Friday, February 12, 2010

I'm Not A Believer

Last week I rambled on about some things I believe. This week I thought I’d go the other direction. Here are a few things I DON’T believe . . .

* I don’t believe light beer is worth drinking. If that’s your best choice, go with water.

* I don’t believe we are alone in the universe

* I don’t believe anything is as addicting as Kentucky Fried Chicken.

* I don’t believe I really should have admitted that.

* I don’t believe battery operated dogs are really dogs at all.

* I don’t believe the NBA is worth watching.

* I don’t believe the world will end if terrorists are tried in the United States.

* I don’t believe I would make it to the end of Survivor without A) dying or B) getting kicked off because others would see me as a threat because of my superior game-play.

* I don’t believe I would make it to the end of The Amazing Race without A) dying or B) getting beat out in that final run to the check point at each leg of the race.

* I don’t believe redistributing the wealth is a bad thing. Well, maybe that’s not quite right. I don’t think we should take money away from those who have it, to give it to people who don’t but I think the rules (tax laws, mostly) should be changed so they don’t favor the “haves” more than the “have nots.”

* I don’t believe Alaska and Hawaii should have been granted statehood. It’s not that I don’t like them but, hey, they ain’t contiguous! And what’s wrong with having just 48 states anyway?

* I don’t believe I will ever understand the stock market.

* I don’t believe in Yetis or Sasquatches. (Sasquatchi?)

* I don’t believe Elvis is still alive.

* I don’t believe it when people say they went to Vegas and “broke even.” They are always lying just to make themselves feel better.

* I don’t believe Stairway to Heaven is a great song. Or even a good song.

* I don’t believe Knights in White Satin even qualifies as music.

* I don’t believe Steely Dan has ever made a bad album

* I don’t believe Clint Eastwood could make a really awful movie, even if he tried.

* I don’t believe that attending church every Sunday is the best way to get to know God.

* I don’t believe exercise is worth all the pain and suffering. (Obviously!)

* I don’t believe how messed up families can get.

* I don’t believe anyone is fully sane or fully crazy. We’re all along the continuum somewhere.

* I don’t believe eating seaweed will ever seem like a good idea to me but eating sushi always will.

* I don’t believe curling should be a sport OR that it makes any sense at all. That doesn’t mean I don’t love watching it.

* I don’t believe any sport is weirder than the biathlon. Skiing and shooting. Who came up with that idea?

* I don’t believe I was correct that no sport is weirder than the biathlon, because I just remembered “noodling.” Noodling is that weird method of catching catfish where you dive down in the water, shove your arm down the enormous throat of a catfish and wrestle it to the surface. That is the weirdest sport. Ever. Period. The End. Amen.

* I don’t believe I will ever look good with my shirt off.

* I don’t believe that even once in my life two women have ever looked at me, turned to each other and said, “He’s hot.”

* I don’t believe that future ex-wives, Erin Andrews, Evangeline Lilly, Amanda Peet, Lauren Graham or Diane Lane will ever even look at me, let alone say, “He’s hot.”

* I don’t believe I really care.

* I don’t believe Mother Teresa was perfect. I am almost certain she had a gambling addiction.

* I don’t believe I have any basis for saying that Mother Teresa had a gambling addiction.

* I don’t believe Star Trek is as good as Star Wars

* I don’t believe that when people say they “don’t believe in” something, that’s really what they mean to say. For example, to say, “I don’t believe in marriage” strictly speaking means that you don’t believe it exists – but marriage definitely exists. What you really mean to say is something like “I don’t believe marriage is worthwhile because eventually two people grow apart and then one of them decides to bail on the other and from that point it just gets really messy so the whole thing is just a waste of time.” (This bitter editorial comment brought to you by someone who believes marriage is the relationship equivalent of Chantix. Chantix: When you want to stop smoking but still want to do something that will probably kill you.)

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