Sunday, September 16, 2007

The Funeral Planner

I have the greatest children in the history of mankind! That's why they (led by Elizabeth) are making me do some advanced planning for my funeral. That's right, they care so much about me that they can't wait for me to die. It sounds a little sick but it's a good idea. And, all in all, it was kinda fun to do. So, I thought I'd share some of it with you - edited for reasons only they may be able to figure out . . .

What To Do With Your Remains…
• Do you wanted to be cremated or buried? Cremated
• If cremated, do you want your ashes spread or to be put in a niche? Spread
• If spread, where? Choice #1: The Old City of Jerusalem. Choice #2: Pilot Butte.
• What kind of urn do you want? I know it’s morbid to think of, but a plastic container or a Precious moment’s statue? These are the choices you leave to your children. If I have to have an urn then I guess pick whatever you like. I’d go with the cheapest. Or a beer bottle, if they’ll let you. (See below)
• What kind of box do you want to be cremated in? There’s a $100 cardboard box, or the $1000 wooden box. We never see it, and they both go through the crematorium with you. I have to have a box AND an urn? Geez, cardboard, I guess.

What To Do For The Memorial Service…
• Do you want your urn or coffin at the service? Not unless you want to. Just for fun, you could put out a 22 oz beer bottle – A Deschutes Brewery beer probably – and put my ashes in that, or, if that’s too weird, just put some sand in it.
• Any special music you’d like? I have a ton of music I would want played before and after the service, as people are coming in and going out. Here’s my list:
Money for Nothing – Dire Straits
Why Should the Devil Get All the Good Music – Larry Norman or Randy Stonehill
If I Had Possession Over Judgment Day – Eric Clapton
Gotta Serve Somebody – Bob Dylan
In The House – Jurassic 5
Jesus Is Just All Right – Robert Randolph and Eric Clapton
Friends In Low Places (The Live Version) – Garth Brooks
Spirit In The Sky – Norman Greenbaum or Blind Boys of Alabama
Stomp – Kirk Franklin
Ruby Baby – Donald Fagen
Time Out Of Mind – Steely Dan
When Love Comes to Town – Herbie Hancock, Johnny Lang, Joss Stone.
The Walk – Steven Curtis Chapman
I Will Not Go Quietly - Steven Curtis Chapman
Sweet Jesus – Gary Chapman

The Obituary…
• Besides your children and your career, are there any highlights or specific things you’d like to have included? If you’ve got the nerve, how about throwing in some kind of totally untrue “fact” just to see if we can get away with it. You know, something like, “Is survived by his second wife, Amanda Peet” or maybe “Once played second base for the Seattle Mariners farm team, the Tacoma Rainiers” or “Enjoyed a short career as a stand-up comic; once opening for The Doobie Brothers.” Plus, you could add that epitaph would have read, “Thanks for coming. Good night and drive safely” but he decided to be cremated instead.

For those of you unable to attend my memorial service (you lazy bastards), I hope this helps you in your grieving.


Anonymous said...

ALRIGHT! We didn't just come up with that out of no father in law died and it made us start thinking about it. This isn't our plot to kill you. Mom's maybe, but not ours...

Heather McD said...

At least it's reasonable stuff they're asking. When I was a kid the only thing I wanted to know is if my mom would leave her shoes to me. Her response?

"No Heather, you cannot have my shoes. And to make sure you don't get them, I am requesting that they be buried with me. And if one gets left out of the casket, I will haunt your ass until you put it back."