Can You Spell Bogus?

I know this is just the geeky kind of thing you would expect me to watch but, until last night, I had never seen the Scripps National Spelling Bee before. It’s an interesting competition but it’s hard to believe it’s become as popular as it has. Based on the emails I receive from friends and co-workers, no one in America knows how to spell any more; let alone take the time to use spell check!

Just as weird is that the early rounds are on ESPN. What the heck does spelling have to do with sports? Far be it for me to complain about any show that has future ex-wife Erin Andrews interviewing the losers on the “sideline” but sports? No.

Even still, I watched. I think of myself as a pretty good speller. In the second grade I placed 2nd in a school-wide spelling bee against 2nd, 3rd and 4th graders. I went out on marshmallow. (It sounds a lot more like marsh-mellow than marsh-mallow!) I would watch when the word was first pronounced but then I’d avert my eyes before the word would come up on the screen. I’d listen to all the stall tactics the kids use (“Can I have the origin of the word?” “Can you give me the definition?” “Uh, any chance you could spell the word for me?”) and then would take my best shot at spelling the word myself. simnel. passacaglia. amarevole. I never got even one word right!

And then it hit me! Holy crap! None of these words are real! They made ‘em all up! iliopsoas. conchyliated. omphaloskepsis. No one I know has ever heard of any of these words. Oh sure, my son, Jeremy, said he recognized the final, winning word (Laodicean) but I think that’s just because it sounds like the name of a city in the New Testament that he probably heard about in Sunday School years ago. Still, not a real word.

And if you want evidence, here it is: Not one of the words is recognized by spell check in Microsoft Word!

About the time I realized the whole thing is faked, I got an email from my other son, Jake, who suggested that we all take part in the

NATIONAL SPELLING BEE DRINKING GAME

The rules are simple. You just take a drink . . .

Every time a contestant:
 Asks for the origin of a word
 Asks for the word in a sentence (drink AFTER the word is used in a sentence)
 Has his/her pronunciation corrected by the judges
 Fist pumps (drink while fist pumping)
 High Fives (slap the person to your right, drink once)
 Spells a word with his/her finger (i.e. on hand, name card, or in the air)

Every time the camera shows:
 Family/friends with signs (mock the sign and take a drink)
 Mothers crying

Every time:
 The bell rings (signifying the word was spelled wrong)

I know I may sound like I’m a big drinker but I’m really not. Jake’s game would have gotten me drunk in about 3 seconds I never get drunk and I certainly was not going to use the beverage Jake said was the official beer of the Scripps National Spelling Bee: PBR!

But then future ex-wife Erin Andrews came on and I decided to try a modified version of the game. I would only take a drink (Rogue Imperial Stout - not that sparkling goat urine Jake suggested) when future ex-wife Erin Andrews is on screen. Of course I don't quit drinking until she's off screen so that's kind of a problem . . .

Eventually I just focused on the contestants and the made up words they were pretending to spell. These were my favorites – the ones I was rooting for:

Tim Ruiter of Centerville, Virginia. Just from watching him for a few rounds I was not surprised that his bio on the Scripps National Spelling Bee web site confirmed what I already suspected: “Tim has devoted a lot of time to Star Wars, Star Trek, and The Lord of the Rings. He's studied the character of Gollum enough to pull off a terrific impression.”

Kyle Mou of Peoria, Illinois. Kyle went out on schizaffin – a made up word if I’ve ever heard one! (Ostensibly it means: a small breakfast cake originally developed by Snoop Dog.) His bio says he “enjoys his time spent as a member of his school's scholastic bowl team.” His “scholastic bowl team?” What the heck is that? Bowling and scholastics do NOT go together. And how would it work anyway? Every pin represents an element of the periodic table and you have to give the common name of the compound created by the pins you’ve knocked down?

Aishwarya Pastapur, Springfield, Illinois. She was so serious! She made every word look like the fate of the free world depended on her getting it right! I mean, how tough is guayabera anyway? (Guayabera: a refreshing drink native to the Oaxaca region of Mexico.)

Kennyi Aouad, Terra Haute, Indiana. This guy was the opposite of Aishawarya. Mr. Smirkypants! Looked like he might bust up at any moment. He went out on the word palatschinken, which they claimed was a type of “mouth watering poultry.” (I ain’t buying it.)

Neetu Chandak, Geneva New York. The thing I loved most about this girl is that after she spelled (or misspelled, as the case may be) her last word (derriengue – which is some kind of whipped topping used on, well, you don’t wanna know), she immediately said, “ding!” She knew she hadn’t gotten it right. It was good for a laugh in a room full of nerds.

Kavya Shivashankar, Olathe, Kansas. This is your champion, ladies and gentlemen. A three-time top 10 finisher who “looks forward to becoming a neurosurgeon.” Big surprise! A profession featuring a lot of made up words!

All in all, it was pretty cool but by the end of the tournament I had formed a new theory: All the made up words are nothing but a “word jumble” using the contestants names!

If This Is Real, I'm Impressed!

As If You Care . . .

Thinking back on all the rambling stuff I’ve written about here over the past couple of years got me to thinking about how well all of you probably know me. It feels like my life is an open book and that I’m probably more than a bit guilty of over-sharing. Nevertheless, maybe it’s time for all of you to take the . . . .

“How Well Do You Know Peter Milliron” Quiz!

It’s available through this link to my Facebook page. For most of you, NOT taking this lame quiz is probably your option of choice. That’s okay, my feelings won’t be hurt.

For the rest of you here are the questions, just in case you wanna sneak peak . . .

1. I was born in . . .
 Portland, Oregon
 Wenatchee, Washington
 Oakland, California
 Salt Lake City, Utah
 . . . spite of God’s better judgment.

2. I have three sisters. Their names are:
 Connie, Connie and Jane
 Connie, Connie and Elizabeth
 Carla, Carla and Jane
 Carla, Carla and Elizabeth
 Larry, Darryl and my other brother Darryl

3. My favorite book is:
 The DaVinci Code by Dan Brown
 Lonesome Dove by Larry McMurtry
 A Wrinkle In Time by Madeleine L’Engle
 The World According to Garp by John Irving
 Harry Potter and the Steaming Pile of Crap by Rush Limbaugh

4. My demon-possessed black lab, Rudy, is named after:
 Rudy Ruettiger – the guy in the Notre Dame football movie
 Rudy Giuliani – former mayor of New York
 Rudy Huxtable – the youngest child of Cliff and Claire Huxtable on the Cosby Show
 The Sherlock Holmes phrase: “Rudimentary, my dear Watson.”
 Rutabagas

5. Which of the following is the funniest thing I’ve ever seen / heard / read:
 Superbad
 30 Rock
 Lamb: The Gospel According To Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal
 Spamalot
 Schindler’s List

6. In the fantasy world I live on, I like to think my sense of humor is a lot like:
 Johnny Carson
 George Carlin
 David Letterman
 John Stewart
 Dick Cheney

7. Which of the following have I NOT done:
 Been a disc jockey
 Gotten lost with my kids in the Old City of Jerusalem at night.
 Pretended to be U.S. Bank CEO Richard Davis on a conference call
 Lived in the Oregon governor’s mansion
 Proudly taken my son’s picture standing next to Britney Spears garbage cans

8. Which of the following songs do I NOT want played at my funeral?
 Money for Nothing by Dire Straits
 Spirit in the Sky by Norman Greenbaum
 If I Had Possession Over Judgment Day by Eric Clapton
 Why Should The Devil Have All The Good Music by Larry Norman
 Don’t Stop Believing by Journey

9. Which of the following phrases are you least likely to hear me say?
 Holy crap!
 You get what you pay for!
 If you’re like me – and I know you’re glad you’re not . . .
 Thanks for coming. Good night and drive safely!
 Only you can prevent forest fires.

10. Which of the following have I NEVER said in church:
 Benny Hinn is a pompous windbag
 May the Force be with you. (And also with you.)
 I’m so glad you could all be here on the Sunday we perform our animal sacrifice!
 Eschatology is the study of edible French snails
 It’s not every church you go to that has a guy playing Led Zeppelin’s Stairway to Heaven on the guitar on Sunday morning!

Poor? Pay Up! Rich? Free Lunch!

The Washington Post has a great story today about the high cost of being poor. For most of us, this is pretty eye opening. For example:

"The poor pay more for a gallon of milk; they pay more on a capital basis for inferior housing," said Rep. Earl Blumenauer, D-Ore. "The poor and 100 million who are struggling for the middle class actually end up paying more for transportation, for housing, for health care, for mortgages. They get steered to subprime lending. ... The poor pay more for things middle-class America takes for granted."

Like food: You don't have a car to get to a supermarket, much less to Costco, where the middle class goes to save money. You don't have three hours to take the bus. So you shop at the corner store, where prices can be double what you'll find at Safeway.

But if you really wanna get fired up about the gap between rich and poor, you should read the book Free Lunch: How the Wealthiest Americans Enrich Themselves at Government Expense (and StickYou with the Bill) by David Cay Johnston. Let me warn you though, if you read the whole thing you'll just be pissed.

Now I Know Why I Love Obama

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Trading Places

On the planet where I come from, it is sometimes fun to think about weird stuff like:

If I could be any cartoon character, living or dead, who would it be?
or,
If Barbara Walters interviewed me, what kind of tree would I want to be?
Or,
A man walks into a bank to cash his check. By mistake the teller gives him his dollar amount in change, and his change amount in dollars. On the way home he spends a nickel, and now notices he has 2 times the amount of his check. How much was the check?
OR,
If I was cast in The Real World – Cancun next season, how long would it take before I was thrown off for exceeding both the maximum age and maximum weight limits (within five minutes)?

But those will have to wait for another time because I have four other fantasy questions to think about today!

Real People I Would Love To Trade Places With For At Least One Day
 Barack Obama - POTUS
 David Letterman - Host, The Late Show
 Peter – Fisherman, Apostle, Troublemaker
 Brian Williams - Anchor, NBC News
 Dhani Jones - Linebacker, Cincinnati Bengals and host of Dhani Tackles The Globe
 Anthony Bourdain - Chef, Author and host of No Reservations
 Jacoby Ellsbury - Outfielder, Boston Red Sox (Especially on the day he stole home)
 Eric Clapton / Ben Harper / John Butler / John Mayer (Or most any other great guitarist)
 Erin Andrews - Reporter, ESPN (Okay, maybe not Erin exactly but her producer or body guard – anyone who gets to regularly hang out with my former, future ex-wife.)

Fictional Characters I Would Love To Trade Places With For At Least One Day
 Bond, James Bond - Spy, British Secret Service
 Han Solo - Mercenary, Smuggler, Pirate and Owner, Millennium Falcon
 Gus McCrae - Cowboy, Entrepreneur, Philosopher, Former Texas Ranger in Lonesome Dove
 John Rebus – Detective Inspector, Edinburgh Scotland Police in Ian Rankin Novels
 Atticus Finch - Attorney, Father in To Kill A Mockingbird
 Biff – Friend of Jesus in Lamb: The Gospel According To Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal
 Frodo Baggins - Ringbearer, world traveler
 Bruce Wayne – Billionaire Industrialist, Batman
 John Locke - Leader, LOST

Real People I Would NOT Trade Places With For Even One Day
 Bernie Maddow - Scam artist, total lowlife, prison boyfriend
 Michael Phelps - Eight Time Olympic Gold Medalist, scrutinized by everyone for everything he has ever done
 Dick Cheney – Self-proclaimed enhanced interrogation expert, unconvicted felon
 Rush Limbaugh - Pompous windbag
 George Steinbrenner - Tax cheat, corporate socialist and owner, New York Yankees)
 Al Davis - Owner / Meddler, Oakland Raiders

Fictional Characters I Would NOT Trade Places With For Even One Day Jar Jar Binks - Gungan, Galactic Senator, wacky linguist
 Gollum - Ring thief, ring loser, hard swallower
 Dexter – Forensic Blood Spatter Specialist with Miami Police Department, serial killer
 Spencer Pratt - Fictional boyfriend / husband of Heidi Montag, The Hills
 Benjamin Linus - Former leader, LOST
 Moby Dick – whale, Moby Dick

Doable

As an employee of the best bank in America, I laughed at last night's cold open on SNL. The whole show was dang funny - as it always seems to be when Justin Timberlake is on - but for us bankers this sketch was either hilarious or painful. And for those who found it painful, well, it's probably with good reason.

Those Who Can Least Afford It

Naomi Klein is one of the smartest people around. Except that she always scares the crud out of me. Listen to what she has to say about the bank bailout and stress tests.

Playing For Change

The folks at Playing for Change have a pretty clever idea with some lofty goals. Count me in as a HUGE Grandpa Elliott fan!

Feeling Stressed?

So, U.S. Bank - my employer - passed the Stress Test! Whatever the heck that means! Okay, I kinda know what it means but here's the quick and dirty version from our CEO, Richard Davis:

U.S. Bank received positive feedback from the Federal Reserve regarding the "Stress Test" - The Supervisory Capital Assessment Program. In materials released by the Federal Reserve on Thursday, May 7, 2009 the preliminary findings indicate that U.S. Bancorp did not need any additional capital buffer... which means "we passed."

Maybe it's just me but I think the Treasury Department dropped the ball when it developed the "test." They did not really get at the core of sources of stress for banks. If they had only asked a teller at an average branch what truly causes stress for the bank, they'd have been able to provide a detailed answer! With that in mind here are a few ideas for . . .

Stress Tests That WOULD Really Determine The Safety and Soundness of a Bank

Disclaimers:
1. The following scenarios have all happened at one or more offices of U.S. Bank, although my memory may have failed me when it comes to the details.
2. U.S. Bank has the greatest customers and the greatest employees in the entire banking industry. Any remarks that seem unflattering toward any individual customers or employees are not intended to be reflection on all.

The Alfred Hitchcock Test
Scenario 1: Your branch has a family of pigeons who decided to nest in the space just above your ATM. When customers use the ATM they find the surrounding area has been "decorated" by pigeon droppings. As unsightly and messy and smelly as the bird droppings are, the real concern is the racket the pigeons make when a customer tries to use the ATM. It tends to scare the crud out of customers. How do you resolve this stressful issue?
Scenario 2: Your branch has a family of birds living in a nest in a beautiful tree near your front entry. Each spring the Mom and Dad have a new batch of kids and, like all parents, they are very protective. However, that means that as customers enter and leave the branch, the parents will swoop down, sometimes striking the customer, to warn them to stay the heck away from their babies. How do you resolve this stressful issue?

The Toxic Avenger Test
Scenario 1: One of your branch's best customers is a local commercial mushroom plant. The employees get paid every other Friday and most come straight to the bank after work to cash their check. Unfortunately that means they are coming straight from the damp, dark, manure-filled buildings where the mushrooms are grown. The smell is overwhelmingly awful and the burning in the eyes is even worse. How do you resolve this stressful issue?
Scenario 2: Your branch has a mysterious customer who comes in regularly to access his safe deposit box. He smells like, what can best be described as, cat urine. The smell lingers long after he leaves the branch - especially in the vault. How do you resolve this stressful issue?

The Plan 9 From Outer Space Test
A customer calls you from a pay phone in another state. He needs information about his account and is expecting a large transfer of funds any day. After properly identifying him, you tell him the money apparently has not arrived. He is frustrated but says he will call back later. Thirty minutes later he calls back asking for the same information. You tell him nothing has changed. He says, "they told me it would be there by now! Where is it?" You ask who told him it would be there. He responds with, "They did. I just heard from them a second ago." You say, "Okay but maybe if you can tell me WHO it is, maybe that will help me track it down." He answers with, "You wouldn't understand." You say, "Really, why is that." He says, "Because they don't talk to just anyone." You say, "Uhh . . . " He says, "Oh wait! It's them. Just a second. Yes, uh huh, yes. Okay. Thank you. Alright they say it should be there now. Can you check again?" You say, "I'm sorry. The balance in your account is still $6.00." He goes nuts. "What? Are you $#%&*@ incompetent! I just told you the $%*#$^ money is in the account. My head is hurting so much right now; you don't even understand! I need that money or they're going to kill me! I've been to their planet before and I don't ever want to go again! Oh NO! They're coming for me. It's them! It's them!!" And then the phone goes dead. How do you resolve this stressful issue?

The Edward Scissorhands Test
Because of cutbacks in the landscape maintenance budget, it is hard to have the outside of our branches looking as nice as we might want. For the past year you have really struggled with the overgrown shrubbery and trees around the branch. Over and over you work with our way fine facilities folks and the less than helpful landscaper to try to get things under control. Still the problem persists. You make one last attempt to get things corrected. As a result, the landscaper tells his crew to really trim back things at your branch. You come to work the next day to find that the greenery has, indeed, been trimmed back. In fact in most cases, no greenery remains - just the stubs of what once was a very nice - but overgrown - rhododendron. Within a few weeks almost all your shrubbery is dead. How do you resolve this stressful issue?

The Upstairs Downstairs Test
Your branch is over 50 years old. When it was built it included an apartment upstairs where the manager was allowed to live as part of his compensation package. These days neither the manager, or anyone else on the staff, has had need of the apartment, so the bank (always looking for sources of fee income) rents it out. Most of the folks have been good tenants but the new guy is kind of obnoxious. He plays his stereo really loud so that the thump can be heard downstairs during operating hours - not to mention that he often listens to Abba, The Bee Gees and The Moody Blues! In addition, since we won't let him smoke in the apartment, he often stands outside, near the entrance to the bank. He's very friendly but some of our female customers and employees say he is a bit "overfriendly" sometimes. Not to mention that he leaves a nice little pile of cigarette butts on the ground when he's done. How do you resolve this stressful issue?

The National Lampoon's Vacation Test
Your branch has a drive up canopy with the height clearly marked. Unfortunately a really nice man in a camper decides to drive through, certain that his 15 foot tall camper will clear the 14 foot space. Amazingly, he is wrong. Now your drive up is damaged and might collapse at any time. How do you resolve this stressful issue?

The Mothra Test
Every few years your community gets hit with an infestation of Pandora Moths. These little puppies have a wingspan of two to three inches and are very cute and fuzzy. Okay, most people don't find them cute, but they are certainly fuzzy. And big. They love to hang out in relatively cool spaces - often on the sides of buildings. And there's not just a few of them - they congregate by the hundreds and thousands, covering (and I really am not making this up) whole sides of buildings! The drive up at your branch is largely shielded from the sun and is a popular spot for Pandora Moths to gather. So popular, in fact, that you've had to contract with your janitor to come in every morning, hose them off the wall and scoop their remains into trash bags to haul to the dump. Unfortunately, one morning as the janitor is working on the daily clean up effort, a car zips around the corner of the building - going a bit too fast - and at the last minute sees the janitor working in the drive up lane. The customer hits the brakes to avoid running into the janitor. The water, mixed with all the fuzzy, slimy carcasses of the moths, create a "slick as snot" like mixture, which the braking car hits, causing it to slide into a support post at one corner of the canopy, which then collapses. Fortunately, no one is hurt. How do you resolve this stressful issue?

So, when it comes to REAL stress tests, U.S. Bank has a history of not only surviving them but flourishing even in the most difficult of circumstances. We're the bomb baby! Which reminds me of another story . . .

Still Traitors After All These Years

Any company or individual charged with providing logistical and materiel support to the men and women of our armed forces, and who fails to do so, or who overbills, accepts bribes, bills for unallowable costs and then makes billions and billions of dollars at taxpayer expense, should be tried for treason and, if convicted, sentenced to life imprisonment in Abu Gharib. And the same should be true for any bureaucrats, Representatives, Senators or members of the executive branch who didn't stop them.

Or maybe we should just whine a little, look the other way and wait for everything to blow over. That's been working pretty well so far. For KBR anyway.

Maybe It's Not Just "Simulated" Drowning

Although I can't say I'm surprised, I guess I wasn't paying attention because it wasn't until today that I first heard that people have actually died as a result of some of the interrogation techniques we've been using in the War Against Terror. It is important to note that these techniques do not constitute torture because as we all know, America doesn't torture. Nevertheless, our interviews must be pretty intense because according to Joseph Sifton of Human Rights Watch, something like 100 detainees have died during interrogations!

A simple fact is being overlooked in the Bush-era torture scandal: the number of cases in which detainees have been tortured to death. Abuse did not only involve the high-profile cases of smashing detainees into plywood barriers (“walling”), confinement in coffin-like boxes with insects, sleep deprivation, cold, and waterboarding. To date approximately 100 detainees, including CIA-held detainees, have died during U.S. interrogations, and some are known to have been tortured to death.

It'll be interesting to hear how Dick Cheney addresses this. Sure, he'll deny the validity of the report and question the integrity of the Human Rights Watch folks, but my guess is that he'll also mention that if you're gonna break a few eggs when you make an omlette.

My Favorite Things

When I was in the 8th grade I was in the Portland Civic Theater production of the Sound of Music. To this day I'm convinced that out of the tons of kids who auditioned, the only reasons I made it in were 1) At 13 I was one of the few boys who could still sing a soprano part and 2) my middle school music teacher, Miss Baker, was the musical director for the show. In any event, seeing this amazing video brought back some pretty great memories.

Putting The Hype In Hyperbole

So, as you probably long ago figured out, I tend to be a little bit cynical. I don’t believe everything I hear. It might have something to do with having a father who has bought into more than a few conspiracy theories, but, for whatever reason, I’m pretty skeptical about most things.

What bugs me most is how quickly things get blown out of proportion. Government agencies (in my humble opinion) overreact. News organizations (in my humble opinion) over-report. And then the rumors start flying. Just take a look at the traffic on Twitter this past week! Everyone becomes Chicken Little!

Let me give you a few examples:

“If you don’t have to go out, stay at home!”Every time there is a bit of snow on the ground the Portland TV stations go on full “end of the world” coverage and repeat that phrase over and over.

“We can’t let big banks fail!” And what’s the worst that would happen if they did fail? Would we have to pour trillions of dollars into the economy to save us from financial ruin? Oh wait, we did that anyway!

“This Blazer team is a heckuva lot like the World Champion team back in 1977.”Yeah, uh, except for not making it past the first round . . .

“Waterboarding is not torture!”You mean except for the screaming and panic and the water filling the lungs thing.

“If we don’t (insert your choice of phrase here), the terrorists will have won!”Oddly enough, in spite of our best efforts to keep them as ticked off as possible, they still have not won. And if you think they did, what was the final score, anyway?

I had all that in mind a week ago, when I first heard about the swine flu outbreak in Mexico. I thought, “Sure, this is tragic for the families who lost loved ones and tough on those who have been pretty dang sick, but an epidemic? Really?”

In Mexico lots of people are staying at home. Kids not going to school. No one in church last Sunday. Even more shocking, no one at Plaza Mexico, the country’s premier bull fighting ring. (And the first and last place I will ever watch a bull fight. Yeesh!)

In Egypt all the pigs are headed to the slaughterhouse. Everyone I have ever met from the Middle East has struck me as extremely intelligent, but unless their relationships with pigs are a bit more unusual than I imagine, I’m thinking they may be overreacting just a tad.

In the U.S. schools are closed and being sanitized. (As if the bleach ain’t gonna make ‘em all sicker). And, of course, there are thousands and thousands of people in hospitals across the nation hanging on for their very lives! Oh wait. How many? 109? And the majority of them are recovering at home? Hmmm . . .

According to the World Health Organization, yesterday the number of confirmed swine flu cases around the world climbed to 236, a day after they warned that swine flu was threatening to bloom into a pandemic and notched up their alert status to the second highest level.

What is the difference between an epidemic and a pandemic anyway? The textbook definition of “Epidemic” is: a sudden outbreak of a virus that is spreading rapidly and affecting many people at the same time. A “Pandemic” is: an epidemic (a sudden outbreak) that becomes very widespread and affects a whole region, a continent or (cue dramatic music here) The World!

So, let’s see, the current world population stands at just under 6,777,000,000 and a whopping 236 people have the swine flu? That doesn’t seem like much of an epidemic, let alone a full blown (cue dramatic music here) World Wide Pandemic! That means I have a 1 in 28,716,102 chance of having the swine flu? I’ll take those odds any day! I’m breathing easy! No face masks for me! Woo hoo!

Okay, I take it a bit more seriously than that – and I really don’t think the WHO or CDC are just a bunch of Chicken Littles. I understand that this is a new strain of flu virus, and that few people, if any, have resistance to it AND that it’s managed to find its way to more than one continent.

So, I’m thinking about making a few changes. Whaddya think about these?

* I know I should quit coughing on the salad bar at Izzy’s.
* I know I should quit licking the keyboards on other people’s workstations when they’re not looking.
* I know I should wash my hands with soap & water instead of just of just wiping ‘em on my pants.
* I know I should be using anti-bacterial sanitizers even though they lead to resistance in bacteria (though viruses are the issue at hand) but it just tastes so bad and burns my throat! Blecch!

One of my favorite books / movies is The World According to Garp. There is a scene in it that I just love. Garp (played by Robin Williams) and his wife have just walked through a home they’re interested in buying. They are standing outside with the realtor when they hear the low hum of a small airplane. They look up just in time to see it crash into the second story of the house. The pilot gets out of the plane, says he’s okay and at that point, Garp turns to the realtor and says: “We’ll take it! What are the odds that anything like that is ever gonna happen to this house ever again? It’s disaster proof!”

That’s how I feel about a lot of things in life. What are the odds I will get gunned down in a drive by shooting? Or mugged in New York? Or hit by lightning? Or get struck down by the swine flu? As of now, it’s 1 in 28,716,102.

In the meantime, here’s what I suggest for the rest of you: It’s the swine flu! Everybody panic! Run for your lives!