Iran So Far

It's not quite as funny (or obscene) as "Junk" in a Box but Andy Samberg's latest SNL Digital Short is an instant classic. Not to spoil anything but its Andy Samberg singing a love song to Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, played with bearded brilliance by Fred Armisen, and featuring Maroon 5's Adam Levine plus a cameo from . . . well, I don't wanna give it all away. Check it out!

Interview of the Year

It's no secret that I love David Letterman. In fact, I love him so much that I want to take him out behind the middle school and get him pregnant. (A gratuitous nod to Tracy Morgan and Jerm.) Not only is he funny but he's a better interviewer than he gets credit for. Case in point: Last Friday's interview with Paris Hilton.

I Bought Ten

Extreme Makeover: Bible Edition

A.J. Jacobs, the guy who wrote The Know It All after spending a year reading through the Encyclopedia Britannica, has spent another year doing something even more challenging: trying to follow every rule in the Bible!

The result is his new book, The Year of Living Biblically. I can't imagine how difficult this would be but after reading this article from Newsweek, I have a better idea. Check it out, if for no other reason, than to see how his beard grew over the course of the year!

Scared of the Dark? This Might Help - OR Make It Worse!

What kid wouldn't want a night light with the face of the Son of God in it? Especially if the face follows you no matter where you move in the room. I dunno, it just seems kinda creepy to me. However, it doesn't really matter because this fine product is no longer available. Try to contain your disappointment. Check it out here . . .

I Think It Smells Like Dirt!

I like wine but all the subtleties are completely lost on me. I have never been able to identify all the "hints" and "notes" that oenophiles like to wax poetic about. On the other hand, I'm a guy who knows a good beer when he tastes one.

It turns out that wine connoisseurs are probably just making it all up anyway. My son, Jake, sent me this article at Telegraph.co.uk says,

Now there is scientific evidence to suggest that wine buffs may just be talking rubbish, or at least that they greatly overestimate their own ability to pin down a wine's particular aroma.

So, as a public service to my readers, (all one of you) let me break this down just a bit further . . .

Wine snobs = Don't know what they're talking about so they just bullshit their way through things. ("Mmmm, a hint of citrus with almost an oak-like aroma mixed with a bit of vanilla and maybe a snippet of that meteorite that came down in Peru and made everyone throw up.")

Beer snobs = Know what they're talking about cuz they can keep it simple ("Boy, that's hoppy!" or "I love the cool foam on a pint of Guinness" or "Crap all that beer went right through me. I gotta pee.")

You can thank me later . . .

Maybe It's Just Me . . .

. . . but does it seem to you that we shouldn't be surprised that the Iraqi government hasn't hit all the benchmarks we set for them? And after all we've done for them!

For example, we invaded their country, took down their government (not that Sadaam didn't deserve to be toppled), destroyed a fair amount of their infrastructure and killed lots of their people and then said, "by the way, here's a list of stuff we'd like you to take care of please."

How blind is Congress to not recognize that we haven't provided a lot of motivation to Iraqi leaders to make our "wish list" their priority. Regardless of how you feel about the war, no one should be surprised that our pompous, condescending attitude toward the rest of the world may have something to do with why they don't like us very much.

But maybe it's just me . . .

The Funeral Planner

I have the greatest children in the history of mankind! That's why they (led by Elizabeth) are making me do some advanced planning for my funeral. That's right, they care so much about me that they can't wait for me to die. It sounds a little sick but it's a good idea. And, all in all, it was kinda fun to do. So, I thought I'd share some of it with you - edited for reasons only they may be able to figure out . . .

What To Do With Your Remains…
• Do you wanted to be cremated or buried? Cremated
• If cremated, do you want your ashes spread or to be put in a niche? Spread
• If spread, where? Choice #1: The Old City of Jerusalem. Choice #2: Pilot Butte.
• What kind of urn do you want? I know it’s morbid to think of, but a plastic container or a Precious moment’s statue? These are the choices you leave to your children. If I have to have an urn then I guess pick whatever you like. I’d go with the cheapest. Or a beer bottle, if they’ll let you. (See below)
• What kind of box do you want to be cremated in? There’s a $100 cardboard box, or the $1000 wooden box. We never see it, and they both go through the crematorium with you. I have to have a box AND an urn? Geez, cardboard, I guess.

What To Do For The Memorial Service…
• Do you want your urn or coffin at the service? Not unless you want to. Just for fun, you could put out a 22 oz beer bottle – A Deschutes Brewery beer probably – and put my ashes in that, or, if that’s too weird, just put some sand in it.
• Any special music you’d like? I have a ton of music I would want played before and after the service, as people are coming in and going out. Here’s my list:
Money for Nothing – Dire Straits
Why Should the Devil Get All the Good Music – Larry Norman or Randy Stonehill
If I Had Possession Over Judgment Day – Eric Clapton
Gotta Serve Somebody – Bob Dylan
In The House – Jurassic 5
Jesus Is Just All Right – Robert Randolph and Eric Clapton
Friends In Low Places (The Live Version) – Garth Brooks
Spirit In The Sky – Norman Greenbaum or Blind Boys of Alabama
Stomp – Kirk Franklin
Ruby Baby – Donald Fagen
Time Out Of Mind – Steely Dan
When Love Comes to Town – Herbie Hancock, Johnny Lang, Joss Stone.
The Walk – Steven Curtis Chapman
I Will Not Go Quietly - Steven Curtis Chapman
Sweet Jesus – Gary Chapman

The Obituary…
• Besides your children and your career, are there any highlights or specific things you’d like to have included? If you’ve got the nerve, how about throwing in some kind of totally untrue “fact” just to see if we can get away with it. You know, something like, “Is survived by his second wife, Amanda Peet” or maybe “Once played second base for the Seattle Mariners farm team, the Tacoma Rainiers” or “Enjoyed a short career as a stand-up comic; once opening for The Doobie Brothers.” Plus, you could add that epitaph would have read, “Thanks for coming. Good night and drive safely” but he decided to be cremated instead.

For those of you unable to attend my memorial service (you lazy bastards), I hope this helps you in your grieving.

More Evidence That God Wants Us To Be Happy!

I'm gonna let this article from BBC News speak for itself:

The old advertising slogan "Guinness is Good for You" may be true after all, according to researchers.

A pint of the black stuff a day may work as well as an aspirin to prevent heart clots that raise the risk of heart attacks.

I'm ditching the aspirin . . .

Not That I Am - But It Does Make You Think!

Shut The Hell Up!

You gotta love street preachers! Having the courage of their convictions to boldly preach in places that don't wanna have anything to do with them. Throughout my college years they would come about once or twice a year to the Oregon State University Campus in Corvallis. It was always kinda fun to listen to them discuss, er, argue, er, exchange verbal blows with those who didn't believe what they were preaching - or just didn't like how they were doing it.

According to the article, "Loud Enough To Raise The Dead" at SFGate.com, it sounds like residents of Berkeley, CA, object to not only the preaching but also the sound systems they use to ensure there message is not missed!

I can sympathize with local residents and businesses who don't like the loud and confrontational approach these guys take. I certainly wouldn't wanna live on their street but I'd take these guys any day over Benny Hinn, Paul Crouch, Joyce Meyer or any number of loud-mouthed, God-embarrasing televangelists.

And besides, you can't stop the Word of God, baby!

(Thanks for the link Jake!)

Stat Geek

I ran across a web site called World Clock today. It's a pretty cool snapshot of a slug of things happening in the world. Other than that, I don't wanna spoil it so check it out for yourself.

Dog Day Morning After

For those of you thinking about getting a dog, here's a couple of tidbits of information that are worth considering . . .

Expense
I spend an average of $200 a month on Rudy! This includes an average of $175 per month for boarding. I may have had a couple of long trips this year (New York in January and a cross country road trip to DC in August) but any time you leave - even overnight - you have to leave your dog somewhere. It's amazing how quickly it adds up!

Exercise
My biggest downfall is in not providing Rudy with all the exercise she needs. I should take her out every day for a good long walk or a run. If I get out with her three times a week I feel like I've had a small victory!

Excitement
Rudy loves every moment I spend with her. No matter how long I'm gone - all day or for just an hour - she greets me as if I were her best friend returning from a year in Iraq. When I get home from work, we always have to play on the bed for 10 minutes or so. And usually one or two other times in the evening - and several times a day on weekends. But there's also plenty of times (like now) where she seems pretty content to just be sleeping on the floor next to me.

Excrement
Gotta clean it up. It never ends. It just keeps coming. 'Nuff said.

Threat Alert Jesus

For all of you Christian, Republican, Bush supporters out there (and who isn't - oh wait - Me!) this is the perfect gift. And it's probably just what you think it is!

Dog Day Afternoon

So, I get home from work late yesterday afternoon and I decide that I'll do some grocery shopping. Rudy, my Lab/Retriever mix, loves to go anywhere with me, even if she has to stay in the car when we get there. So, I took her with me.

I decided to stop at a local school where Rudy can run around on the field and get some exercise. (And yes, I always clean up her poop.) She loves this particular school because there are usually birds on the field that she can chase around. As usual, she raced after them for several minutes. Once all the birds had been run off the field, she looked for something else to do. And then she found it . . .

A huge puddle on the south side of the field. Not really a puddle so much as a mud bath. Usually she just runs through puddles but this time she stopped to dig and then ROLL AROUND IN IT! I felt like the helpless guy in movies who watches as his girlfriend is kidnapped or gunned down and he can't get to her in time. All I could do is scream, "Noooooooooooooo!"

Not that it stopped her, of course. She got up out of the mud, just as I got to her and (you guessed it) she began to shake off all the mud and water that her coat had accumulated. I've never seen her look dirtier!

And did I have a towel in my car? Of course not! So, when we got to the car I got her to jump in the back. Of course, she immediately jumped over the seat and got into the front street.

As I started to drive away I was in no mood to go to the store any more. I was in no mood to be a dog owner any more! So, we headed to a local "dog wash" that thankfully was still open. I gave her the bath of her life.

By the time we were done I had pretty much forgiven her for radically changing my original plans. And then we got to the car, where all the mud had dried and, holy crap, it was everywhere. I lectured Rudy about her hygiene and respecting the property of others. She pretended not to understand me but she was very affectionate!

We ended up going to the store anyway and eventually made it home and unloaded the car.

Now it's Saturday afternoon, and I've decided I ain't gonna look at my car until Monday. Or maybe I'll just sell it . . .

Maybe It's Just Me . . .

. . . but when a politician, celebrity, sports figure or church leader says, "I take full responsibility for my actions" I think what they really mean is, "I am admitting to absolutely nothing and will argue ever single point you raise to defend my 'honor.'"

I'll go to my grave thinking that if any of these folks would just once say, "Yep. I did it. Everything you've heard is true. I was an idiot!" the positive reaction would be so overwhelming they'd probably not only save their jobs but would become the most respected individuals in the country.

Larry Craig though, not so much . . .

Then again, maybe it's just me . . .