Friday, October 31, 2008

Election Night Predictions!

So, while all of you may be excited that today is Halloween, I am excited because the election is only four days away! Being the political geek that I am, my plan is to take next Wednesday off to watch all the post election coverage and analysis. Really. I know this is just more evidence of the pathetic nature of my existence but to really prove my point, I thought I would give you a peek into how I expect Tuesday and Wednesday will unfold for me . . .

7:00 AM: My alarm goes off but I don't get out of bed cuz I want to hear the election results from Dixville Notch, NH - where the polls open at midnight and the results are tabulated and released right after everyone in the town votes.
8:30 AM to 10:00 AM (give or take an hour or two): I make it to work and immediately try to find the radio station with the best election coverage. Plus, I also have a small, handheld TV with a two inch screen that I will spend way too much time trying to get tuned into some station with election updates.
3:00 PM: After pretending to work for a few hours, I just about have a nervous breakdown cuz I can't get decent news updates from my radio or TV.
4:00 PM: The first polls close and I can't take it any more. I give up and go home early.
4:05 PM: Because I live only a mile from work I can make it home in just a few minutes if I run to my car (something a fat guy should never do) race down 8th Street at roughly 45 MPH and run upstairs to my apartment, dive for the remote and turn on the TV to CNN.
4:06 PM: Pour myself a beer and collapse in recliner with mild shooting pains going down my left arm.
4:07 PM: John King moves his fingers so fast on that crazy 104 inch magic screen thingy he plays with on CNN, that I start to get nauseous.
4:30 PM: Switch to MSNBC. Keith Olbermann calls McCain a nut case. Begins frothing at the mouth.
4:45 PM: Switch quickly to Fox News. Get nauseous again. Switch back to CNN.
5:03 PM: The majority of east coast polls close. Networks start projecting winners. Obama gets pretty much all of the northeast but McCain gets a lot of the southern states, including Georgia and South Carolina. Florida voters seen leaving polling places with chads hanging off their clothing.
5:30 PM: CNN projects Obama will win Virginia and McCain will win West Virginia. East Virginia is still up for grabs. Fox projects McCain will sweep all 50 states.
6:00 PM: Polls close in the Central Time Zone. Obama begins to rack up the electoral votes. CNN makes the startling announcement that John King has been rushed to the hospital with vertigo.
7:00 PM: Polls close in the Mountain Time Zone. Brigham Young wins Utah with surprisingly strong write in vote. Colorado goes for Obama. Arizona too close to call.
8:00 PM: Polls close on the west coast. Obama immediately projected the winner in Oregon, Washington and California.
8:02 PM: All networks but Fox project Obama the winner with something over 300 electoral votes. He will face Hilary Clinton in the run-off election. Fox News claims voter fraud in all markets where their broadcasts are not available.
9:00 PM: McCain sorta concedes but also says that in typical maverick style, he will always consider himself the real President.
9:45 PM: Obama gives short victory speech. Fist bumps Michelle repeatedly. Declares daughters Malia and Sasha will jointly service as Secretaries of Education. Increase in recess time expected.
10:00 PM: The ghost of Tim Russert appears on MSNBC. Brings out white board to discuss some crazy strategy that might still allow McCain to win. It seems to hinge on the success of the Buffalo Bills.
11:00 PM: Local news comes on and says the Smith / Merkley Senate fight is too close to call. Rick Dancer shows up at KEZI asking for his old job back.
11:15 PM: While I am grateful that Depends work as advertised, beer eventually takes its toll on their absorbability. (Is that even a real word?)
11:25 PM: Bill Sizemore makes a statement that he is disappointed not all of his ballot measures were approved by voters. Says he will use donations to buy himself a new car to console himself.

12:01 AM: News networks shift to their "B" teams. Rick Sanchez at CNN says he is too tired to talk and will spend the time just posting comments to his Facebook page.
12:30 AM: I first begin to think that maybe I should go to bed but am unable to break away from watching my future ex-wife, Rachel Madow on MSNBC. (Later find out this may not work out like I expect.)
1:15 AM: Head begins nodding. I think I hear that polls in Hawaii have closed but no one voted cuz the winner had been declared hours before.
2:02 AM: I wake with a start when I hear that Alaska has decided to secede from the union unless John McCain and my other future ex-wife, Sarah Palin are declared the real winners.
2:45 AM: I decide it's finally time to go to bed. Turn on NPR to lullaby me to sleep.
9:00 AM: Wake up and immediately jump out of bed and turn on the TV. John McCain has apparently proposed to Sarah Palin. I vow to fight him to the death.
10:00 AM: Obama shows up unexpectedly at the White House. Asks to speak with the President. Expresses surprise when Bush shows up instead of Cheney.
11:00 AM: Analysts start speculating on what an Obama presidency will look like. Fox News speculates Obama will replace "Hail to the Chief" with "Signed, Sealed, Delivered."
11:15 AM: BREAKING NEWS - Obama asks Bush and Cheney to move out early so he can get started with remodeling.
11:30 AM: My other future ex-wife, Campbell Brown, announces that John King has been released from the hospital but apparently will never be able to use the 104 inch magic touch screen thingy ever again.
Somewhere Around Noon: I sense depression setting in as I realize the election is over. Fearing I may have nothing to live for, I decide to join my son's fantasy basketball league after all.
1:37 PM: Out of the blue, I break out in uncontrollable tears. (See above)
2:15 PM: Crying subsides as I hear that Sarah Palin has rejected John McCain's proposal of marriage!
3:00 PM: Polls close in Guam.
4:15 PM: Moving trucks back up to White House. Cheney breaks out shotgun.
7:00 PM: I decide to eat for first time in 36 hours. Depends are no longer as comfortable as I had previously thought.
7:45 PM: Future ex-wife, Sarah Palin, declares herself a candidate for President in 2012.
7:46 PM: Other future ex-wife, Tina Fey announces she is financially set for life.
10:00 PM: President-Elect Obama and family said to be resting comfortably in family quarters of the White House.
10:15 PM: With exhaustion - and diaper rash - setting in, I decide to call it a night and head to bed. Rudy shakes her head and I swear I hear her mumble something that sounds suspiciously like "idiot" but I can't be sure because I have NPR on in the background.

Okay, there you have it. My predictions on the election and my pitiful life. If you read this far, well, I think that makes you almost as pathetic as me. Regardless: don't forget to vote!

1 comment:

Beth said...

I think I might be even more pathetic, because I'm hoping it will go down just as you predict!! It will make it all the more entertaining, in the meantime, I'm actually going to share your predictions with others who are as pathetic as both of us!

Good luck with that rash....