Friday, October 9, 2009

Viewer Mail

I’m heading out tomorrow for a weeklong “personal stimulus recovery program.” Well, actually it may be more like an “oblication.” (See the newsletter for the definitions.) In plainer English, I am taking next week off to head to Salt Lake City with my Mom! She has two sisters who live there that we’ll be staying with. They are a blast and I always have a good time hanging out with these three blue-haired ladies cuz they are so dang funny! I’m sure I’ll have a few stories to share when I return! Plus, I will get to see a couple of friends while I’m there as well! All the way around, it should be a pretty groovy week. The benefit for all of you is that you get a week off from all the annoying crap I send your way!

Today, however, I thought I might take time to answer a few questions that have come my way. Kind of a Viewer Mail / Letters to the Editor thing . . .

Q. Where do you find your inspiration each week (favorite writer? wealth of knowledge you pull from? bathroom book?) to keep us all entertained with your daily updates with our stocks, and the newsletter.
A. My “inspiration,” if you can call it that, usually comes through theft and plagiarism. Because I have no life, I read and watch a lot of stuff and have developed a habit of making notes of things I think are funny. (Your mileage may vary.) I have no problem recycling those things into stuff I write and while I generally try to give credit where credit is due, I probably don’t do that as consistently as I should. This is especially true with some of the phrases I seem to use again and again. For example:

* Thanks for coming. Good night and drive safely. Although Sandy and I had a lengthy discussion about whether this came from Dave Garroway on the original Today Show OR maybe Arthur Godfrey, I’m pretty sure I first heard it from David Letterman.

* If you’re like me and I know you’re glad you’re not – Definitely David Letterman

* Holy crap! That’s just me (although I’m convinced that Peter Whatshisname who played Ray Romano’s Dad on Everybody Hates Raymond stole it from me.)

* As a condition of my parole – my old friend Ed Burke

* But I don’t know nuthin’ bout birthin’ no babies – Gone with the Wind via someone I worked with back at the bank who would say this whenever she knew the answer to some operations question.

* Your mileage may vary – Dave Barry – the funniest writer in the world.

* May not be used without the express written consent of Major League Baseball – Uh, Major League Baseball, of course, although this is their OLD disclaimer. Now they say something like “may not be reproduced or rebroadcast without involving a lot of attorneys in ridiculous lawsuits.” Or something like that.

* Okay, sports fans! – George Carlin

* Your Momma Don’t Dance and Your Daddy Don’t Rock and Roll – Loggins & Messina

* It’s only a matter of time – Shawn Crawford (in reference to his wife, Lori)

Q. Have you ever thought to go public?
A. Yes, I have thought to “go public” but I think state law prohibits it. Okay, well, I’ve only gone public in the sense that I write this stuff for people at the bank and I also post stuff to this blog I have. That's all the outlet I need. For now.

Q. Are you depressed? Should we be worried about you?
A. My coworkers ask me this every once in a while, maybe because I kinda hole up in my office to work. Or to pretend to work, anyway. While they usually act as if they don't care if I live or die, my best guess is that they ask because they'll be gunning for my job in the event of my untimely demise. Okay, that’s not really true and it’s nice that they care about me. To answer the question, I’m not someone who is depressed very often. I can usually see the lighter side of things in any situation. Even death can be funny! (Divorce, I’m not so sure about though.) I don’t get down very often BUT I am a real live, over the top, hardcore INFJ introvert and am pretty happy being on my own. At work. At home. Wherever. So just leave me alone, okay?

Q. Who are the four main stars of Leave It To Beaver?
A. Hugh Beaumont as Ward Cleaver. Barbara Billingsley as June Cleaver. Tony Dow as Wally Cleaver. And Jerry Mathers as The Beaver. (And just to take my nerdiness one step further – Ken Osmond as Eddie Haskell.)

And with that, I think I’ll be done for a week or so. See you when I get back. Or annoy you anyway . . .

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