From the President's "stand-up routine" at Saturday's White House Correspondent's Dinner:
1. On his approval ratings: "It's been quite a year since I've spoken here last. Lots of ups, lots of downs, except for my approval ratings, which have just gone down. But that's politics, it doesn't bother me. Besides, I happen to know that my approval ratings are still very high in the country of my birth."
2. On Jay Leno: "Though I am glad that the only person whose ratings fell more than mine last year is here tonight. Great to see you Jay. I'm also glad that I'm speaking first. We've all seen what happens when somebody takes the time slot after Leno's."
3. On the Jonas Brothers: "The Jonas Brothers are here, they're out there somewhere. Sasha and Malia are huge fans, but boys, don't get any ideas. Two words for you: predator drones. You will never see it coming. You think I'm joking?"