it.

He and another agent brought it in – all wadded up in baggies and socks and other assorted unconventional containers. The FBI agents unwrapped it all and gave it to us to count. A teller and I spent about an hour sorting and counting it all. In the end it didn’t amount to all that much money but boy was it a mess.

As we were winding down I asked one of the agents, “So, in your experience is it dangerous to handle drug money like this?”

“I’ve been doing this for a long time and handled money from lots of different drug busts and it’s never been a problem for me.” And then he paused and added, “But I wouldn’t lick my fingers!”

Which brings me to that old myth that all money is contaminated with cocaine. I never really believed it – until now. CNN ran a story this week that states “90 percent of U.S. Bills carry traces of cocaine.”

You may want to read the entire article but here’s a few highlights:

* Money can be contaminated with cocaine during drug deals or if a user snorts with a bill. But not all bills are involved in drug use; they can get contaminated inside currency-counting machines at the bank. (These bills have fewer remnants of cocaine. Some of the dollars in this experiment had .006 micrograms, which is several thousands of times smaller than a single grain of sand.)

* Cocaine binds to the green dye in money. Scientists say the amount of cocaine found on bills is not enough to cause health risks.

* Although the contaminated bills do not affect health, they could cause a false positive drug test if a person, such as a law enforcement officer or banker, handles contaminated currency repeatedly.

* For years, health agencies have advised people to wash their hands after touching cash for sanitary reasons. Disease-causing organisms such as staphylococcus aureus and pneumonia-causing bacteria have been detected in paper bills. According to a 2002 study published in the Southern Medical Journal, 94 percent of the tested bills had potentially disease-causing organisms.

CITIES AND COCAINE
Bills turned up positive for cocaine in these percentages in certain cities:

100 percent:
* Detroit, Michigan
* Boston, Massachusetts
* Orlando, Florida
* Los Angeles, California

88 percent:
* Toronto, Canada

77 percent:
* Salt Lake City, Utah

75 percent:
* Brasilia, Brazil

20 percent:
* Tokyo, Japan;
* Beijing, China

0 percent:
* Zhuzhou, China


COUNTRIES AND COCAINE
Bills turned up positive for cocaine in these percentages in certain countries:

90 percent:
* United States

85 percent:
* Canada

80 percent:
* Brazil

20 percent:
* China

12 percent:
* Japan

All that got me to thinking; if they tested currency for other substances I wonder what other stuff they might find. While there’s no way to know for sure, I think we can make a few educated guesses . . .

Seattle, Washington: 90% of bills contaminated with coffee grounds. (I know I went for the obvious with this one.)

Washington, D.C.: 89% of bills contaminated with slime but Congress promises it will all be cleaned up as soon as new health care legislation is passed.

Eugene, Oregon: 63% of bills contaminated with hemp

Springfield, Oregon: 43% of bills contaminated with sawdust

Junction City, Oregon: In the week after the Scandinavian Festival, 84% of bills contaminated with lefsa, lutefisk, aebelskiver and those groovy meat pies (runza?).

Florence, Oregon: 100% of bills contaminated with sand – mostly in places you didn’t know sand could exist.

Roseburg, Oregon: 52% of bills have been singed through spontaneous combustion due to their proximity to the Roseburg Branch and their HVAC system.

North Bend, Oregon: No bills are contaminated but a city ordinance prohibits the passing of any bill that may have been touched by a resident of Coos Bay.

Coos Bay, Oregon: No bills are contaminated but a city ordinance prohibits the passing of any bill that may have been touched – or even viewed - by a resident of North Bend.

Myrtle Creek, Oregon: While you would expect the fresh scent of myrtlewood to permeate bills passing through this town, the truth is that 32% are contaminated with vehicle exhaust from nearby I-5.

Tillamook, Oregon: 79% of bills contaminated with cheese. Medium cheddar, of course.

Pendleton, Oregon: 62% of bills contaminated with horse manure. (Increases to 100% during the Pendleton Roundup.)

Bend, Oregon: 34% of bills contaminated with juniper.

Reno, Nevada: 99% of bills contaminated with filthy lucre.

Sacramento, California: There is no currency in California - only Registered Warrants.

Fargo, North Dakota: 41% of bills not contaminated but still soggy from last winter’s flooding.

Minneapolis, Minnesota: While no bills are contaminated, they have all been reduced in size by 5%

And remember: Don’t lick your fingers!

Stock Market Update: Wednesday, August 19, 2009

TheStreet.com has an interesting article speculating about a possible dilemma involving the Chief Financial Officer for Citigroup. Since the U.S. Government is the largest shareholder, they have a pretty significant role in the operation. BUT what's interesting is something buried a bit further down in the article:

"CEO Vikram Pandit has been criticized for not bringing change quick enough to the troubled institution, as well as for his lack of commercial banking experience. Many have speculated that Pandit could be replaced, with former CFO (now Vice-chair) Ned Kelly or former US Bancorp Chairman Jerry Grundhofer, who is a Citi director.”

Now that would be interesting! If you work at U.S. Bank, anyway . . .

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Stock Market Update: Tuesday, August 18, 2009

A better day for the stock market today as most stocks rose a bit. Apparently Bret Favre's announcement that he WILL play for the Vikings this season didn't bring the financial markets to their knees.

I ran across an interesting article from Business Week titled, "Why Be an Ethical Company? They're Stronger and Last Longer." The entire article is worth a read but here's a couple of quotes I liked:

U.S. Bancorp and other companies mentioned in the article, "share is a laser-like focus on customer service and on honesty and transparency. This comes from their cultures."

"US Bancorp has always been a straight shooter with a particularly strong practice focused on high-net-worth individuals. Both have an extremely strong sense of responsibility to their customers. And it shows."

Pretty cool and a ringing endorsement for doing the right thing, consistently. All the time. Amen.

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Stock Market Update: Monday, August 17, 2009

The stock market took its sharpest dive in over six weeks today. Not one of the banks stocks I track took a step in a positive direction. While Wall Street may try and tell you the dive is related to fears about whether or not consumers are willing to spend money fast enough to help the economy (wasn’t that part of what got us into this mess?) the real reasons are a bit trickier to identify, but let me give it a shot: Its all about the DWTS Factor!

That’s right, today is the day they announced the contestants for the new season of Dancing With The (Non-Star) Stars. Although I have never watched an episode of this show (apparently my estrogen levels are below the minimum standard required for viewing), apparently it is a big hit with women older than my mother. So, who’s on the show? Let me give you a hint: No one you have ever heard of!

Aaron Carter – Spoiled brat. Snot nosed punk.
Natalie Coughlin – Swimmer but nowhere in the league of future ex-wife Dara Torres.
Mark Dacascos – Secret ingredient selector on Iron Chef America.
Tom Delay – Sleazy Former congressman.
Macy Gray – Singer with the weirdest voice ever. Sister of Dorian
Ashley Hamilton – Apparently a guy. Who knew? Son of some guy with a great tan.
Melissa Joan Hart – Talks to black cat puppets.
Kathy Ireland – Not Irish. Probably never had a Guinness.
Michael Irvin – One more reason to hate the Dallas Cowboys. (As if I needed one.)
Joanna Krupa – Uh, jazz great Gene Krupa’s kid, maybe?
Chuck Liddell – Former UFC champion? Are you kidding? I have lost all respect for this guy.
Debi Mazar – Part of somebody’s entourage?
Mya – You-a tell-a me-a.
Kelly Osbourne – If she is willing to bite the head off a bat, I might watch.
Donny Osmond – Reportedly loves puppies. Sister prone to fainting.
Louie Vito – Distant cousin to Michael Corleone.

How does this affect stock prices? (Thanks for asking!) In two ways:

1. Investors who are unfamiliar with the show are so depressed about its popularity (let alone its existence) they have unloaded their portfolios and made plans to move to a desert island.
2. Investors who are fans of the show didn’t do a lick of work as they spent the entire day setting their brackets for the upcoming season.

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Stock Market Update: Friday August 14, 2009

I thought I'd try something new . . .

Most days I send out a stock update after the market closes, just to let my fellow bankers know where some of the major bank stocks ended the day. Since I have virtually no idea how the market works, I usually include my own hare-brained idea about why stocks might have gone up or down for the day. Here's the scoop for Friday, August 14th.

Just when you think Wall Street will never get it, one of the most familiar faces in the world of business comes along and blows you away. Everyone knows that, by far, the best business training you can get is by appearing on Donald Trump's Apprentice, right? I mean, if The Donald doesn't know everything there is to know, then what hope is there for this country? One of his most villainous memorable protégées, Omarosa Manigaultehdinejad, announced yesterday that she is entering an Ohio seminary to study for the ministry. She is scheduled to begin her studies at United Theological Seminary in Dayton on Monday. Some might say that her reputation for both good and bad will help her in ministry because people will relate to her. On the other hand, her "in your face style" might just tick off the Big Guy who reportedly has lightning bolts and other weapons of mass destruction at His disposal. Fortunately, in my experience, He seems like a pretty patient guy . . .

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For The Health Of It

You’d have to be in a coma to have missed the raging debate taking place these days over health care. It’s a hugely important issue and all of us should do our homework to understand what we might be getting ourselves into.

In listening to the intelligent discourse (and I use the term so loosely that you might want to stay off the Activia for a while), I don’t know what drives me crazier:

* The members of Congress who claim they don’t know what’s in the bill. (Sure, a final bill is a ways off but, come on, you should at least pretend like you’ve been paying attention!)

* The participants in those town hall meetings who think a sensible strategy involves drowning out their congress person by screaming at the top of their lungs. (Because nothing is more persuasive than coming across as a raging lunatic.)

* The talking heads on the news networks who rarely seem to get past the surface of an issue to ask the really hard questions. (I suppose it is more fun to focus on the outrageous claims being made by both sides, but if you really think that is somehow helpful, you are sorely mistaken.)

Like everyone, I have a lot of hard questions about health care reform. And since none of the above avenues have proven to be the least bit helpful, I’m hoping all of you can help me out. And if you can do so without screaming at the top of your lungs, that’ll help. Here we go . . .

1. How can I get on one of them government run death panels?
Oh sure, I know NONE of the various versions being considered have even the slightest suggestion of establishing a group to decide who is worthy (and who is not) of receiving continued health benefits, but if they change their mind, I wanna be on record as having been one of the first to call “dibs” on an assignment. I’ve got a slug of people on my “not worthy” list . . .

2. Assuming I can’t get on a government run death panel, can I get on one of the already established ones the insurance companies run?
The whole fake “death panel” discussion made me realize that our insurance providers already have these. They already decide who and what will get paid so if I can’t get on the government death panel, I’m calling “dibs” on the insurance company version as my backup.

3. And what about euthanasia?
I’ve always thought they were about the same as kids anywhere. Will that continue to be true?

4. If we go to single payer system, can I pick who that payer will be?
Rather than having the government pony up the dough, we can save a slug of money by having a series of individuals be responsible for paying our health care costs. These individuals are ones who have either A) demonstrated a careless and wanton disregard to handling financial matters and / or B) more money than they should, based on their contribution to society as determined by the Peter Milliron Death Panel. I recommend the following individuals be designated as the “single payer” until their funds run out, and then the responsibility will move to the next person on the list:

* Bernie Madow
* Paris Hilton
* Donald Trump (assuming he’s not in bankruptcy at the time)
* The Estate of Michael Jackson
* AIG
* Additional payers will be identified as needed.

5. Can you help me understand what is meant by a “pre-existing condition”?
I’m not completely clear on what a “pre-existing condition” is but for as long as I can remember, I have always been deathly afraid of snakes, beets, Brussell sprouts, Great White Sharks and celebrities with unnaturally large lips due to excessive collagen injections. Will I still be able to obtain counseling and / or allergy treatment for these contaminants?

6. Why are we so afraid of socialism but are willing to embrace just about anything related to social networking?
I mean, aren’t they pretty much the same thing?

7. If government run health reform is passed, what about the poor insurance companies?
Obviously they won’t be able to make enough money to maintain the private jets for their top executives? What about them? Doesn’t anyone care about the disenfranchised any more?

8. Since I (obviously) make well more than $500,000 a year, I understand a surcharge will be applied to my already enormous tax burden. That is so unfair!
I mean, how can I possibly be expected to pay that surcharge AND my dues to the Organic Beer Association of Middle America (OBAMA)? Doesn’t anyone care about the disenfranchised any more?

9. I understand the government will have complete access to my bank accounts as part of the health care reform.
I don’t really have a question here; I’m just wondering if while you’re in there, could you send my car payment each month? I never seem to get to it until the last minute!

10. Something like 36% of individuals who have tried to purchase health insurance directly from an insurance company were discriminated against because of a pre-existing condition or dropped from coverage when they became seriously ill.
I think we could boost that statistic a bit more by adding Roger Clemens and Al Davis to the list. What do you think?

11. Employer-sponsored health insurance premiums have nearly doubled since 2000, a rate three times faster than wages. Each year I pay more for my health insurance and receive less coverage.
Can I count on the government to continue to provide this same level of high quality coverage?

12. As I understand it, once this legislation becomes law, marijuana will not only be legalized but mandatory.
Although I have never smoked ganja in my life, will the FDA require all brownie mixes to list the amount of weed per serving? And, if it’s okay, could future ex-wife, Mary-Louis Parker be my dealer?

Okay, that just about covers my questions. If you can help with the answers, let me know. AND, just in case you’re interested, one place to go to check out whether a health care rumor you’ve heard is true or not, is PolitiFact.com. Check it out.

Humiliation

I know this will come as no surprise but I’ve had more than my share of embarrassing moments over the years. Because they happen somewhat regularly, I’ve learned that the best approach (for me at least) is to try and just to own up to it and move on.

As if you needed any more evidence of what a total dork I am, here’s a couple of good examples . . .

* Growing up, I loved to go fishing with my Dad and our friends. On one particular fishing trip on the Sandy River (when I was about 7 or 8) my Dad got a bit frustrated with me talking all the time. He finally told me – in no uncertain terms – that he didn’t want to hear another word out of me for the rest of the day! I kept quiet. Even while watching as the anchor slipped off the knot in the rope of our family boat. When my Dad heard the “plop” of the anchor hitting the water he asked, “What was that?” I kept quiet of course. Until he asked again – a bit more forcefully. I answered, “It was the anchor. It slipped off the rope.” “And you sat there watching it and didn’t say anything?” my Dad asked. “You told me not to talk!” was all I could think of to say. (This was the day he wrote me out of his will.)

* When I was in grade school / middle school I picked berries every summer. I grew up in East Multnomah County – out towards Gresham. For a couple of years the place I picked berries was a long bus ride to and from home – somewhere out near Wilsonville, south of Portland. Often I was tired and would take a nap on the bus on the way home. On one particular hot, sweaty day I woke from my nap to find that, I had, um, well, had an accident! I was like 12 years old! Waaay too old to be having an “accident” and certainly not something that had been a problem before now! Luckily, I had a sweatshirt I could wrap around my waist. The guy who said, “Nice skirt, Milliron” was far easier to deal with than whatever he might have said if he had been able to see what it was covering up!

* In eighth grade, while onstage for a performance of The Sound of Music at the Portland Civic Theater, (embarrassing enough in it’s own right, I know!) a clasp on the cuff of my, um, sailor suit, got caught in my socks during a scene where the Von Trapp children were playing leap frog. When it came time to stand up all I could do was pray that the sleeve of my shirt would hold together. It did but the ripping sound of my sock – and the enormous hole it created – were enough to get the audience laughing.

* When I got married I wore a white tux. (Embarrassing enough in its own right, I know!) On the morning of the wedding I realized I needed a pair of white socks to go with it. So, my best man and I ran to Fred Meyer to see what we could find. All they had were white athletic socks. I grabbed a pair and raced back to the church. While you (thankfully) can’t tell in any of the wedding photos, apparently you could see the blue and gold stripes on the athletic socks through my pants. (This was probably the beginning of the end of my marriage.)

Kinda Explains The Whole Birth Certificate Thing