Faith: The Final Frontier

Top Ten Memories of My Trip To Israel

2011-11-25T14:04:00.001-08:00

10. The satisfaction in knowing we got to Jerusalem just in time for the big 50% off sale. "Big sale! Big sale!"

9. The almost impossible choice we faced each day: Falafel or Shwarma?

8.. The confusion in knowing Israelis have developed a fence that can sense where and when a bird lands on it but do not possess the technology to make a decent napkin.

7. Not that I wanna harp on this but the napkins are the size of a post it note and the wash cloths are the size of a football field.

6. The enormous and, dare I say, out of control, feral cat population.

5. Drinking a beer while on a church trip and almost getting away with having it charged to the pastor's room.

4. Dancing the Hava Nagila without creating an international incident by putting out our tour guide's eye.

3. Carrying around 300 pounds of change but never having enough to actually pay for anything.

2. Visiting Qumran and then wondering about the sexual preference of the Essenes - a sect of deeply religious men who wrote the Dead Sea Scrolls and spent a lot of time in ritual baths. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

And my Number One memory of my trip to Israel . . .

Never once getting lost while wandering around the Old City. Okay, that's a lie. ALWAYS getting lost while wandering around the Old City - but going back every day for more.

Israel - Day Six

2011-11-23T11:59:00.001-08:00

Gonna make this one shorter . . .

We hit the road at 8:00 AM and headed straight to the Mount of Olives - along with all the rest of the tourists in Jerusalem. The view from our starting point looks out over the old city and is pretty spectacular with the early sun on the golden Dome of the Rock. Beyond that we visited the Garden of Gethsemane and a few related churches along the way.

Then we went into the Old City and visited an archaeological park at the southern end of the Temple Mount. This is the spot where anyone visiting the temple would have come to enter the Temple Mount. it's one spot where we can be certain Jesus would have walked.

From there it was a trip to the outskirts of Jerusalem to visit Yad Vashem, Israel's memorial to the millions of Jews killed in the Holocost. It features the stories and artifacts of hose who went through it. Very powerful.

We headed back into the city to visit he City of David which is essentially the Jerusalem of David's time. This is a very controversial dig in East Jerusalem. It's controversial because Israeli's are literally digging in Palestinians back yards.

The purpose of our visit was to walk the 1,750 length of Hezekiah's Tunnel. This tunnel was dug to secretly bring water from the Gihon spring, the only source of water for the city, to the pool of Siloam on the other side of town. It guaranteed the Residents would continue to have water if their city was attacked. A pretty impressive engineering feat for its day.

We climbed down into a cavern and stepped into the entrance. The water quickly crept to our knees and then our thighs. After a few hundred feet it was only ankle deep. The tunnel is pitch dark but most of us had flashlights. It took less than half an hour but was very cool and Indiana Jones like.

After dinner A few of us made the trek to the Old City to see the Western Wall at night. It is very cool to see things at night. Shops are closed. It is dimly lit and feels even more like another world.

The Western Wall is always cool with lots of Orthodox men bobbing their heads as they pray. There is also a covered area just north of that section do the wall where even more men gather to talk and pray. We wandered into that space as well.

Our trip to and from the Old City resulted in us getting lost several times but that's all part of he fun.

Feral cat count: 13

Israel - Day Five

2011-11-22T09:50:00.001-08:00

We didn't have a wake up call this morning and didn't have to leave the towel until 9:30 AM. Ostensibly that was to give us a chance to go down to the Dead Sea to swim and take in the natural beauty. I spent the time sleeping and finally woke up about 8:20.

Our first stop was Masada, one of seven fortresses built by Herod the Great. It's a pretty impressive feat of engineering.

It's second claim to fame comes through a story told by Josephus, which may or may not be true. When the Romans defeated the Jews and destroyed the temple in 70 AD, a small band of 900 fled to Masada. The fortress, being on top of a mountain was isolated and fairly impregnable. The Romans came after them anyway and spent at least a year plotting how to get at the Jews. They ended up building a ramp to the top of the mountain and then rolled up a battering ram to bust through the walls. According to the story, on the night before the Romans broke through, the ledger of the rebels convinced his people it was better to take their own knives than to let the Romans kill them. So, with the exception of 5 women and 3 children who kinda hid out, they opted for the Jonestown method.

Then we tried to visit the En Gedi Nature Reserve but it was closed due to a flash flood warning. Flash floods are a big deal in the Dead Sea valley. While it doesn't rain much, when it does the water comes rushing down the adjacent hillsides pretty fast and furiously. It is such a freak phenomenon that folks drive down to the Dead Sea to see it. Kinda like driving to the Oregon coast to see a big storm roll in I guess.

We had lunch at nearby restaurant. Chicken leg and thigh, rice, corn, flatbread and a drink. I get to the check stand and she says, "$17 US." good grief! About twice what it seemed worth. On top of that, I handed her a $20 and got the equivalent of about fifty cents in change. Sheesh!

Then it was on to Qumran, the home of the Essenes and the Dead Sea Scrolls. In 1947 a Bedouin shepherd boy chased a sheep along a hillside. When it ran into a cave, he threw a rock in to scare it out. He heard something shatter and went in to check it out. What shattered was an urn that had been in that spot for almost 2,00 years. Inside the urn was a scroll. There were other urns and other scrolls. The boy gathered them up and took them into Bethlehem to see if they we're worth anything. A local shoemaker took a look and, while he was no antiquities expert, he knew enough to realize they were extremely valuable.. He bought the, for a song and eventually became wealthy beyond his wildest dreams.

From there we climbed our way to Jerusalem, going from 1,300 feet below sea level to 2,500 feet above. Along the way we stopped at an overlook to the st. George's Monastery, which looks to be hanging on a cliff in a very steep canyon. Some day I gotta go there.

We checked into our hotel about 5:30 PM and from there the daily battle for Internet access began.

Feral cat count: 6

Israel - Day Four

2011-11-19T10:25:00.001-08:00

Between lack of sleep and 6:00 AM wake-up calls I may die before this trip is over.

The high point of the entire trip may very well have occurred this morning. My friend, Randy Myers, the pastor who organized this trip, asked me If I knew what my room number was. I said, "Yes, 203" to which he replied, "well apparently you charged your beer from last night's meal to my room (204) instead!" He was very gracious about it but, holy crap, I'm getting some good mileage out of having charged a beer to the pastor!

We drove up the east coast of the Sea of Galilee, which was part of Syria before the Six Day War in 1967. We traveled to Bethsaida, a town that Peter, Andrew, James and John were born and raised. More ruins and a couple of good stories.

Then we schlepped over to Kafar Nahum (Capernaum) where tradition holds there to be a home lived in by Simon Peter's mother-in-law. To commemorate this, the Catholic church built a chapel that "floats" over the ruins of the home. ( See below.)

There is also a cool 4th century synagogue built on the foundation of a meeting place dating back to the first century. As always, why build new if you can building top of something already there?

Yardenit is a site on the Jordan River where Christians often come to be baptized while in Israel. It is weird how a place with such significance for many Christians can be so commercially crass. Kinda made more fun by all the fish and nutria trying to share the water!

Lunch was at a nearby place called the Steak Shop but I'll be darned if they had any steak on the menu. They did have shwarma (kinda like falafel but with chicken) so I was in good shape. We ate outdoors but under cover, which was good since the 30 minutes or so we were there it rained hard!

Then it was on to Bet Sean which is easily the most impressive set of ruins on the trip. Although the tel here is the site of a Biblical city of the same name, at the base of the hill are the ruins of the Roman city of Scythopolis. It's huge! Roman baths, toilets, a cardo (I.e shopping mall), amphitheater and temple. It was destroyed in an earthquake in 747 AD as evidenced by the fact that all the columns of the temple, cardo and other areas toppled in the same direction.

From there it's a long drive down the Jordan River to the Dead Sea. Jordan is just a stone's throw away. On the Jordanian side it looks like one long continuous farm with crops and greenhouses stretching on and on and on.

Both sides of the border are fenced off and patrolled heavily, the Israeli side also has a kind of pressure sensitive fence that alerts them anytime something moves against it.

This route also takes us through the West Bank. Maybe it's just me but it seems noticeably poorer here. Lots of shacks and tent like dwellings.

The day ended at the resort hotel, the Leonardo Classic. Before dinner Several of us swam in the spa pool which features heated water from the Dead Sea but with the silt filtered out. Ya still float just the same and the healing properties should be just as effective as ever. In my case that means that I won't need another Botox treatment for months!

Feral cat count: 7

Israel - Day Three

2011-11-19T09:14:00.001-08:00

After another fine breakfast of yogurt and granola (or the local equivalent) we headed out to visit the museum / tourist trap of the "Jesus Boat." it's a 2,000 year old fishing boat that was discovered in 1986 by two brothers. There's no evidence that Jesus or his disciples ever sailed in this particular boat, but there's a fair chance they used something similar.

The museum / tourist trap features a gift shop that offers every tacky bit of religious and cultural memorabilia imaginable. I managed to avoid buying a replica of the Ark of the Covenant ($214), mostly cuz I didn't want to risk having my face melt off. I also thought about buying an "I Love the IDF" bracelet ($4) but didn't wanna tick off any of my future Arab friends. (IDF = Israeli Defense Force, by the way.) I did snag a nice ($5) cappuccino, by the way.

While there we also took an hour-long cruise on the Sea of Galilee. In keeping with Disney attraction standards the boat is a classic style for this region and no doubt runs on an automated track along the north-western shoreline.

The Golan Heights was the next stop and affords one of my best chances to really create an international incident. However I refrained from yelling out threats to Hezbollah supporters in southern Lebanon as we drove through Kiryat Shimona, which is literally a stones throw from that border.

Tel Dan is another sweet archeological site that also doubles as a nature reserve. Back in the 90's a stele (a big, tall stone with a carved inscription) mentioning "David" was found. It is the only mention of David outside of the Bible. In addition it is also it's not every day you get a history lesson along with your hike.

From there we climbed to the upper reaches of the Golan Heights, passing the Nimrod Fortress, a former assassin's hideout. We drove along the Syrian border for several miles and got a good view of a couple of Syrian towns, a U.N. base and even a spot where some Syrian Palestinians had broken through the border fence, probably to escape President Assad's attempts to quash the recent rebellion. Potential International Incident #2: I quietly said, "Assad sucks!" a couple of times. Made me feel better.

An hour (and a short nap) later, we were at the Church of the Beatitudes. This is the spot that commemorates the Sermon on the Mount. The church is octagonal, representing the eight Beatitudes.

Nearby is the Church of the Multiplication which commemorates the development of mathematics. Okay, maybe not. It commemorates the whole loaves and fishes deal. I love the church here because it looks very crusader-like.

Two cool stories about this place. Well, cool for me, at least.

First, when I was here in 2001 I met a priest who had served in both Galilee and Jerusalem for many years. His name is Bargil Pixner and he wrote a couple of great books about Jesus ministry in both places. Each book is steeped in the culture and dynamics of the locale. Last time I bought his book "Jesus in Galilee" and was lucky enough to get him to autograph it. This time I bought the second book, "Jesus in Jerusalem." He wasn't around to autograph it this time though.

This trip something even cooler happened. On the altar of this church is a mosaic depicting the loaves and fishes. It dates way back to an early incarnation of the church on this site. The mosaic (see below) is a frequent subject of all the trinkets and trash you can get in Israel. Unfortunately it is situated on the floor in a spot that makes it tough to get a good picture. This time I snuck into the chapel ahead of everyone else and had the place to myself. While at the roped off area in front of the altar a nun approached me and asked, "Would you like me to take a picture?" I said, "yes please!" and handed her my iPhone. She stepped over the rope and took two nice pics of the mosaic, at a much better angle and much closer than others normally get.

One last note. Jet lag is still kicking my butt. After dinner I went straight to bed. I slept from 8:00 PM to about 1:30 and then was up for about 2 1/2 hours and then slept for a couple hours more. Hopefully I'll be back to normal soon.

Feral cat count today: 5

Three Things . . .

2011-11-18T08:03:00.001-08:00

1. Attention feral cats of Israel: More of you should move to the Galilee region. Plenty of fish and lizards to supplement your already stellar garbage can diet.

2. My first chance to create an international incident came today when, against my better judgment, I danced the Hava Nagila. Luckily no one lost an eye and weirdly, I remembered all the words to the song that I learned in Miss Baker's 8th grade music class.

3. Food courts in Israeli malls are seriously lacking in variety. Where is an Sbarro or Panda Express when you need one?

Israeli Feral Cat Count

2011-11-17T21:39:00.001-08:00

Day One: 8
Day Two: 9
Day Three: 1 - and counting!

Simple On The Outside . . .

2011-11-17T11:15:00.001-08:00

Gaudy on the Inside!

Two pictures of the Crusader era St. Gabriel's Church, which is now an Eastern Orthodox church.

Israel - Day Two

2011-11-17T11:08:00.001-08:00

Woke up at 4:00 AM and couldn't go back to sleep. It made for a leisurely morning however. Many more up identifiable items available for breakfast. A cappuccino to go with the pears, croissant, Greek yogurt and granola ( or the regional equivalents) did the trick.

From there it was a 30 minute trek to the Caesarea Archeological Park. This is a complex of amazing stuff first built by Herod the Great and then destroyed and rebuilt several times over. It includes a restored outdoor amphitheater, remnants of palace Herod built out into the Mediterranean, a hippodrome, a man-made harbor and even a crusader era citadel.

Then it was on to Mt. Carmel. This is the site where Elijah held a "contest" with the prophets of the Baal to prove which god(s) are the most powerful. Elijah won. I have a picture from our previous trip of Jake reading this story from 1 Kings.

Lunch was at a restaurant owned by a man in the nearby Druze town. (I'd tell you about Druze religion but apparently it's a secret.) this is a place I remember fondly from my previous trip in 2001 because of the delicious falafel! For $9 you get four falafel balls dropped into a pita and can fill it with an assortment of vegetables and tahini sauce. As with all our other meals, the buffet of vegetables was mostly a mystery to me. If you're ever in the region, I'd definitely recommend the falafel here! Mmmmmm good!

After a short trip we made it to Megiddo. Megiddo is an archeological site made famous in James Michener's The Source. The legendary archaeologist, Yigael Yadin, led this dig, uncovering something like 29 different eras where cities were built and destroyed on this tel. Megiddo is also famous for what Biblical prophecies say will happen in the enormous valley at its base: the battle of Armageddon. (I'm in no hurry and, well, frankly, I'll believe it when I see it.)

Nazareth is the next stop but before going into the city proper we head to a site called the Mount of Precipice. This is one of those traditional sites (Read: probably didn't happen here but it feels like the right kinda place) where a Biblical story is said to have occurred. In this case, Jesus might have ticked off a bunch of Jews and avoided getting thrown off a cliff.

From their we skipped the usual trip to the Church of the Annunciation - the biggest basilica in town - and went to the Eastern Orthodox Church of St. Gabriel. It is situated over the only known spring In in the oldest part of Nazareth. The Church of the Annunciation was built over a cave that is thought to be the childhood home of Mary. Except for the fact that it wasn't the Flintstone age and people lived in houses, not caves. As "traditional" sites go, I'm gonna put my money on St.Gabriel's.

It's 5:00 PM and dark. Time to make our way to our hotel, the Ma'agan Holiday Village.

The View From My Hotel

2011-11-17T10:45:00.001-08:00

It's grainy and the skies are gray (but it's Israel so all the leaves are not brown) but it's not everyday you get a view of the Mediterranean from your hotel room window. First for me, anyway . . .

Imagine, If You Will . . .

2011-11-17T10:30:00.001-08:00

A two-story palace atop this space. Herod the a Great built one here a few years back. The lower floor housed a freshwater pool. Yep, a freshwater pool surrounded on three sides by the Mediterranean!

Israel - Day One

2011-11-16T21:51:00.001-08:00

Our flight arrived in Tel Aviv around 2:30 PM local time. By 4:30 PM we were on our bus and making our way to Jaffa, a suburb of Tel Aviv.

We headed to the traditional home of Simon the Tanner. (See Acts 9 if you want the backstory.) by "traditional" I mean that there is a sign above the door to this house that declares it to be this guy's home. The home is not the original structure and now it's a private residence. But it's in an area that archaeologists know was here 2,000 years ago and there is a freshwater well within the courtyard of this home that dates back to the correct time period. That's significant because a tanner would need access to lots of fresh water for there work. Might be the place. Might not..

From there we drove through Tel Aviv, along the coastal highway to get to our hotel. The Seasons Hotel is in Netanya, north of Tel Aviv. Nice place, right on the Mediterranean Sea. (How often do you get to stay on the Med, right?)

Dinner was a buffet of traditional foods, which is to say that I am still craving a Five Guys right now. Good food but it's all mushy and the favors aren't what I'm used to. I'm keeping an open mind though!

After dinner I walked along a path that seems to run for miles right along the beach. Too bad it was pitch dark but it was still a nice stroll. I walked as far as the city center of Netanya. Lots of kids playing. Lots of adults strolling. Lots of cats! Geez! The feral cat population here must be enormous!

And now it's off to bed . . .

Three Things . . .

2011-11-16T10:45:00.001-08:00

. . . About long flights:

1. Don't underestimate the dehydration! Good grief! You just can't drink enough water. And, uh, magically it mostly seems to evaporate.

2. When the plane reached the gate, every person on the flight jumped to their feet and grabbed their bags from the overhead compartment (without a care regarding whether it had shifted during the flight). They packed the aisleways with their bodies and craploads of luggage within five minutes.. However the joke was on them. I think the fine folks at Delta Airlines waited a half hour to open the door. Nice move!

3. Airline food is delicious! Especially the Kosher meals! (P.S. I am in desperate need of some Five Guys right now!)

Sleep Deprivation

2011-11-16T05:14:00.001-08:00

I'm nearing the end of a ten hour flight to Israel. Being on a plane for that length of time is brutal!

It actually started about two hours earlier than that when the boarding process began. It turns out that even though we had already gone through the security check, when you go to Israel, you have to go through another one at the gate. And it's the full meal deal. The shoes come off. The water bottle has to be empty. They scan your stuff. Everything.

What makes it fun is that you get your first taste of Jewish culture. As you might expect, the majority of folks going to Israel are Jews. And lots of them seem to be Orthodox. Men with curled locks of hair, long beards, wearing dark suits and the doofiest hats you've ever seen.

When we get on the plane passengers are more aggressive about getting to their seats than I'm used to. ("Maybe she could move aside so I could get by?") elderly people are quicker to ask for help as well. I think I was asked to heft suitcases at least three times.

I know I don't sound very respectful, but I am. I think. I'm fascinated with the culture and can't wait to learn more!

Sleeping on a plane is trouble for me. In spite of the fact that I had been up for almost 24 hours, I have a hard time drifting off to sleep. My right leg feels cramped, so I get up and walk around. I read. I stare at the flight information on the monitor. ( Only six more hours!) And then when I do fall asleep, it's just in time to have my seat mates politely tug on my sleeve so they can get up and go to the lavatory.

In the end I got maybe three hours of sleep. Hopefully that will be enough to get me through customs and to the hotel. And to bed for some real sleep.

Three Things

2011-11-13T14:36:00.001-08:00

1. ATTENTION THIEVES! I'm headed to Israel this week. The guard dog and laser alarm system are in place. See you after Thanksgiving. Good luck!

2. As much as I like traveling and really should have everything I need for a long trip, I still find a reason to buy ONE MORE THING I just gotta have. (I'm talking to you, new iPad cover!)

3. I hate packing. For two reasons. First, I'm paranoid I'll forget something (especially my passport). Second, Rudy always seems to look depressed and is extra affectionate - which I love but it still makes me feel guilty!

Who needs those Nike Marty McFly Shoes?

2011-09-08T20:27:00.001-07:00

When you can have Lego Star Wars Storm Troopers do it for you!

Top Ten Cool/Weird (or Both) Memories from My Trip to the UK!

2010-09-17T17:58:00.000-07:00

10. Spending every night in Edinburgh singing at the White Hart Inn (established 1516). Singing “Take Me Home, Country Roads” with a pub full of Brits and Scots is a lot more fun than you would imagine!

9. Cruising through an Regent’s Canal at a speed of no more than 4 MPH with the woman at the wheel declaring, “We are now cruising at top speed!” All I can say is those NASCAR drivers don’t know what fear is!

8. Standing close enough to the stage at a performance of Comedy of Errors at the Shakespeare’s Globe Theatre so that you had to dodge the performer’s spit!

7. Crying at Les Miserables. Again. Even after seeing it three times. Cuz I’m a wuss.

6. Having to wait for another whole minute or so if you happened to miss the Tube! How inconvenient! Oh, and the frequent reminder to “Mind the Gap!”

5. The Dyson Airblade hand dryer. These puppies are in just about every restroom in the UK and not only do they cut down on paper waste they are the most efficient hand dryers I’ve ever seen! Ten seconds and you are done!

4. The vault the Crown Jewels are stored in! Holy crap! When you visit the Tower of London and go in to see the Crown Jewels you literally walk into a vault but IT IS HUGE – probably bigger than an average bank branch – and you wind your way through and out a vault door at the other end. And, uh, don’t even think about trying to steal a scepter or crown or something. Not gonna happen!

3. At the Changing of the Guard at Buckingham Palace, the royal guard band (or whatever the heck they’re called) played selections from Les Miserables and the James Bond theme! How cool is that?

2. Food and Drink! A $200 meal (per person) at Jamie Oliver’s restaurant, Fifteen. AND a $45 shot of 32 year old Ardbeg ’78 scotch at a restaurant in Edinburgh called Whiski. Not to mention my new favorite food: Haggis!

And The Number One Cool Memory from My Trip to the UK:

THIRTY (30) pubs in TEN (10) days!

(Beat that sissies!)

Twisted

2010-07-30T16:27:00.000-07:00

Last weekend I saw Inception. Best movie of the year – so far. I love movies that make you think and have twists and turns that keep you guessing. The whole time I felt like I was hanging on for dear life. Not because it was so suspenseful (although it was) but because my puny brain was trying to keep up with all that was happening and when it was happening and who it was happening to.

And then there’s the ending. The scene right before the credits roll. The one everyone talks about. The one everyone is trying to figure out. I won’t spoil it but let’s just say the reaction in the theater was a collective groan.

I love movies with surprise twists in them and while I know I’m not the smartest person in the room (and I’m in a room by myself right now, by the way) I have to say that I sometimes can figure out what the twist is before it’s revealed. I think the reason for this is that I’m always looking for potential twists to the story. Especially if I know ahead of time that one exists.

With Inception I had been careful not to read much about the movie cuz I didn’t want it to be spoiled for me. However, I did hear that there was lots of discussion around the final scene of the movie and what it meant. Before we went into the theater I told Elizabeth that I thought I knew what the “twist” might be but that I wouldn’t tell her until afterward. When the movie ended she asked if I was right. I was and I wasn’t. I did not have a clue about the final scene BUT the question behind it was what I thought it might be.

I know this makes no sense (probably even if you’ve seen the movie) but I don’t want to spoil it for those who might see it someday. (If you wanna know what my theory was, let me know.)

Seeing Inception got me to thinking about other movies I’ve seen with surprise twists and turns AND whether I had figured them out before the end. Here’s a few of them and be careful! If you haven’t seen these, I’ll probably ruin them for you!

SPOILER ALERT! SPOILER ALERT! SPOILER ALERT!

The Sting
For me The Sting is the granddaddy of the surprise ending movies. The first one I remember seeing anyway. This is the movie that coined the word “sting.” No one had used it in this sense before this movie came out.

I watched the whole movie thinking how clever Paul Newman and Robert Redford were for setting up such a clever scam. And then it all fell apart and I thought, “Oh no, how will they get out of this alive?” But then comes the twist – Newman and Redford had planned for things to go wrong all the time and the bad guys played right into their hands!

Did I figure it out before the end? Not even close. No clue at all. But this is the movie that got me watching every movie for twists and turns and surprises endings.

Memento
Before Inception, Christopher Nolan wrote and directed Memento. The movie is about a man (Guy Pearce) who is trying to solve the brutal murder of his wife. The only problem is that he has kind of a long term memory problem. He can’t remember things for more than a few minutes at a time and then they begin to fade away. So he takes pictures and makes notes (mostly in the form of tattoos) to help ensure he doesn’t lose track of what he’s learned. The coolest thing about this movie is that it plays out in reverse chronological order. You see the last scene first and work back from there.

Did I figure it out before the end? Nope. In fact, I can’t remember now “whodunit.” I was too wrapped up in the gimmick of the whole thing. This remains my favorite of all the “movies that make me think” however.

The Usual Suspects
Everyone talked about how clever The Usual Suspects was so when I watched the movie, I was deliberately trying to figure out the central mystery of “Who is Keyser Söze?”

Did I figure it out before the end? Yep. It’s easy when you’re looking for it.

Sixth Sense
Like The Usual Suspects, The Sixth Sense is another movie where I knew there was a surprise ending, so I was watching for it the entire way.

Did I figure it out before the end? Yep. Once the opening scene where Bruce Willis is attacked is over, I had it figured out. The big tipoff for me is how Bruce Willis’ wife never speaks to him in any scene after the beginning. It was like he wasn’t even there! (Cuz he wasn’t.) And, on top of that, Haley Joel Osment keeps saying, “I see dead people.” Duh!

The Village
Another M. Night Shyamalan movie. Not as good as The Sixth Sense but, in its own way, even cooler. The residents of an isolated puritan-like village believe that some mysterious creatures inhabit the forest around them. They believe they are trapped and cannot leave the boundaries of their Village. Or, that’s what some in The Village want you to believe anyway.

Did I figure it out before the end? Nope. I knew there was a twist and was watching for it but until it was revealed, I didn’t have a clue.

Presumed Innocent
I had read the book, Presumed Innocent, before I saw the movie. I still think this is the best “whodunit” I’ve ever read – and the movie is almost as good as the book. The story is about a woman who has been brutally murdered and the deputy D.A. that leads the investigation. It turns out that the deputy D.A. was having an affair with the murdered woman and, as the investigation develops, he finds himself framed for the murder.

Did I figure it out before the end? Nope. The book is written from the deputy D.A.’s point of view. I was convinced that it would turn out he had done it. Mostly because I thought it would be such a clever trick to have the narrator of the story turn out to be the killer. That wasn’t it though and when you figure out who did it, well, I was just blown away.

The Matrix
The Matrix is probably more of an inspiration for Inception than anything else. Kinda the whole being “in the world but not of the world” thing. We all know the story, so no need to summarize it here.

Did I figure it out before the end? Kinda. I could see it coming but until Lawrence Fishburne explained it, I was stumped.

Gone, Baby Gone
If you’ve never seen Gone, Baby Gone you should check it out. It’s the story of two Boston detectives who investigate a little girl’s kidnapping. But it’s not that simple. It’s based on the novel by Dennis Lehane, who also wrote Mystic River and feels similar in lots of ways.

Did I figure it out before the end? Yes. And without getting specific, if you hire Morgan Freeman to play what amounts to a bit part, you gotta figure there’s a reason.

Million Dollar Baby
There is a twist in Million Dollar Baby that comes about halfway through the film. It completely changes the direction of the movie. Through the first half you think the movie is about a woman who wants to become a successful boxer and the manager / trainer who reluctantly helps her. And then it becomes something completely different.

Did I figure it out before the end? No. Did NOT see the big twist until it happened. Even then I didn’t see where things were really going for a while. And then I cried.

Donnie Darko
Donnie Darko is the freakiest, weirdest most twisted movie ever. I can’t even begin to describe what it’s about. A dysfunctional suburban family. An airplane accident. The scariest bunny costume ever.

Did I figure it out before the end? I’m not sure. I’ve seen it three times now and it still mystifies me every time. What I do know is something a friend told me about the movie: Donnie Darko (Jake Gyllenhall) is just trying to do the right thing.

Mulholland Drive
I’m not even sure how to describe Mulholland Drive. A hopeful starlet, a car wreck, amnesia, dreams, reality and then it changes every two seconds from there until the end.

Did I figure it out before the end? No. There is no figuring this movie out.

Murder on the Orient Express
The old Agatha Christie story “Mystery on the Orient Express” has been made and remade a few times over the years. The latest version is a PBS “Masterpiece Mystery” version that I saw recently. What seems like a casual trip on a luxurious train with a group of random passengers is anything but. When someone is murdered you find out that virtually everyone on the train could be a suspect. And when the detective, Hercule Poirot, reveals “whodunit” you realize you were right.

Did I figure it out before the end? Nope. Even though I’d seen it before. Even though the clues are obvious. Didn’t see it coming.

Crimson Tide
Okay, Crimson Tide is not a mystery in any real sense. It’s about a nuclear missile submarine that loses contact with the outside world, just as an apparent attack on the United States is about to begin. The first officer (played by Denzel Washington) stages a mutiny to prevent the captain (played by Gene Hackman) from launching his missiles. The protocol is for the missiles to be launched but the first officer believes its nuts to do so given the fact that they aren’t able to confirm the order.

Did I figure it out before the end? Okay, that’s not really the right question here. I threw this one in because I think I could have written a better ending. The movie ends with Denzel preventing the missiles from being launched and, thank heaven, cuz the stinkin’ Commies didn’t attack after all. Crisis averted! However, through the whole movie I thought the twist was gonna be that the Commies DID attack and because of Denzel’s mutiny, the world has been destroyed. My ending would have been better.

Three Things . . .

2010-07-15T12:38:00.000-07:00

3. Best moment from last night’s ESPY awards: Will Ferrell as Jeff Vuvuzela

2. Best moment from last night’s ESPY awards: The Dark Side trailer with Sandra Bullock and Peyton Manning

1. Best moment from last night’s ESPY awards: Seth Meyer’s monologue, including:

* The free agent who will get the biggest payday this summer is Elin Nordegren.

* Tiger Woods is gearing up for the British Open, which starts today, "So give it up for Tiger Woods ... if you haven't already."

* It’s great the Saints won their first Super Bowl championship and helped New Orleans heal from the Hurricane Katrina tragedy -- but now because of the Gulf Oil Spill, they need to win the next 50.

* The ESPYs are held in Los Angeles, which is the place "where sports and entertainment come together," which makes it "like a Kardashian sister's bedroom."

If you didn’t watch and you like sports even a little bit, I think it’s about the best awards show around. It’s on again tonight and probably will be repeated a few more times as well. If nothing else, click on the above links . . .

Three Things . . .

2010-07-07T14:22:00.000-07:00

1. Are you crazy? A man in a really nice camper wants to put our song on the radio! Gimme a pen, I'm signin'! You're signin'! We're all signin'!

2. Anyway, like I was sayin', shrimp is the fruit of the sea. You can barbecue it, boil it, broil it, bake it, saute it. Dey's uh, shrimp-kabobs, shrimp creole, shrimp gumbo. Pan fried, deep fried, stir-fried. There's pineapple shrimp, lemon shrimp, coconut shrimp, pepper shrimp, shrimp soup, shrimp stew, shrimp salad, shrimp and potatoes, shrimp burger, shrimp sandwich. That, that's about it.

3. Dear Darla, I hate your stinking guts. You make me vomit. You're scum between my toes! Love, Alfalfa.

Three Things . . .

2010-07-01T14:04:00.000-07:00

Favorite Hangout Place in Oregon #3: The Bier Stein – Eugene, OR.
* They may not have the biggest beer selection but it is definitely the BEST beer selection around.
* Good food – mostly salads, soups and sandwiches.
* The atmosphere is nothing spectacular but it’s still a great place to sit and shoot the breeze with friends.

Favorite Hangout Place in Oregon #2: Deschutes Public House – Portland, OR.
* Consistently good beer - or even GREAT beer when they have The Abyss or Black Butte XXII on tap.
* Much better than average pub food.
* Cool interior and the walls open up in good weather to bring the outside in.

Favorite Hangout Place In Oregon #1: O’Kane’s Bar at McMenamin’s Old St. Francis School – Bend, OR.
* Good beer.
* Okay food.
* In this case it is TOTALLY the atmosphere that makes this place. It’s a tiny little bar that can easily be missed. It’s in the back, behind the main pub, behind the parking lot and through the fence. Once you get there though, it’s like this magical place where people are gathered around fire pits, sipping their drinks and just talking. In the dark. In the freezing cold. Even in January. Sometimes even in the snow. My favorite!

Three Things . . .

2010-06-30T14:30:00.000-07:00

Favorite Place To Eat In Oregon #3: Baldy’s Barbecue – Bend, OR.
* Why? Best.barbecue.ever. Easy on the pocketbook. Plenty of leftovers.
* Why Not? You’ll eat until you explode unless you have a lot of self control.
* Best Bet: ½ Chicken / ½ rack of ribs.

Favorite Place To Eat In Oregon #2: Spaghetti Factory – Portland, OR.
* Why? Easy on the pocketbook. Good food at a great price. I know this ain’t really a place for fine dining but I have so many great memories of taking my kids here for dinner, that it’s hard to not love it.
* Why Not? Plan on a half hour wait – at least.
* Best Bet: Managers favorite with ½ Mizithra Cheese & Brown Butter and the other half being whatever strikes your fancy.

Favorite Place To Eat In Oregon #3: The Cowboy Dinner Tree – Silver Lake, OR
* Why? Hands down, bar none: Biggest.Steak.Ever! Easy on the pocketbook. Plenty of leftovers, probably for weeks to come. It’s “rustic” which almost rhymes with “crusty.”
* Why Not? It’s in the middle of freakin’ nowhere! It’s “rustic” which almost rhymes with “crusty.” You’ll eat until you explode. Period.
* Best Bet: You really only have two choices: A whole chicken or a 26-30 oz roast steak. After that, ya get what they serve you. AND make sure to call early to make your reservation! (And feel free to invite me to go with you! I’m always looking for an excuse!)

Three Things . . .

2010-06-21T14:23:00.001-07:00

1. Yesterday’s U.S. Open was won by, uh, let's see . . . Oh, who cares? It’s golf, for heck’s sake! They had the ball, then hit it away, chased after it and did it all over again. How dumb a game is that?

2. Wimbledon begins today! Oh, who cares? It’s tennis, for heck’s sake! A couple of doofuses hitting a ball back and forth. Pretty much like Ping Pong. How dumb a game is that? (Excluding matches with future ex-wife Maria Sharapova, of course.)

3. The U.S. ends up in a draw with, uh, one of those “Slo” nations (that I can’t remember the name of) when a referee decided to disallow a goal as kind of a make up call for an earlier missed call or something like that . . . Oh, who cares? It’s soccer, for heck’s sake! A bunch of guys running around the “pitch” (or, as Randy Jackson calls it, “the pitch, dawg”) who, no matter how talented they might be, can’t seem to get the ball to go into the net more than once or twice a game. If basketball players can get the ball in a little, tiny, round net just a few inches bigger than the ball, dozens of times during a game, why can’t soccer players get it in the big, rectangular 8 X 24 foot net even more often? NFL goal posts are 10 X 18.5 feet and kickers can score from 40 – 50 yards away with 11 enormous, HGH-fueled guys racing towards them. Soccer players, not so much. How dumb a game is that?

Three Things . . .

2010-06-17T13:45:00.000-07:00

1. If I knew the Lakers would lose tonight, I might actually watch Game 7.

2. If I knew BP CEO Tony Hayward would actually give an honest answer to questions about his company’s handling of the Gulf oil spill, I might actually watch the congressional hearing.

3. If I knew the Vatican would call The Blues Brothers a "Catholic classic" and that “it should be recommended viewing for Catholics everywhere” I might actually watch it. Oh wait, I have watched it. Several times. I guess, then, well, I might actually become a Catholic.

The Others

2010-06-14T14:40:00.000-07:00

Weekend before last I went to fabulous eastern Idaho (Driggs, actually) with Elizabeth to visit my “other” family. I think most of you know what I’m talking about but I’m not sure I’ve told you the whole story before. If I have, you can quit now cuz there probably ain’t anything new here. If I haven’t, well, you can still quit now and save yourself the pain of having to hear another one of my stories.

I’m adopted. I was born on October 26, 1954 in Oakland California. I lived in foster care until I was adopted by my parents, Earl and Billie Milliron, on March 21, 1955.

My parents were open about my adoption. There wasn’t much that they knew but I can’t ever remember not knowing I was adopted. I never felt odd about being adopted or that I somehow wasn’t part of my family growing up. Sure, I remember a couple of times that I got mad and thought, “I want my REAL mom!” but what kid doesn’t want to be in another family every once in a while?

I was never all that curious to find out about my birth parents but that didn’t keep me from making up a story about them. For the life of me I don’t know how this happened but I came to believe that my parents were members of a symphony orchestra who had died in an airplane crash in the ocean. They lived on an island with the other crash survivors and were frequently terrorized by a smoke monster. (Okay that last part isn’t true, but I did believe they died in a plan crash.

I believed this until, well, sometime after I was married! Sitting in an IHOP (which stands for Insert Hair On Pancake, by the way) in Boise, Idaho with my Mom and Nancy, we started talking about my adoption. I mention that I’d always believed my parents were members of a symphony orchestra who had died in an airplane crash in the ocean. My Mom looked at me and said, “Where did you ever get that idea?” Long story short, I apparently made it up.

Cut to eight years ago or so when I lived in Bend. A good friend of mine named Derek, who was also adopted, decided he wanted to track down his birth mother. He had some basic information and asked if I could help him. It was kinda fun doing Google searches and combing newspaper records for tidbits here and there. I didn’t turn up much of anything but my friend did.

One night he called me and said, “I think I’ve found my birth mother’s brother. Would you call him and let him know that if my birth mother would like to contact me, I’d love to connect with her?” So, I called the guy. He was very quiet and at the end of the conversation, thanked me for calling and hung up. Didn’t really say whether I had the right person or not and didn’t really make any promises about following up. However, less than a half hour later my friend got a call from a woman who said, “Hi Derek, this is your mother.”

Even with that experience I had no real desire to track down my birth family.

Cut to March of 2008. I’m in Bend for a meeting with a slug of U.S. Bank folks. As I walk into the meeting room I decide to check my email on my iPhone. There’s an email with a subject heading something like, “You don’t know me . . .” I open the email and read: “I am looking for a baby boy born in Oakland California in October 1954. His mother is Flora Hilman.”

I remember feeling stunned. I kept looking at the email and must have reread it ten times. I forwarded it to my kids and said “Look what I just got!” And I wrote back saying, “I was born in Oakland, California on October 26, 1954 and was adopted by Early and Billie Milliron.”

At the first break I was talking to Shawn Crawford (in the restroom, if you must know) and showed him the email. He looked at me, back at the email and then back to me again and said, “Wow! You really are a bastard!”

A couple more emails were exchanged back and forth and we kinda confirmed for each other that we were connected. The person who had sent the email turned out to be my (birth) sister, Connie. Which is pretty dang funny because I already had a (adoptive) sister named Connie!

The next night we talked on the phone for the first time. The more we talked the more certain I became that this really was my birth family and Connie filled in a lot of the gaps.

It turns out my birth mother was not a member of a symphony orchestra and (as you might guess) was not married when she gave birth to me. She was single and working in a jewelry store in Idaho Falls. The owner of the shop was married with children but the two fell into a relationship and, uh, well, apparently sex was involved in some way because, blammo! Flora got pregnant.

Some time before I was born, Flora left Idaho Falls and went to Oakland to have the baby (that’s me) and then returned. Sometime after she returned she got married (to another man – not my birth father) and had four kids: Jeff, Tom, Connie and Joe. Although Flora’s husband knew about the baby she had given up for adoption, she never mentioned it to her kids.

It wasn’t until some time after Flora passed away that one of Flora’s nieces asked Connie if she or her brothers had ever had any desire to find the boy their mother had given up for adoption. You can imagine how that would blow you away! Connie talked with her brothers and they all agreed they would like to track me down. Connie did the bulk of the legwork, including hiring some professional help. It took several months but eventually she tracked me down.

In July of 2008 I went back to eastern Idaho for a big family reunion to meet my “other” family for the first time. My daughter, Elizabeth, and son, Jeremy, went with me. It was very cool and very weird all at the same time. It was so great to meet my siblings and their spouses and kids and kids in law and grandkids and cousins and uncles and aunts. This most recent trip was a blast as well!

And, if there had been any doubt about whether or not I was related to these folks it was all swept away when you put us next to each other. There is definitely a family resemblance – especially with Jeff, the next oldest brother (after me).

There are a ton of stories I could tell you that came from that family reunion but these stand out:

My brother Jeff lives in a pretty dang small town - Malad, Idaho, where his wife was born and raised. My mother – my adoptive mother – was born in Malad and lived there until she was about ten years old. What are the odds?
One of the uncles I met is named John Alfred. John Alfred and his wife, Pat apparently offered to adopt me. They told Flora (John Alfred’s sister) that they would like to adopt her baby but she never responded. They believe Flora felt it would just be too uncomfortable to have me in the neighborhood, growing up in someone else’s home. If there is anything weirder than meeting your biological siblings, it’s meeting a couple who could have been my adoptive parents!
My biological mother, Flora, was married on March 18, 1955.
I was adopted by my parents three days later on March 21, 1955
Coincidentally, I was married on March 18, 1978.

One other thing I should mention. My parents, sisters and brother (the ones in my adoptive family) have been GREAT about all this. My dad has said, more than once, that he hoped I would have a chance to meet them someday.

Three Things . . .

2010-06-14T14:27:00.000-07:00

1. Favorite Quote From Last Weekend #1: “One of the softest goals you’ll ever see at this level.” Martin Tyler, ESPN commentator, just after the U.S. scored on England on Saturday.

2. Favorite Quote From Last Weekend #2: “Glad I bought stock in vuvuzelas last week. I just made a million dollars.” Eric Stangel, writer for David Letterman

3. Favorite Quote From Last Weekend #3: “Jimmy Dean, dead at 81. Jimmy Dean customers, dead at 58.” Alex Baze as retweeted by Seth Meyers.

Three Things . . .

2010-05-27T16:04:00.000-07:00

1. Raise your hand if you care even a little bit about the Lakers chances of winning the NBA Championship. Now look around. I’m betting you’re all alone out there.

2. Raise your hand if you know who won American Idol last night. Now, with your hand raised, repeat after me: “I (insert your name here) promise to buy every album from this artist (insert his or her name here 'cuz I have no freaking idea - nor do I care - who won) for the rest of my life as penance for having watched this show for another full season. So help me dawg.”

3. Raise your hand if you love the rain.
I thought so . . .

Three Things . . .

2010-05-19T11:47:00.000-07:00

1. So, it looks like it will be John Kitzhaber (D-MD) vs. Chris Dudley (R-Offensive / Defensive) in the governor’s race. While I am tempted to call this “the doctor vs. the dunker” I don’t really remember Dudley’s basketball repertoire including many dunks. And maybe it’s just me but isn’t his biggest post NBA claim to fame that he was Kevin Love’s personal coach when K-Love was in high school?

2. It also looks like you can’t go home again. Senator Arlen Specter (D, R, D, - Not Sure) got the smack down in yesterday’s Pennsylvania primary after something like 32 years in the Senate. Actually it appears it wasn’t so much the switch of party affiliation that did him in as much as the strong anti-incumbent sentiment in the country. This reminds me, I have always thought term limits are stupid because we can always impose term limits just by not voting for dweebs than no longer deserve to be in office. Looks like that’s how voters in Pennsylvania felt yesterday.

3. Blanche Lincoln (In the D-ARK) didn’t get dumped by voters exactly but she didn’t win a majority so now she’s in a runoff against Arkansas’ Lt. Governor, Bill Halter. According to most political observers, she didn’t win the primary because A) she’s the incumbent, B) opponents of banking reform have been working hard to defeat her OR C) HER NAME IS BLANCHE!

Three Things . . .

2010-05-18T14:01:00.001-07:00

For those of you who have been worrying about the dilemma involving me and the way cool butane torch lighter my son, Jake, got me as a groomsman’s gift for his wedding, here’s an update:

1. I checked online and found it for under $50. So I decided if I could have it shipped for less than that, it’d be worth it. I’d still rather have the original, since Jake gave it to me as a gift.

2. I contacted FedEx’s Critical Care department. They are able to ship “hazardous materials” and said they have the capability to handle a butane lighter in a manner that would ensure a potential disaster could be averted. (Because the last thing we need now is another lethal spill of a toxic substance in our waterways.) The cost for transporting an object of less than one pound from Kalispell, MT, to Eugene, OR, is only (drumroll, please): $1,759.

3. After talking with FedEx, I called Megan back at the UPS office in Kalispell. I told her about the FedEx quote but said I really wanted to be able to get back this gift from my son, so I was still exploring alternatives. She assured me she would hang onto it for as long as I needed. A few minutes later, she called me back and said she had talked to her supervisor who gave her permission to drain the lighter of butane so that it could be shipped to me without having to treat it as a hazardous material! I thanked her profusely, asked her to marry me, she said no and we hung up. The lighter is on its way!

Three Things . . .

2010-05-17T14:29:00.000-07:00

1. Parvati should have won Survivor. She did a great job with all the strategic and social aspects of the game. Plus, she’s a stud in the challenges.

2. Russell is a master of strategy but he’s also a tool. He’s the Dick Cheney of the reality TV world. No one will ever vote for him to win.

3. Sandra was a non-factor for the whole game and as far as I can tell, she won solely because she kept telling everyone that they needed to get rid of Russell. No one took her advice seriously, but, at the end of the game everyone on the jury voted for her because they all thought, “If I had listened to her, maybe I could have won.” Dumb.

Scenes From A Wedding

2010-05-14T14:04:00.000-07:00

For those of you interested in the continuing saga of my so-called pathetic life (and I believe that number is somewhere around ZERO but I’m not gonna let that stop me) here are a few highlights from my trip to Kalispell for Jake and Rachel’s wedding:

Old McDonald Had A Lake
I flew into Kalispell late Wednesday night (and boy, were my arms tired). Other than Las Vegas most towns don’t look all that cool in the dark and a little town in northwest Montana is no exception. BUT, in the morning it was a different story! There were plenty of snow-covered mountains, lakes, trees and other outdoorsy stuff that looked like it had been put together by Disney Imagineers.

That made us decide to take a whirlwind tour of Glacier National Park. Turns out Glacier doesn’t really “open for business” until later on in the year. (Glacier National Park – Hours of Operation: July.) None of the lodges, restaurants or tours were open. But that’s not to say it was boring because all of the Industrial Light & Magic matte-paintings of snow-covered mountains, lakes, trees and other outdoorsy stuff were pretty cool.

An especially cool thing was all the warnings about the animals – especially BEARS. There was even a whole brochure about BEARS that sounded like we’d see one every ten feet or so. Don’t feed the BEARS. Don’t taunt the BEARS. Don’t get out of your car and shake hands with the BEARS. Don’t put your two-year old on the back of a BEAR and try to take a picture. Just the usual kinda common sense stuff that some bozo must have actually been stupid enough to do, so now the National Park Service has to warn you not to do it! So, did we see any BEARS? No. Apparently they only come around when the park is actually in full swing (otherwise known as July). Couldn’t the Disney folks have planted at least ONE audio-animatronic bear for me to see? Sheesh!

On the other hand, we did see a really honkin’ muthah huge squirrel run across the road. Elizabeth tried to tell us it was a mongoose, but I know that mongooses (mongeese? mongoosi?) only live where cobras live. At least, according to all the Discovery Channel stuff I’ve seen. If you see a mongoose, a cobra must be near by so they can fight to the death. There are NO cobras in Montana so there can’t be any mongoosy-thingys either, right?

So, no cool animals. No cool lodges. Just cool scenery. And one cool picture of Elizabeth and Jake.

Eat, Drink and Be Merry

Up until the day of the wedding, it seemed like most of my time was spent eating and drinking. Dinner at Rachel’s parents house – check. Breakfast out with the guys – check. Rehearsal dinner – check. Cold Smoke (Montana’s best beer) - Check. Gin & Tonic – check. Cool, clear Montana water – check.

Apparently, even for a fat guy like me, there is a limit on how much you can eat. And let me just point out this obvious fact: Chicken Fried Steak – it’s not just for breakfast anymore.

True confession: I am a horrible person. Saturday afternoon everyone is getting ready for the wedding. While I’m waiting for everyone else I decide to have a gin & tonic. (I believe gin & tonics have some kind of magical healing power that can always make a queasy stomach feel better. And after Chicken Fried Steak (Motto: Like lead but tasty!) I needed something before the wedding started.) Before I finished my drink, all of a sudden it was time to go. So, um, I rinsed out my water bottle and poured the G&T into it. But, er, it looked so puny that I decided I’d add a bit of gin. And tonic. And ice. And lime. Next thing you know, the water bottle was full and off to the church we went! How horrible is that? Pretty horrible. (I feel better having confessed my sin, can you tell?) Let me just remind you that in spite of all my talk about drinking I never get drunk (or could count on one hand the number of times I’ve been drunk anyway) and, on the whole, am pretty responsible about it. So, it wasn’t like I was drunk at the wedding – or even tipsy. I wasn’t. But you just don’t bring alcohol into a church! (Communion wine excepted.) What was I thinking? Or not thinking, as the case may be.

But I told you about that, so I could tell you about this . . .

After the picture taking was done – and about an hour before the wedding was set to start – Nancy asked, “I’m really thirsty. Does anyone have a water bottle?” My water bottle was conveniently sitting in the pew right next to where she was standing. She KNOWS what my water bottle looks like, so I panicked thinking she would see it, pick it up and take a swig. That would have resulted in a disaster of catastrophic proportions! Luckily someone else offered her there water bottle before she saw mine. Disaster averted.

Speaking of pictures, here’s one of my kids and their spouses – except for Rachel, who was off doing some kinda bride thingy. From the left it’s Cassie & Jeremy, Jake is at the top and then Jeremiah & Elizabeth. (And be sure to notice the Chuck Taylor All Star Converse we wore for the wedding!)

The Ceremony
I wasn’t just a father, along for the ride, for this event, I was also a groomsman. It is very fun (and a very cool honor) to be asked by your son to be in the wedding party. (I was fortunate enough to be a groomsman in Jeremy’s wedding as well.)

On the other hand, I am old and could die at any moment, so when you’re standing up front through an entire wedding ceremony, you can’t help but wonder if you’ll make it to the end without falling over or something. Fortunately, I lived to tell about it.

The guy who married Jake and Rachel is a good friend of theirs from college. His name is Robert and he's a youth pastor in Coeur d’Alene, Idaho. He did a GREAT job and kept things light but also solemn at the right moments.

I, of course, was solemn and well-behaved throughout the entire ceremony. Except at the moment Robert pronounced them “man and wife.” Then I reached into my pocket, and sent the following Tweet / Facebook update: “It's official! Rachel & Jake are now married! (Sent surreptitiously during the ceremony while standing at the front of the church.)” No one saw me do it. (It’s just our little secret.)

And one other thing. As I have now done in each of my kids weddings, I did not wear socks. Like the Masters - it's a tradition like no other.

No wedding update would be complete without a picture of the bride. Here’s one with Jake and Rachel (on the left) and the pastor, Robert, and his wife, Kristi (on the right).

Lighter Than Air
One last thing . . .

On Sunday morning I think the whole week – including the lack of sleep and excess alcohol - caught up with me.

As a groomsman gift, Jake had given me a very cool cigar lighter. It was one of those sweet “torch” lighters and a very nice personal gift that I really appreciated. Knowing there are some restrictions on that kinda thing when you fly, I got to the airport on Sunday morning and confessed that I was carrying contraband. I expected I would have to check my luggage. I was sorely mistaken

When the Horizon rep kept telling me that there was no way the lighter could go on the airplane - even if my luggage were checked - I couldn't believe it. She was such a weasel about the whole thing - and offered no alternatives (except to throw it away for me). I think I’m normally pretty good about rolling with the punches but in this case, I was way more ticked off than I would normally have been.

I was so ticked off that I just got my boarding pass and left the ticket window. And then I did a dumb thing and packed it back in my suitcase and tried to get it through TSA. How did that work out for you, you ask? Uh, not very well. However, the TSA guy was at least nice enough to show me how I could ship it home by UPS. After all that crap - and the emotion of it being something Jake had given me, it was all I could do to keep from crying. Honest. (What a wuss! Being all wound up about a stinking lighter!)

So, Tuesday I get a call from a nice woman named Megan from the UPS office in Kalispell. She called to say that butane lighters can only be shipped through companies authorized to handle hazardous materials! (No, I am not kidding!) Of course, if it were empty it could be shipped then cuz it's just a piece of steel. So, I ask, “Can you just drain the thing for me and then ship it?” Of course not! Megan was very nice and I understand that they gotta follow the rules and regulations, so I wasn’t ticked at her, but could this be more ridiculous?

Of course I could ask one of my good friends in Kalispell to go down to the UPS office, pick up the lighter, drain it of butane and then send it to me but, let's see . . . Who do I know in Kalispell? Maybe I could call Rachel’s wonderful but very conservative parents! Certainly they would go to the UPS office to pick up the illegal item which I use to smoke semi-controlled substances (just tobacco, mind you) which they probably view as a sinful and serious vice, right? Okay, maybe not.

And then on Wednesday I read about a guy who had a gun in his carry-on luggage on a flight from New York to Cairo. And when did they discover it? In Cairo, of course! NOT BEFORE the flight but at THE END of the flight.

And yet somehow my torch lighter poses a terrorist threat and can only be shipped as a hazardous material . . .

Other than that, it was a GREAT wedding!

Three Things . . .

2010-05-13T16:18:00.000-07:00

1. I have watched just about every dang episode of LOST since it began. The show is addicting because you are always trying to figure out what the heck is going on. However, I am pretty much ready for it to be over because it has just gotten ridonkulous. For example, the most recent episode kinda sorta answered the question about the Smoke Monster but after it was over, I had more questions than answers. The series is gonna end in another week and a half and my prediction is that everyone who has ever watched it is gonna go, “Huh?”

2. But, because I’m a dork, I’m still going to my Elizabeth's for a LOST finale party that she’s been planning for the last four years. Yep. I’m that much of a loser.

3. True confession: If it went on for another season I would probably still watch because A) I love the character, “Hurley” (who many people say I resemble, by the way), 2) I would miss seeing all the times the characters back down when someone confronts them with a weapon and says that if they’ll come with them, they’ll explain everything (but never do) and Roman Numeral Tres) Kate (as played by future ex-wife, Evangeline Lilly.)

Three Things . . .

2010-05-12T14:30:00.000-07:00

Three Things . . .

1. Last week, while staying in a gorgeous home we rented in Kalispell, MT, for my son's wedding, I opened a bottle of Alberston's brand tonic water. I had forgotten that EVERY TIME I open a bottle of Alberston's brand tonic water it ALWAYS sprays all over the place. I swear I didn't shake the stuff at all but, true to form, a geyser erupted. Trying to screw the lid back on just seems to make the spray all that more forceful. So, with that in mind, what made those bozos at Halliburton think they could just put a cap on that oil leak?

2. And didn't you love the Senate inquiry into the oil spill yesterday? BP: "It wasn't our fault! We just own the rig. TransOcean is in charge of the operation." TransOcean: "Nuh, uh! Not us! It's Halliburton's employees who run the thing that screwed up!" Halliburton: "What?!? No way! We're just doing what BP and TransOcean told us to do!" The winning entry goes to Halliburton who went for the "two for one" blame approach.

3. Speaking of Things That Did Not Go Well - I didn't watch last night's Cavs / Celtics game but is it true that Lebron just kinda sat this one out? In the meantime, did future ex-wife, Erin Andrews made some kind of move on "Dancing with the Oh My Gosh, Did The Wrong Team Win on This Season's Amazing Race, Or What, uh, Stars" that has lots of people talking and would probably have me taking a cold shower if I had seen it?

Okay. One more thing . . .

From the "This Just In From The Grassy Knoll" Department:
While I was out of the country (Montana is part of Canada, right?) the stock market did some kind of weird glitchy thing one day where it completely collapsed and then jumped back to normal - all within a relatively few minutes. One of the many (conspiracy) theories is that someone accidentally plugged in one BILLION when they meant to plug in one MILLION. Just a silly typo but I'm not sure I believe it. In fact, I don't believe it. And here's the best explanation of why I don't believe it. It comes from Tina Fey on last Saturday's episode of Saturday Night Live:

"One guy can do a billion dollar transaction and a manager doesn't have to approve it? If I try to pay with a 50 at Starbucks, it turns into a four man operation."

Great Moments In Music History II

2010-05-03T16:14:00.000-07:00

It turns out that Sunday was the start of National Music Week. I have no idea why we need a National Music Week but it does give me another excuse to talk more about some of the songs that I associate with different times in my life.

Before I do that, I have to pass along a story from a guy named Josh that I work with . . .

I just need to share this with you...your question, "Do you have a song that always reminds you of some moment in your life you’ll never forget?" Yes, I have one particular song that takes me back. No matter what the situation is, I go off into LaLa Land and daydream. When the song ends, I return to reality.

Let me reminisce for a moment....I'll be right back.

Ok, I'm back.

The date was November 6, 1992. I just graduated from intense Marine Corps Boot Camp at dreaded Parris Island, South Carolina. Boot Camp in the USMC is longer and more intense than any other of the Armed Forces. For 13 long weeks, along with the physical and emotional roadblocks to deal with, a recruit is also shut off from all outside interruptions. No TV. No newspapers. No magazines. No radio. When you graduate, you aren't aware of the current news, the current celebrity gossip, the newly released movies, the story line for your favorite shows or the current top 10 songs.

As I was leaving the base, I turned on the radio and for the first time in over three months, I heard the sweet sound of music. The song was "Layla" by Eric Clapton, the MTV Unplugged version. I'd never heard the song before, that version or the original version. But it was so soft and peaceful. No screaming or yelling. Just Eric and his acoustic guitar, telling a story.

Now, whenever I hear that song...my mind takes me back to that day. I don't really think about the rigors and pain of Boot Camp. I think about the sweet South Carolina air, the ocean breeze, the pride of having accomplished the most stressful time of my life, the excitement of seeing my family again (and knowing I would never have a drill instructor screaming in my face again!!)

Is that a cool story or what? And as much as I love the original version of Layla, the acoustic version is even better! Thanks Josh!

So, I kinda got through my high school years last time. Let’s see if I can wrap up the rest of my life this week.

Want A Doobie?
I was a freshman living in Poling Hall at Oregon State University, when I first heard the Doobie Brothers song, Jesus is Just Alright. (Sing along with me: Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo dooooo!) Even though I was a poor, starving college student I forked over $2.99 to buy the album. Much to my surprise, I loved every dang song on the album. And pretty much every song on every Doobie Brother’s album from that point forward.

Soon after buying the album, my roommate (who shall remain nameless cuz I can’t remember his name) asked me, “You know what a Doobie is, right?” Being the sophisticated guy I am, I replied, “No.” He explained that a “doobie” was (horrors) a marijuana cigarette! I was shocked but loved the album and played it all the time anyway. (On another note, I shouldn’t have been shocked my roommate knew what a doobie was since he had spent most of spring term trying to grow pot in the window of our dorm room, all the while claiming it was a mint plant.)

Disclaimer: I’ve never smoked pot or ingested any controlled substance without specific permission from medical professionals and Major League Baseball.

Confession: Always wanted to smoke pot. Never did. Never will.

Back to the story . . .

Other than Steely Dan, the Doobie Brothers are my all time favorite group. I’ve sent them in concert a few times and I think I own every album up they made up through the time Michael McDonald left the group - and several after that as well.

Cher and Cher Alike
One summer in college I worked at berry cannery along with a couple of my friends. We took turns driving to work cuz it way out in the sticks in east Multnomah County. We worked a shift that started in the late afternoon and would usually run until after midnight.

One night we got off a bit early and were heading back home along Oxbow Park Road, which is one of the windier roads in the state. My friend, Mike, was driving his family car (a Ford Galaxy station wagon, I believe) and I was in the back seat while my other friend, Bill, was in the passenger seat.

We had the radio on pretty loud (because that’s the only way a radio should be listened to) and the song Gypsies Tramps and Thieves by Cher came on. I hated that song then and I hate it now BUT that didn’t keep us from singing along with it that night.

It did, however, keep Mike from paying attention to the road for long enough that he lost control of the car on one of the curves and we crashed into an embankment. In that moment we all have when time slows to a crawl, just before disaster strikes, I watched as the car was careening toward the embankment and thought: “If I die while Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves is playing on the radio, I’m gonna be pissed!”

We didn’t die – and no one was even hurt. The car, on the other hand, was a mess. We got out and walked about a quarter of a mile down the road to the first home we could find. We knocked on the door and explained our dilemma. The couple invited us in so we could call a tow truck. When we stepped into the light of the house, they noticed our clothes, which were splattered and stained with the strawberries we’d been canning all night and the woman asked, “Oh my gosh! Are you guys okay?”

We all had a good laugh but, to this day I still hate Cher and especially that song!

Grand Funk
In college I also discovered soul music and even better: funk! My roommate during my sophomore year, Brad, was more straight laced than my pot growing freshman year roommate. However, he loved Motown and especially Marvin Gaye. The album What’s Going On and especially the song Mercy, Mercy Me exemplified musicianship at it’s finest. That led me to check out lots of other similar artists.

I quickly fell for the Isley Brothers and especially the songs That Lady and Fight the Power. Fight the Power had the added bonus of containing a swear word, which made it kinda more fun to sing along with cuz you felt like you were doing something slightly illegal.

My other fave was Earth Wind & Fire. I wore out the album, That’s The Way of The World and the song Shining Star. In the mid 70s I saw them in concert. The three things I remember most about it are:

1. Loudest.Concert.Ever – my ears rang for two days.

2. Verdine White, the bassist, played a wireless bass. At the time I couldn’t figure out how it was possible.

3. Before the show, during the intermission and after the concert, they played just one song over the loudspeakers. Over and over. I had no idea what it was and became obsessed with it until a couple of years later when I heard it on KINK one morning. The song was Romantic Warrior by Return to Forever. It was still another year or so before I found the album. I still play that song often.

AND to this day, funk is one of my favorite styles of music. Maceo Parker, Sharon Jones & The Dap Kings, Soulive and a ton of others, come up on my iPod playlist a lot.

Gross Funk
I worked at OSU’s campus radio station, KBVR, when I was in college. Easy credits and, being college radio, you could kinda, sorta do what you wanted. Along the way I got a weekend job as a DJ at K103 in Lebanon, where I worked for a year or two.

Even though I only worked weekends, I hated having to play songs that had been picked by the program director, rather than songs I liked. To this day, I pretty much hate any song from that dark, forgotten period. Billy Joel’s Glass Houses, John (pre-Mellencamp) Cougar’s debut album, Blondie’s Heart of Glass are among the albums I cannot stand to hear – even today.

By far the worst of that whole period was the song Funkytown by Lipps, Inc. I remember coming to work one Friday evening and seeing it listed as being in “heavy rotation.” That meant I was likely to hear it 2-3 times over the next six hours. I’d never heard it before but after hearing it for the first time, I hated it. Sure, part of it was that it was a stupid disco song (and let me point out here there is only ONE good disco song – Disco Inferno by The Trampps) but both the music and lyrics drove me insane.

Sing it with me: “Won’t you take me to – Funkytown! Won’t you take me to – Funkytown! Won’t you take me to – Funkytown! Won’t you take me to – Funkytown!”

AND on top of that, every girl in the Willamette Valley called to request the song, over and over again. And if you had already played it, and couldn’t play it again until it came around in the rotation, they said they would just keep calling until you played it again. And that’s exactly what they did.

I quit soon thereafter.

Well, now we’ve made it pretty much up to the time I got married and had kids. Those years will have to wait for another time, cuz I’m tired of this subject for now – and if I am tired of it, you must be going insane! Kinda like I was having to listen to Funkytown . . .

Three Things . . .

2010-05-03T16:03:00.001-07:00

From the President's "stand-up routine" at Saturday's White House Correspondent's Dinner:

1. On his approval ratings: "It's been quite a year since I've spoken here last. Lots of ups, lots of downs, except for my approval ratings, which have just gone down. But that's politics, it doesn't bother me. Besides, I happen to know that my approval ratings are still very high in the country of my birth."

2. On Jay Leno: "Though I am glad that the only person whose ratings fell more than mine last year is here tonight. Great to see you Jay. I'm also glad that I'm speaking first. We've all seen what happens when somebody takes the time slot after Leno's."

3. On the Jonas Brothers: "The Jonas Brothers are here, they're out there somewhere. Sasha and Malia are huge fans, but boys, don't get any ideas. Two words for you: predator drones. You will never see it coming. You think I'm joking?"

Speak English America!

2010-04-29T19:31:00.001-07:00

Bigots demand that everyone living in America speak English. If it's really that important then I think we should demand everyone living in America speak PROPER English.

No more "Old Timer's" when you meant "Alzheimer's." No more "jewlery" when you meant "jewelry." No more "nucular" when you meant "nuclear." Plus you gotta know the difference between "there," "their" and "they're." And for Pete's sake, the name of your club is "Ku Klux Klan" NOT "Klu Klux Klan!"

If you can speak and write English properly, you can stay. If not, you get deported to a non-English speaking country where you can see if another language will be easier for you.

Great Moments In Music History

2010-04-28T12:33:00.000-07:00

Do you remember the first album you ever bought? Do you have a song that always reminds you of some moment in your life you’ll never forget? Do you and your significant other – past, present or future – have an “Our Song?” Is there a song you want played at your wedding or maybe even your funeral?

I’ve got a ton of them that evoke all sorts of feelings and memories. Here’s a few . . .

First Albums Ever
The first record album I ever owned was Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass’ Whipped Cream & Other Delights. I asked for it as a birthday present when I was 12 or 13 and, much to my surprise, my conservative, Mormon parents bought it for me. It wasn’t that the music was all that controversial – all horn stuff – but the cover sure was! A woman all covered in, what else? Whipped cream. That had nothing to do with why I wanted it, of course. I just really liked the song “Taste of Honey.”

Over the next couple of years the only albums I bought or received as gifts were either:

Bill Cosby comedy records I think I own every one of the first ten albums on this link and listened to them so much that I memorized the routines and started to mimic Bill Cosby’s speech patterns. It got so bad that one night at the dinner table my Mom said, “I think you’ll have to quit listening to Bill Cosby. You slur your words so badly I can’t understand you!”

OR

James Bond soundtracks. The one I remember most was Thunderball. That was the first James Bond movie I ever saw and I thought the music was way cool. My best friend, Roger (Last Name Withheld to Protect the Guilty), also had his fair share of soundtrack albums and we would listen to them over and over.

Beatle Non-Mania
I was in 6th grade when The Beatles appeared on Ed Sullivan. I didn’t see ‘em but the next day when I got to school EVERYBODY was talking about them. I had no idea who they were and (I am NOT making this up) I really thought they were one of those Russian circus act things Ed Sullivan always had on his show. By lunch time, however, I figured out they were a band – but other than that, I had no idea what the big deal was about. At recess, a girl in my grade, Tracy (Last Name Withheld to Protect the Guilty), formed a spontaneous “I Hate The Beatles” club. Always on the prowl for a future ex-wife, I joined the club immediately. The sole purpose – and only activity – was to stand by the swings and chant “I Hate The Beatles! I Hate The Beatles!” The club disbanded after one day but my hatred for The Beatles continued for several years.

When I was a junior in high school my friend, Rick (Last Name Withheld To Protect the Guilty), loaned me his Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band album. Holy crap! This wasn’t just a record album, it was kinda like they were telling a story or something. The title track, Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds, Lovely Rita (who I actually met in 1991) and especially the mind blowing Day in the Life caused me to resign my membership in the “I Hate The Beatles” club.

All That Jazz
In my 8th grade general music class our teacher, Miss Baker (First Name Withheld For No Real Reason Except That She Was A Teacher and We're Not Supposed To Use Their First Names - But It Was Pat) introduced us to a lot of different music. Okay, mostly Broadway show tunes BUT one day she played Take Five by the Dave Brubeck Quartet. I’d never really heard jazz before but after hearing Take Five, I was hooked. Although I like all types of music – except maybe polka – jazz is by far my favorite and I tie it back to Miss Baker’s 8th grade general music class.

Monkee Business
Also when I was in 8th grade, Miss Baker got me into the Portland Civic Theater production of The Sound of Music. (I was Friedrich Von Trapp and had two lines: “I’m Friedrich. I’m 14. I’m the oldest” and “No, not me! It was Kurt’s idea.”) Backstage before a performance I was talking with a girl (First and Last Name Withheld Cuz I Have No Idea Now What Her Name Was), who also played one of the Von Trapp kids. She asked something innocuous like, “What’s your favorite TV show?” In a failed attempt to impress her, I decided I wouldn’t tell her the truth (that my favorite show was The Man from U.N.C.L.E.) but instead would try to impress her by picking the show EVERY teenage girl loved that year: The Monkees. As luck would have it, she replied, “Oh, I hate The Monkees!” I probably offered to start an “I Hate The Monkees Fan Club” but previous experience told me that probably wasn’t really gonna work.

Berry Pickin’
For what seems like about ten years, I picked strawberries and raspberries as a summer job. Three to five cents a pound is what they paid and I was such a slow picker that I only made about $3 to $5 dollars a day. (Actually, $5 would have been a miracle.) What often helped me to pick faster was the music on the transistor radios some people brought with them. One of those summers I heard a song that I became obsessed until I found out what it was called and who the artist was. Turns out it was Spinning Wheel by Blood Sweat & Tears. I think this was in the summer of 1969 (Bryan Adams reference intended) and was pretty excited when Roger got me the album for my 15th birthday.

Horn Bands
I loved BS&T and the next two albums were also by horn bands. I bought both Chicago Transit Authority and Chicago II. I would come home from school and listen to them every dang day. AND, just like today, I loved to play my music LOUD. My Dad (Last Name Withheld to Protect The Guilty), was a custom gun stock maker and had his shop in the basement of our house. He would come upstairs and yell at me to “turn down the stereo” cuz he was tired of hearing the “thump, thump, thump” of the music. I always turned it down out of respect (or maybe fear) of my Dad but I find it interesting that all these years later I really love to listen to LOUD music with lots of bass. (Maybe I have daddy issues.)

Get The Led Out
In high school I gravitated even more toward rock and roll and no band was better than Led Zeppelin. Roger and I would sit in his bedroom and listen to Led Zeppelin on his “8-track.” (For those of you younger than, oh say 45, the 8-track was a state of the art device which contained an entire album on multiple tracks of recording tape all in a convenient cartridge. The coolest thing was when – in the middle of a dang song – the tape would switch to the next track, leaving you with ten seconds of silence until the song would resume again!) The song I always looked forward to the most was Livin’ Lovin’ Maid. It was LOUD, had lots of bass AND it was fast! My dad could not STAND this kinda music, so naturally, I listened to more and more of it.

The Louder the Better
Grand Funk Railroad was one of my other favorites in high school – especially the song We’re An American Band. It fit all the requirements – LOUD, fast and lots of bass. I knew all the lyrics and could sing along BUT (and this is weird) I had no comprehension of what the song was really about. Back in those days I just didn’t pay any attention to lyrics - except to memorize them so I could sing along. I know this makes no sense but it wasn’t until years later as I was singing along with my kids in the car that I realized:

Out on the road for forty days
Last night in Little Rock, put me in a haze
Sweet, sweet Connie was doin' her act
She had the whole show and that's a natural fact

Might not be as wholesome a message as I had thought.

I also loved other big arena rock bands like Three Dog Night, Bad Company, Yes, The Who and (dare I say it?) The Moody Blues. Yes, I am now embarrassed about this last one (as should Shawn “Last Name Withheld But You Know Who You Are”) but the other three were still awesome. Back in the day.

Okay so I only made it through my high school years. I guess there have been more significant musical influences than I thought! I’ll leave the rest for another time. Or maybe not.

Three Things . . .

2010-04-02T14:29:00.000-07:00

Three Things . . .

1. It's time once again for the two most disgusting candies in the history of candies: Cadbury ~~Snot~~ Creme Eggs and Peeps! The Snot Eggs are soooooo sick! You can't break one open and still want to eat it. Bleccch! And a recent FDA report stated that consumption of Peeps is the leading cause of cancer in America. Any decent parent would keep their kids a million miles away from these things.

2. A friend of mine posted a question on Facebook the other day asking what the relationship is between "bunnies" and Easter. I'm not totally certain about this answer, but my best guess is that bunnies are responsible for pushing the stone away from the entrance to Jesus tomb.

3. And how about this for a weird thing? Even though we've been led to believe that most Wall Streeters are probably pagans, the market is closed today because it's Good Friday.

So, with that, Happy Easter to all of you who are Christians, a Happy and Kosher Passover to all of you who are Jewish and a belated Happy Solstice to all of you pagan Wall Streeters.

It's The Little Things In Life

2010-04-02T13:14:00.000-07:00

A while back a friend sent me a list of 101 Delights That Are Worth Enjoying Today. It’s a simple list of the small pleasures of everyday life that we sometimes take for granted. Stuff that is worth more than money can buy but hardly cost you a thing. Walking on the beach, sipping a cup of coffee, a fire in the fireplace – those kinda things.

You can click on the above link to read the entire list but I thought I’d give you my take on a few of the things on the list – and add a few of my own. PLUS, if you have any you want to share with me, I’d love to hear them . . .

* Sleeping in. I know I do this pretty much every day but I still enjoy it!

* An afternoon nap. The perfect complement to sleeping in!

* A perfect cup of coffee. Perfect for me means good, strong coffee with cream, no sugar.

* The first daffodils (and tulips) of spring. In Central Oregon these hummers don’t show up until late April / early May. So more like the first daffodils and tulips of summer.

* The way babies smell. I hope this doesn’t sound too skeezy but this still makes me wanna have another kid. Until the mother yanks the baby away and asks me to leave. (And just in case you’re confused, I’m talking about a baby with clean diapers here.)

* Puppies. Or pretty much any dog. Except the small, teeny, battery operated accessory dogs. (And you know who you are ABBY!) And maybe scary dogs, like pit bulls or angry Rottweiler’s or Doberman’s. Other than that, dogs are The Bomb! Especially puppies.

* Street musicians. I’m not much for giving money to the usual panhandlers on the street but anyone playing an instrument or drumming on a plastic bucket deserves a buck or two.

* Your favorite song. There are some songs that kinda stir the emotions for me more than others. Rhapsody in Blue is probably at the top of the list but also Send in the Clowns, Amazing Grace, God Bless the Child and Miss Otis Regrets by Ella Fitzgerald (the only song I know with a surprise ending and it just about kills me when I hear it).

* Singing in the car. Uh I NEVER do this but if I did it would mostly be songs that make the drive go faster like, Life is a Highway, Route 66, Working for the Weekend, Crosstown Traffic, Dragula, East River, Hott 2 Deff, Jet Airliner, Train in Vain, Traffic Jam, In The House and a bunch of others you probably never heard of.

* The smell of fresh-baked bread. Or popcorn. Or beer.

* A baguette -- crisp on the outside, airy on the inside. So, while baguettes are fine, this one really is no big deal to me. But seeing it on the list reminded me of the Far Side cartoon where the two polar bears are chomping on an igloo and one says to the other: “I just love these things! Crunchy on the outside. Chewy on the inside!”

* Old family recipes. While my Mom is (to put this gently) not gonna win a James Beard award any time soon, there was one meal I loved – Chicken Breasts in some kind of Cream of Mushroom soup gravy with mashed potatoes. Mmmmmm! Not on the list: Creamed Tuna on Toast (complete with chopped up hard-boiled eggs)! Baaaaaaaaarrrrrfffffffff

* Bacon, eggs, hash browns and coffee cooking on Saturday or Sunday morning. I’m not a big breakfast eater – except for on the weekends and man do I love bacon, eggs, hash browns and coffee. Bacon – not too crispy. Eggs – over easy. (Scrambled is okay too. Or omelets or Eggs Benedict.) Hash browns – the shredded kind and make sure the outside is crispy. Coffee – strong, dark and with cream, of course.

* A glass of ~~wine~~ beer. No explanation necessary

* Snow days! I do NOT understand people who don’t like snow. But then I don’t understand people who don’t like beer either.

* Sunshine. Cuz I am sooooo tired of the dang rain around here!

* The wind in evergreen trees. Easily the coolest sound ever.

* Great stories. Like the “Three Letters from Teddy” story I sent a couple of weeks ago. Or the children’s story, “Love You Forever” or Where the Red Fern Grows.

* A novel you can get lost in. Reading is for the cool kids and books like The Story of Edgar Sawtelle, East of Eden, To Kill a Mockingbird, Lord of the Rings and, of course, Lonesome Dove, are all books I have gotten lost in.

* Old photographs. Isn’t it cool to look through old family albums and see your parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles and other assorted friends and relatives as they looked “back in the day?” Not to mention it provides the added bonus of being able to make fun of how they looked back then! AND I love looking at old photos of familiar places. I’m always trying to figure out what’s there now. (“Hey, did you know there used to be a church where Stars Cabaret used to be?”)

* The smell of gasoline. Not so much any more but when I was a kid and diesel trucks or buses drove by, I would breathe in as deep as I could cuz I loved the smell of diesel fumes. Thankfully I never suffered any brain damage. That I know of. As far as you know, anyway.

* When someone falls asleep with their head on your shoulder. Yeah, um not that I’ve ever experienced this, although there was this one evening with future ex-wife Erin Andrews when she was just exhausted from practicing for Dancing with the Soon To Be Washed Up Athletes and Pseudo Stars and came to my place and crashed on the couch. Or maybe I just dreamt that . . .

I know I am forgetting more than a few things, but that’ll just give me an excuse to do this again sometime. For today, this will have to do . . .

Funniest Bank Robber Name Ever!

2010-04-01T19:05:00.000-07:00

I ran across a cooler than normal bank robbery story on Oregon Live today. Even cooler is the snarky way the reporter wrote the story. Pretty funny all the way around, so here's the whole thing . . .

We are no bank robbery experts here at The Oregonian's Northwest Headlines desk. And yet we bow at what might be the best moniker ever for a series of connected bank robberies, namely the ‘F-Bomb Bandit.’"

Seattle police investigators arrested three potty-mouthed teens, including a 16-year-old girl, in connection with recent heists around Puget Sound that shared one common element: a bank robbery note that ordered the teller to "give me the (bleeping) money." (One deeply hopes the note did not contain misspellings.)

The Seattle Times put two heavy-hitting reporters on the story of Shennell Kennebrew and other alleged members of the F-bomb crew. Check out their story:

When Shennell Kennebrew's father recognized his daughter's image in a television news report on the prolific foul-mouthed bank robber dubbed the "F-Bomb Bandit," he urged her to turn herself in, Seattle police said.

But he says the 16-year-old girl laughed at him.

Not long afterward, police, acting on tips from two other people who saw the same news report, arrested Kennebrew at her South Seattle home March 2. Police say she was dressed in a black North Face jacket identical to one worn by the suspect in a Feb. 16 bank robbery in Renton.

By the time Jamel Kennebrew arrived at Seattle police headquarters, his daughter was already being questioned in the string of bank robberies between Jan. 11 and Feb. 24. He told detectives he had confronted the girl only to be rebuffed, according to charging documents filed earlier this week in King County Superior Court.

“Shennell Kennebrew and three others, including two other teens, now face charges in connection with four armed robberies in Seattle, Kent and Renton that police said netted just under $11,400.

And I hope you took note of the fantastic parenting skills mentioned in this story . . .

Three Things . . .

2010-04-01T19:00:00.000-07:00

1. Apparently Google changed their name to "Topeka" today out of respect for the citizen's of Topeka, Kansas, who changed the name of their city to "Google" in hopes of luring Google (aka Topeka) to select their city to participate in an "experimental ultra high speed broadband project." Or not . . .

2. Michael Jackson's doctor (you know, the guy that allegedly helped Jackson to sleep better at night - so much better, in fact, that he is now sleeping permanently) is apparently fighting hard to keep his medical license so he can "continue practicing medicine in order to pay for his defense on a manslaughter charge in the pop star's death." Yeah, um, I'm thinking, "no" on this one.

3. I am SICK or the rain! Sick of it, I tell you! So, it was GREAT to see the sun this morning and to walk down the street to get coffee without getting dumped on. Very pleasant. But, oh crap! Wait a sec! What's this? A honkin' muthah storm moving into Oregon early Friday with 70 mph winds along the Oregon Coast, a couple of feet of snow in the mountains and a buttload of rain for the lower elevations. I give up. I'm gonna move to the desert planet of Tatooine.

Did Anyone Hear The Other Shoe Drop?

2010-03-15T13:55:00.000-07:00

Senator Chris Dodd (D - Lame Duck) introduced a bill today "that would result in the most sweeping overhaul of financial regulations since the Depression." While the NY Times says, "Democrats Appeal Across the Aisle on Financial Overhaul" I am just too cynical to believe that whatever is in the current proposal will look anything like the final product. In fact, if I were advising the senior executives of the fine bank I work for (think about that for just a second and see if it doesn't make you shudder uncontrollably) I'd suggest we save a buttload of money on lobbyists and just let nature take its course on this one cuz if we've learned anything from the whole health care debate, there isn't much chance anything of substance will come out of this effort. (This unsolicited political rant is brought to you by our good friends at Chantix. Chantix: When you need to quit smoking but still want the thrill of something that might kill you!")

And if you want a quick summary of what's in the bill, here ya go: "Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah."

Programming Note!

2010-03-15T13:50:00.000-07:00

The NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament Teams have been announced and my unofficial, in-office, leave of absence begins today and continues for the next three weeks as I spend more time thinking about my bracket than ~~Erin Andrews~~ banking. A

nd, even though you don't care even one tiny bit - my Final Four: Kansas, West Virginia, Kansas State, Villanova. (Unless I change my mind between now and Thursday.)

Just Try Not To Cry! I Dare Ya!

2010-03-15T13:37:00.000-07:00

So, uh, Slacker Boy is feeling lazy this week, so rather than rambling on about some less than exciting happening in my pitiful life I thought I would share a story with you. It's a story that some of you have probably heard before but it is just about my all time favorite.

It's a story I first heard told by Tony Campolo (and if you know who Tony Campolo is, I'm impressed)! BUT it was originally written by a woman named Elizabeth Silance Ballard. It is a story that will make you see others a little differently. But I gotta warn you, if you've never heard it before . . .

This story will make you cry!

You've been warned!

I think it's a GREAT story to share with others - especially if you like to make others cry too!

Three Letters from Teddy
Elizabeth Silance Ballard

Teddy Stallard was a student in my fifth grade class fifteen years ago. It was early in my career, and I had only been teaching for two years. From the first day he stepped into my classroom, I disliked Teddy. Teachers (although everyone knows differently) are not supposed to have favorites in a class, but most especially are not supposed to show dislike for a child, any child.

Nevertheless, every year there are one or two children that you cannot help but become attached to and sometimes, not too often, fortunately, there are one or two students to whom the teacher just can’t seem to relate.

There wasn’t a child I particularly liked that year, but Teddy, was most definitely the one I disliked. He was dirty. His hair hung down in his eyes, and he actually had to hold it out of the way as he wrote papers in class. Plus, he had a peculiar odor about him which I could never identify.

His faults were many, and his intellect left a lot to be desired. By the end of the first week I knew he was hopelessly behind the others. Not only was he behind; he was just plain slow! I began to withdraw from him immediately.

In fact, I concentrated on my best students and let the others follow along as best they could. Ashamed as I am to admit it, I took perverse pleasure in using my red pen; and each time I came to Teddy’s paper, the cross marks (and there were many) were always a little larger and a little redder than necessary. I always seemed to mark an “F” on his papers with extra flourish.

While I did not actually ridicule him, my attitude was obviously quite apparent to the class, and he quickly became the class "goat" - the outcast. He knew I didn’t like him, but he didn’t know why. Nor did I know then or now, why I felt such an intense dislike for him. All I know is that he was a little boy no one cared about and I made no effort on his behalf.

The days rolled by. We made it through the fall and the Thanksgiving holidays. As the Christmas holiday approached, I knew that Teddy would never catch up in time to be promoted to the sixth grade level. To justify myself, I went to his file and, for the first time, read some of the remarks from his previous teachers:

First grade: Teddy shows promise by work and attitude, but has a poor home situation.
Second grade: Teddy could do better. Mother has been sick a lot. He receives little help at home.
Third grade: Teddy is a pleasant boy. Helpful, but too serious. Slow learner. His mother passed away end of the year.
Fourth grade: Very slow, but well behaved. Father shows no interest.

And then the last day before the holiday arrived. Teachers always get several gifts at Christmas, but mine that year seemed bigger and more elaborate than ever. It seemed like there was not a student who had not brought one.

Teddy’s gift was in the middle of the pile. Its wrapping was a brown paper bag, and he had obviously colored and decorated himself. It was stuck together with masking tape. "For Miss Thompson, from Teddy", it read.

The group was completely silent and for the first time I felt embarrassed because they all stood watching me unwrap the gift. As I removed the last bit of masking tape, two items fell to my desk: a gaudy rhinestone bracelet with several stones missing and a small bottle of dime-store cologne, half empty.

I could hear the snickers and whispers, and I wasn’t sure I could look at Teddy.

"Isn’t this lovely?" I asked, placing the bracelet on my wrist. "Teddy, would you help me fasten it?"

He smiled shyly he fixed the clasp, and I held up my wrist for all of them to admire. There were a few ooh’s and ahh’s, but as I dabbed the cologne behind my ears, all the little girls lined up for a dab behind their ears.

When the day ended the children filed out with shouts of "See you next year!" and "Merry Christmas!" but Teddy waited at his desk. When they had all left, he walked up to me, clutching his gift and books to his chest.

"You smell just like my mom" he said softly. "Her bracelet looks really pretty on you too. I’m glad you like it."

He left quickly. I locked the door, sat down at my desk, and cried. That day I resolved to make up to Teddy what I had deliberately deprived him of - a teacher who cared.

I stayed every afternoon with Teddy from that point on until the last day of school. Sometimes he worked alone while I drew up lesson plans or graded papers. Slowly but surely he caught up with the rest of the class. In fact, his final averages were among the best in the class, and although I knew he would be moving out of the state when school was out, I was not worried for him.

I did not hear from Teddy until seven years later, when his first letter appeared in my mailbox:

Dear Ms. Thompson,
I just wanted you to be the first to know, I will be graduating from high school next month - second in my class!
Very Truly Yours,
Teddy Stallard

I wondered what he would do after graduation. Four years later, Teddy’s second letter came:

Dear Ms. Thompson,
I wanted you to be the first to know. I just found out that I'll be graduating first in my class. College has not been easy, but I liked it.
Very Truly Yours,
Teddy Stallard

I was so proud of him, I could burst!

And now - today - Teddy's last letter:

Dear Ms. Thompson,
I wanted you to be the first to know. As of today, I am Theodore J. Stallard, MD. How about that!!?? I'm going to be married in July, the twenty-seventh to be exact. I wanted to ask you if you would come and sit where my mom would have sat if she were here. I will have no family there as Dad died last year.
Very Truly Yours,
Teddy Stallard

And The Winner Is . . .

2010-03-08T13:39:00.000-08:00

I love movies and I follow them pretty closely. What I don't do, apparently, is ever go see a movie. I only saw a handful of movies at the theater last year and, of the ten movies nominated for best picture this year, I only saw two (2) of them: Avatar and District 9. (And what does the fact that they're both sci-fi films say about me - Sheesh!)

Nevertheless, out of the 24 awards given out at last night's Oscar ceremony, I picked 16 of the winners correctly and five of the six top categories correctly as well. The only one I missed was Best Actress. I know pretty much everyone had future ex-wife Sandra Bullock in their office pools, but I thought the voters might go for Gabourey Sidibe. I know! I know! What was I smoking? Nothing. Well, maybe a cigar Sunday afternoon before the show, but that's it. And then, once I heard Sandra Bullock's acceptance speech, I felt ashamed I hadn't picked her. What she said about her Mom and the quick reference to her way too cool husband was pretty dang sweet.

A few other observations:

* And speaking of smoking something, was Jeff Bridges loopy or what?

* And was it just me or did George Clooney look like he wanted to punch the camera every time it turned on him? I can understand why he might have felt that way because every time they showed him, what I really wanted was for the camera to pan to his right to see the, uh, semi-attractive woman he brought as his plus one for the event. If I knew who she was, she'd be on my future ex-wives list for sure.

* Speaking of which, I'm adding 59 year old Kathryn Bigelow to that list too.

* And if you caught Mo'Nique's acceptance speech, be sure to catch Kenan Thompson's version from Weekend Update on SNL last Saturday. You should be able to find it on Hulu.com.

I am probably most proud of picking four of the five feature / short films correctly:
* Animated Feature (Up)
* Animated Short (Logorama)
* Documentary Feature (The Cove)
* Documentary Short (Music By Prudence)
* And - the only one I missed - Live Action Short (The New Tenants).
Didn't see even ONE of the nominees in any of these categories. Just based my choices on what little I had read about them.

So, now I just gotta catch all these movies when they come out on some basic cable channel. Or never, as the case may be.

Worstest Ever

2010-03-04T19:02:00.001-08:00

Because I’m a lazy slacker I decided there was no reason to come up with a new idea to write about on my blog. So, I thought I’d just take last week’s post and flip it! Here, then, are some nominees for “Peter Milliron’s ‘WORST EVER’ Awards*”

WORST Song EVER
This award goes to the artist for a song that is so awful it probably should not even be considered music – especially since once I hear it I can’t get the dang thing out of my head!
* Funkytown – Lipps Inc (Easily the worst song ever!)
* Knights in White Satin – Moody Blues (A close second!)
* Stairway to Heaven – Led Zeppelin (And I LOVE Led Zeppelin!)
* Fernando – ABBA (Or pretty much anything by ABBA, really.)
* Shiny, Happy People - R.E.M.
* Muskrat Love – America or Captain & Tenille (Is this song really about what I think it’s about?)
* Ooops, I Did It Again - Britney Spears
* Feelings – Morris Albert (Uh, duh!)
* You Light Up My Life – Debby Boone (Uh, double duh!)

WORST Movie EVER
This award goes to a movie that I think is just unwatchable. I may not have even seen the entire movie but I did see enough of it to know how gut-wrenchingly bad it is.
* Waterworld (Kevin Costner. Stupid, stupid, stupid movie. Especially at the end when they find a couple of dead people on the top of Mt. Everest and say something about “It was their way.”)
* Thieves (A movie I saw back in the late 70s with Marlo Thomas and Charles Grodin.)
* Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. (Saw this the Christmas it came out. Even at 10 I knew it was bad.)
* Let’s Throw Momma From the Train (Let’s throw Danny Devito from the train.)
* Out of Africa. (A gorgeously filmed movie about two selfish characters that I couldn’t have cared less about.)

WORST TV Show EVER
This award goes to a TV Series that stands heads above others in terms of being poorly written, stupid and seemingly just thrown together.
* Real World vs. Road Rules (Self centered brats from two shows about being totally selfish, proving that they’re not even worthy of being called self centered brats.)
* Barney & Friends (I know I shouldn’t bash a kids show but come on, this one had NO REDEEMING VALUE!)
* The Ropers (As if Three’s Company wasn’t bad enough)
* Any show with Chris Matthews as the host.
* 24 (Every episode pretty much totally unbelievable.)

WORST Book EVER
This award goes to the author of a book that I actually read (so potential nominees like the Twilight series or anything by Nicholas Sparks or Mitch Albom are not eligible) but is so stupid, pretentious or poorly written that I know I could have done better.
* You Suck, Christopher Moore (one of my favorite authors, by the way)
* Catcher In The Rye, J.D. Salinger (Who cares what happens to Holden Caulfield anyway?)
* The ‘Left Behind’ series, Tim LaHaye and Jerry Jenkins (Jerry Jenkins is a good writer and this doesn’t really have anything to do with whether I believe or don’t believe in how the world might come to an end. They’re just dumb and demeaning books)
* A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius, Dave Eggers (The title is so totally wrong.)
* Cold Mountain, Charles Frazier (Oh please. Who cares about your painful journey back from the Civil War?)

WORST Food EVER
This award goes to the food that is so disgusting that I cannot imagine ever enjoying it, no matter how well-prepared / disguised it might be. I can imagine throwing it up, however.
* Brussels’ Sprouts (I know this one comes as no surprise)
* Tofu (If you like the feel of snot in your mouth, you might just enjoy it, but not me!)
* Spam (From the contraction “Spiced Ham.” More like “Whaddya get when you mix all the leftover parts of a pig – including snouts, feet, tails, etc. – with about 20 pounds of salt?”)
* Miracle Whip (Like vodka, it ruins everything it touches.)
* Cucumbers
* Hard boiled eggs (They taste awful; make me gag and the yolk somehow magically absorbs every bit of liquid within a 100 mile radius.)
* Deviled eggs (See above entry and multiply the awfulness by 10)
* Potato salad (Often involves the use of Miracle Whip but more importantly, only a limited amount of things should be mixed with potatoes. Butter and salt, of course. Bacon bits. Maybe sour cream. Maybe cheese. Milk if mashed. All other other substances should be banned.)
* Green Bell Peppers. (All other peppers are fine.)
* Raw onions / green onions (Cooked onions: Yum! Raw onions: Not what God intended.)
* Watermelon, cantaloupe and pretty much every other melon.)

WORST Drink EVER
This award goes to a beverage that just seems to wanna make me gag every time I drink it – which I don’t usually do since once was enough.
* Light beer (Motto: Just drink water!)
* Any diet sodas (Someday the FDA is gonna tell us that all them artificial sweeteners are gonna kill us!)
* Any drink with vodka in it. (Vodka’s motto: We ruin everything!)
* Tomato Juice / Bloody Mary. (see vodka, above)
* Earl Grey Tea.
* Coffee with sugar in it. (And let me just tell you that if you ever go to breakfast with Shawn Crawford, prepare to be grossed out by how many packets of sugar he puts in his coffee!)
* Those weird Asian teas with the bubbles and round chunks of stuff in them.
* Tonic water (Mixed with gin and lime it becomes a healing elixir, however!)

WORST Politician EVER
This award goes to the politician (or political commentator) that knowingly tells lies, hides their misdeeds, rips off taxpayers or is just an all around jerk. I realize that could be most of them but these are my faves.
* John Edwards (Jerk. Liar. And a few other words not fit for a family newspaper.)
* New Gingrich (Mega hypocrite for leading the charge to impeach Bill Clinton while all the while cheating on his wife of 17 years with a 23 year old.)
* Neil Goldschmidt (I am just way to uncomfortable talking about this one.)
* Richard Nixon (One word: Watergate. Worst. Ever.)
* Ann Coulter (Oh sure, I’d go out with her if she asked but does she ever actually think about what she’s gonna say before she says it?)

WORST Religious Leader EVER
I realize this is an especially sensitive area but it really galls me when people do awful things in the name of God. Especially when they abuse others and / or con people into giving them money.
* Benny Hinn
* Paul & Jan Crouch
* Warren Jeffs
* Tony Alamo
* Mullah Muhammad Omar and the other leaders of the Taliban (I think Muslims are great. Just not these guys.)

WORST Athlete EVER
This award goes to the athlete I believe either could not live up to their expectations and/or is such a jerk that I just can’t stand ‘em!
* Roger Clemens, MLB Pitcher, lying drug user, tool.
* Pete Rose – MLB player, gambler, living in denial.
* Sam Bowie, NBA player. Drafted by Portland instead of Michael Jordan and then faded into non-existence
* O.J. Simpson, NFL player, sports memorabilia dealer, murderer and, oh yeah, habitual liar
* Tonya Harding, Ice skater, thug, crack smoker and, oh yeah, an athlete participating in a non-sport!

WORST Sport EVER
This award goes to a sports (or maybe a non-sports) event that is soooo painfully dull or so bizarrely outrageous that I just don’t think it should be allowed to live.
* Synchronized swimming. (The worst of all the non-sports!)
* Cross country skiing (It is soooo boring watching the athletes push themselves along the course. Skis were made to go downhill.)
* Arm wrestling.
* Race walking. (It looks stupid because it is stupid.)
* Noodling. (Okay, I’m fascinated by this. It’s fishing for ginormous catfish by diving underwater, looking for them in hollow logs, caves and other out of the way places and attempting to catch them by jamming your arm down their throat! What sane person would do this?)
* Sumo wrestling. (I know this is supposed to be an ancient high art form but we all know it’s just a couple of fat guys playing tummy tussle in diapers.)
* Bullfighting. (I’ve been to a bull fight and it’s morbidly fascinating but – news flash – the bull dies a slow painful death. Not as fun as you might think.)

*Nominees are subject to change without notice because I just did this off the top of my head and will probably think of eight or ten more nominees in each category over the next few years.

O Canada!

2010-03-01T13:33:00.000-08:00

The Olympics are over but could it have ended with anything more exciting than that USA / Canada gold medal hockey game? Wow! It was hard fought by both teams all the way. The U.S. ties it up with 25 seconds to go in the third period and throws it into overtime. And then some Taylor Lautner look-a-like scores the game winning goal. And.The.Crowd.Goes.Wild!

True Confession: I was glued to the Canada / Norway gold medal curling event on Saturday. Not proud of it but it is what it is. And I'm not gonna pretend I really understand how curling works but it appears to be kinda like shuffleboard or horseshoes, which, uh, now that I think about it, I don't really understand how scoring works in those games either. However, what was clear to me is that the Canadians kicked the weirdest pants I have ever seen off of the Norwegians.

Which reminds me, - a cool moment in the curling gold medal game came near the end when the crowd started singing O Canada. It came out of nowhere and brought everything to a complete halt for a couple of minutes. How inspiring must that have been for the Canadian team? And at the medal ceremony for the hockey game, the entire crowd sang along as O Canada was played. It made me proud to be a Canadian! Oh wait, that's not right. I'm proud to be an American but when was the last time you heard about anyone in this country spontaneously breaking into singing the national anthem? We might have some things to learn about national pride from the folks up in the Great White North.

We now return you to your regular programming - which to me means that I now get a part of my life (or lack thereof) back, by not watching four hours of Olympic coverage every night!

Bestest Ever

2010-02-26T13:55:00.000-08:00

Because I don’t have a real life and because what little bit of life I do have revolves around ME, I find myself thinking about stuff like, “What’s the best movie / TV show / book / song / athlete ever? So, just for fun, without spending a lot of time thinking about my answers, here are some nominees in a few categories of “Peter Milliron’s ‘Best Ever’ Awards*”

BEST Written Song EVER
This award goes to the composer of a song that, regardless of the artist performing it, or the production values or other external factors, is just so amazing all by itself that you can’t help being moved emotionally by the song.
* Send in the Clowns – Steven Sondheim, composer
* Hallelujah – Leonard Cohen, composer
* Take Five – Dave Brubeck / Paul Desmond, composers
* Rhapsody in Blue – George Gershwin, composer
* Amazing Grace, John Newton, Composer

BEST Favorite Song EVER
This award goes to the artist whose version of a song is so cool or so catchy that I just LOVE IT, even if the song itself is really kinda dumb.
* Ain’t Going Down ‘Til The Sun Comes Up – Garth Brooks
* Money for Nothin’ – Dire Straits
* We Won’t Get Fooled Again – The Who
* Love Shack – B-52s
* In The House, Jurassic 5

BEST Made Movie EVER
This award goes to the director of a movie that, in my opinion, has put together an almost perfect movie. It may not by my favorite movie but it’d tough for anyone to argue that it’s not a GREAT movie.
* Shindler’s List – Steven Spielberg
* Citizien Kane – Orson Welles
* Million Dollar Baby – Clint Eastwood
* Mystic River – Clint Eastwood
* To Kill A Mockingbird, Robert Mulligan

BEST Favorite Movie EVER
This award goes to the movie that I think is just such a blast to watch that I can’t quit thinking about it. It just sticks with you and is worth watching again and again.
* Casablanca
* Princess Bride
* Thing You Do
* Star Wars – A New Hope
* Raiders of the Lost Ark

BEST Made TV Show EVER
This award goes to a TV Series that stands heads above others in terms of quality, mostly in terms of how well written and well produced it is.
* The West Wing
* St. Elsewhere
* Murder One
* Dexter
* Mad Men

BEST Favorite TV Show EVER
This award goes to the show that I just love watching no matter how cheesy it may be at times. More of an addiction than anything.
* Lost
* Survivor
* Seinfeld
* Sports Night
* Dexter

BEST Written Book EVER
This award goes to the author of a book that is so well written that I just was in awe as I read it.
* Lonesome Dove, Larry McMurtry
* East of Eden, John Steinbeck
* To Kill A Mockingbird, Harper Lee
* What’s So Amazing About Grace, Philip Yancey
* The Story of Edgar Sawtelle, David Wroblewski

BEST Favorite Book EVER
This award goes to the author of a book that I think is just so much fun to read that you can’t put it down. Probably should be titled Best Guilty Pleasure Book Ever . . .
* The DaVinci Code, Dan Brown
* Presumed Innocent, Scott Turow
* Where the Red Fern Grows, Wilson Rawls
* Pandora’s Star, Peter F. Hamilton
* Lonesome Dove, Larry McMurtry

BEST All-Around Athlete EVER
This award goes to the individual athlete that I believe is not only impressive in his / her particular sport but is just an all around great person.
* Curt Shilling, Pitcher
* David Robinson, San Antonio Spurs - Basketball
* Joe Montana, Quarterback
* Dave Dravecky, Pitcher

BEST Sports Event EVER
This award goes to a moment in sports that just blew me away. Might be a single second of an event, or a game or a full series. Just something that never goes away . . .
* Kirk Gibson hitting a walk-off (or limp-off) home run in the 1988 World Series
* Portland Trail Blazers winning the 1977 NBA Championship
* The Boston Red Sox beating the Yankees and going on to with the World Series in 2004
* Franz Klammer’s run to win the gold medal in the downhill at the 1976 Olympics

* Nominees are subject to change without notice because I just did this off the top of my head and will probably think of eight or ten more nominees in each category over the next few years.

Non-Sportsmanlike Attitude

2010-02-24T11:32:00.000-08:00

True Confession Time: I will go to my grave believing figure skating is a non-sport. So, imagine my frustration at getting sucked into Women's Figure Skating last night! I didn't actually watch all the performances - only 3 or 4, actually - but, in spite of my better judgement, I got hooked on a couple of the stories.

First, whatshername from Korea. Holy cow she has some pretty high expectations on her shoulders but she comes into the games as the favorite, so she must be pretty dang good. AND let me just say, that anyone who uses music from James Bond films is always gonna get my vote. Not that they let me vote, of course, but since it's not a sport anyway, why can't I vote? Just askin' . . .

And second, is there a better story at the Olympics than whatshername from Canada whose mother died on Sunday? Hearing Dan Jansen talk about what it was like to compete on the day his sister died helped put things in perspective. That made watching her skate even more dramatic. How hard must that have been? Wow!

So, now I'm hooked. And I hate myself for it. I'll be rooting for the Canadian whatshername and expect to continue to be impressed with the Korean whatshername.

In other news, Abe Vigoda is 89 today. Just thought you'd wanna know.

Winter Olympics - Early Observations

2010-02-17T12:42:00.000-08:00

So, the Winter Olympics are in full swing and here are a couple of early observations:

1. I have added gold medal winner Hannah Kearney to my list of future ex-wives because she wore a Jacoby Ellsbury (Boston Red Sox outfielder and Madras Oregon native) t-shirt to the opening ceremony under her Olympic gear. This in spite of the fact that she competes in a judged event, which violates my "What Constitutes a Sport?" standards.

2. This may go down as the worst run Olympics ever. The Olympic flame thingy didn't work right at the opening ceremonies. Events have been delayed because of lack of snow. The zambonis at the speed skating oval ain't icing right - all three of them. And the luge course apparently should not be used by mere mortals.

3. NBC drives me nuts by holding off on broadcasting the big events until prime time. Not because I all too often find out the results before then BUT even when I don't, I can usually figure them out. For example, on Saturday, when they showed Apollo Anton Ohno's race before going out to the moguls event I knew it must have meant Ohno didn't get a gold medal and that future ex-wife Kearney had. Had Ohno gotten gold, that race would certainly have been the last thing of the night.

4. Lindsay Vonn is not unattractive. Or Gretchen Bleiler, for that matter. But that one figure skater with the clown eyebrows - yikes! (And for those of you more interested in male competitors, I invite you to submit your own observations because, based on my sexual orientation, I am unable to judge your team properly.)

I'm Not A Believer

2010-02-12T12:11:00.000-08:00

Last week I rambled on about some things I believe. This week I thought I’d go the other direction. Here are a few things I DON’T believe . . .

* I don’t believe light beer is worth drinking. If that’s your best choice, go with water.

* I don’t believe we are alone in the universe

* I don’t believe anything is as addicting as Kentucky Fried Chicken.

* I don’t believe I really should have admitted that.

* I don’t believe battery operated dogs are really dogs at all.

* I don’t believe the NBA is worth watching.

* I don’t believe the world will end if terrorists are tried in the United States.

* I don’t believe I would make it to the end of Survivor without A) dying or B) getting kicked off because others would see me as a threat because of my superior game-play.

* I don’t believe I would make it to the end of The Amazing Race without A) dying or B) getting beat out in that final run to the check point at each leg of the race.

* I don’t believe redistributing the wealth is a bad thing. Well, maybe that’s not quite right. I don’t think we should take money away from those who have it, to give it to people who don’t but I think the rules (tax laws, mostly) should be changed so they don’t favor the “haves” more than the “have nots.”

* I don’t believe Alaska and Hawaii should have been granted statehood. It’s not that I don’t like them but, hey, they ain’t contiguous! And what’s wrong with having just 48 states anyway?

* I don’t believe I will ever understand the stock market.

* I don’t believe in Yetis or Sasquatches. (Sasquatchi?)

* I don’t believe Elvis is still alive.

* I don’t believe it when people say they went to Vegas and “broke even.” They are always lying just to make themselves feel better.

* I don’t believe Stairway to Heaven is a great song. Or even a good song.

* I don’t believe Knights in White Satin even qualifies as music.

* I don’t believe Steely Dan has ever made a bad album

* I don’t believe Clint Eastwood could make a really awful movie, even if he tried.

* I don’t believe that attending church every Sunday is the best way to get to know God.

* I don’t believe exercise is worth all the pain and suffering. (Obviously!)

* I don’t believe how messed up families can get.

* I don’t believe anyone is fully sane or fully crazy. We’re all along the continuum somewhere.

* I don’t believe eating seaweed will ever seem like a good idea to me but eating sushi always will.

* I don’t believe curling should be a sport OR that it makes any sense at all. That doesn’t mean I don’t love watching it.

* I don’t believe any sport is weirder than the biathlon. Skiing and shooting. Who came up with that idea?

* I don’t believe I was correct that no sport is weirder than the biathlon, because I just remembered “noodling.” Noodling is that weird method of catching catfish where you dive down in the water, shove your arm down the enormous throat of a catfish and wrestle it to the surface. That is the weirdest sport. Ever. Period. The End. Amen.

* I don’t believe I will ever look good with my shirt off.

* I don’t believe that even once in my life two women have ever looked at me, turned to each other and said, “He’s hot.”

* I don’t believe that future ex-wives, Erin Andrews, Evangeline Lilly, Amanda Peet, Lauren Graham or Diane Lane will ever even look at me, let alone say, “He’s hot.”

* I don’t believe I really care.

* I don’t believe Mother Teresa was perfect. I am almost certain she had a gambling addiction.

* I don’t believe I have any basis for saying that Mother Teresa had a gambling addiction.

* I don’t believe Star Trek is as good as Star Wars

* I don’t believe that when people say they “don’t believe in” something, that’s really what they mean to say. For example, to say, “I don’t believe in marriage” strictly speaking means that you don’t believe it exists – but marriage definitely exists. What you really mean to say is something like “I don’t believe marriage is worthwhile because eventually two people grow apart and then one of them decides to bail on the other and from that point it just gets really messy so the whole thing is just a waste of time.” (This bitter editorial comment brought to you by someone who believes marriage is the relationship equivalent of Chantix. Chantix: When you want to stop smoking but still want to do something that will probably kill you.)

Maybe It's Just Me . . .

2010-02-11T14:32:00.000-08:00

Have you seen those commercials for Chantix, that stop smoking drug? Next time notice how much of the commercial is spent on the whole dang disclaimer! It's ridonkulous! Scared me so bad I don't ever wanna meet someone who's using it! Yeesh! I'm going from memory but here's what I think they say . . .

Some people have had changes in behavior, hostility, agitation, depressed mood, suicidal thoughts or actions while using CHANTIX to help them quit smoking. Some people had these symptoms when they began taking CHANTIX, and others developed them after several weeks of treatment or after stopping CHANTIX. If you, your family, or caregiver notice agitation, hostility, depression, or changes in behavior, thinking, or mood that are not typical for you, or you develop suicidal thoughts or actions, anxiety, panic, aggression, anger, mania, abnormal sensations, hallucinations, paranoia, or confusion, stop taking CHANTIX and call your doctor right away. Also tell your doctor about any history of depression or other mental health problems before taking CHANTIX, as these symptoms may worsen while taking CHANTIX. In clinical trials, the most common side effects of CHANTIX include: Nausea, sleep problems, constipation, gas and/or vomiting. These are not all the side effects of CHANTIX. Ask your doctor or pharmacist for more information on the possibility of projectile diarrhea, stigmata, uncontrolled Lambata dancing, spontaneous combustion or our personal favorite, the ability to remove the top of your skull because some otherworldly force has sliced it open and installed a hinge, for easy access. And we’re not just talking about side affects lasting more than four hours, like some other medications out there, we mean you should call your doctor right away after, oh say, the first time you kick your dog, put your kids in a closet or murder your neighbor. Or maybe just start smoking again because, after all, if smoking doesn’t kill you, CHANTIX will!

I'm A Believer

2010-02-05T12:05:00.000-08:00

By now, you guys know pretty much everything there is to know about me. (I guess that just shows how shallow I am.) That fact sometimes makes it tough to come up with ideas for this blog.

Last night as I drifted off to sleep I thought, “Hey, since you’re just layin’ here anyway, what are you gonna write about on your blog, for Pete's sake?” Out of nowhere (or maybe somewhere outta Tulsa) came the thought, “Why don’t you tell them what you believe?” Ignoring the fact that apparently when I’m thinking, I ask myself questions, as if I am being interviewed, I thought, “Great idea Dude!” In this case the phrase “great idea” really means, “that’ll be easy” because once I had the idea this hummer just about wrote itself.

Before I plunge in, one mild disclaimer. They say the three things you should NEVER talk about in mixed company are politics, religion and sex. So, let’s start with those . . .

* I believe God exists. He (or she, if that works better for you) isn’t dead. He’s out there somewhere. Your mileage may vary.

* I believe it takes as much faith to NOT believe in God as it does to believe in God.

* I believe God wants to be known and wants to know us. As a pet owner, I’m amazed at how much I care about little old Rudy AND, weirdly, how much she seems to care about me. Every night when I come home, she jumps all over me as if she was worried I might not come back! I kinda think relationship has some parallels to my relationship with God.

* I believe God is not a cosmic killjoy. I understand what it means to fear God but I don’t think we need to be afraid of him. I think God laughs and plays. And that he would kick some serious butt on Jeopardy.

* I believe we’re all jerks but God loves us anyway. I know this is cynical but I am convinced we all have “stuff” in our lives that isn’t very pleasant. Things we’ve done or things we’ve thought about doing that we wouldn’t want anyone else to know about. Some of us are better at hiding it than others. Some of us are better at rising above all the stuff in our lives, but it’s still there and affects what we do every day.

* I believe LeBron James should be the Greatest Athlete of All-Time if for no other reason than that Michael Jordan and Tiger Woods have turned out to be such jerks. But God loves them anyway.

* I believe that people who complain about the date, location or logistics of a way cool party that you don’t have to pay a dime for because someone else is footing the bill for meals, music, lodging, fabulous gifts and prizes, etc., fit into the jerk category. Life is about choosing your priorities. If you want to be there and it works to attend – GREAT! If something else is more important, don’t go. But don’t complain. However, if you choose to complain anyway, God still loves you.

* I believe that almost everyone believes abortion should be legal and accessible. Where we differ is in terms of degree. Some believe abortion is appropriate when the mother’s life is in danger. Or in the case of rape or incest. Others believe it’s an appropriate alternative when the child is unwanted or would be too great a burden for the parents. Some believe its okay when parents want to ensure the gender of the child. There are very few people who believe abortion is always, without question, wrong. We just like to argue about where the line should be drawn.

* I believe it is inconsistent to be opposed to abortion and support capital punishment. Killing is either right or wrong.

* I believe killing is wrong.

* I believe I would kill anyone who tried to harm my family.

* I believe that would be wrong.

* I believe I would do it anyway.

* I believe John McCain could have been one of the greatest President’s in history. Not the watered down, vanilla John McCain that ran in 2008 but the fiery, passionate, decisive, plain-spoken John McCain from years past. Before his body was overtaken by aliens from the planet Skrull.

* I believe Barack Obama is the best President in my lifetime.

* I believe most of you don’t believe that.

* I believe “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” is dumb. And wrong.

* I believe allowing same-sex marriage and/or same-sex parentage does not lead to the destruction or desecration of families. Heterosexuals have done a pretty good job of screwing up families all on their own.

* I believe the time and energy devoted to restricting same-sex relationships should be redirected to keeping couples and families together.

* I believe most people hold prejudices that make them at least a little bit bigoted.

* I believe we have found ways to talk about people of other ethnic backgrounds without appearing to be racists. Either through subtle uses of humor (DWA) or by not mentioning ethnicity in any specific way (Everyone should speak English!). It’s still racist. In my book anyway.

* I believe that making English the official and only language in the United States is wrong. We need to learn to communicate better and more effectively with each other – regardless of what our native language or the color of our skin might be. We don’t need to erect more barriers between people. Unless we think an eternal World War III sounds like fun.

* I believe that if we want to be truly committed about stopping illegal immigration, we all have to leave the United States immediately. None of our ancestors (unless you are a full blooded Native American) presented themselves to the original inhabitants of this continent with proper documentation that was accepted by the existing government, such as it may have been at the time. We just showed up and felt no permission was necessary.

* I believe the Beavers have a better football program than the Ducks.

* I believe Chip Kelly is the best coach in the Pac-10.

* I believe the best Cheetos are the fried / crunchy ones

* I believe there is no place in the universe for the baked / puffy Cheetos.

* I believe Brussels’ Sprouts are natures Anthrax.

* I believe The Beatles are the greatest musicians of the last century. Or maybe Miles Davis.

* I believe the best movie ever made is Schindler’s List.

* I believe Erin Andrews will probably never be my future ex-wife.

* I believe it’s probably best if no one is ever my future ex-wife.

I believe that none of you believe all these same things and that is part of what makes life so cool! We’re all so dang different! The fact that you may believe Obama is the worst President ever or that there is no God or that baked Cheetos are better than fried Cheetos is GREAT! I don’t have to hate you or kill you because you believe something different than me.

I believe it would be a good idea for us to talk about our beliefs once in a while. Out in the open. Not in secret, as if sharing our individual beliefs might somehow be dangerous or threatening!

I believe that, in the end, one of us may be right or one of us may be wrong OR (and this seems far more likely) both of us will be wrong. So, until we get to “the end” (whatever you believe that to be) I’m thinking we should enjoy the fact that we’re all different! And talk about it more.

But if you believe something different about Brussels’ Sprouts than I do – you’re wrong! Period. End of discussion. You're dead to me.

Bah-Stun!

2010-01-22T14:45:00.000-08:00

I took a few days off recently to visit my son, Jake, and his girlfriend, Rachel, (as opposed to “fiancé, Rachel,” which she would be if he had asked her to marry him, which would be a good idea since they have already made plans to get married in May in Kalispell, Montana) who live in Boston. Not that you care about my vacation experiences but I thought I’d jot down a few observations I made while I was there. Who knows? Maybe this information will come in handy for your next trip to Beantown!

1. Language barriers: Nothing is pronounced the way it looks. For example:
* Chowder is “chow-duh”
* Harvard is “Hah-vud”
* The town of “Worcester” is pronounced “Woo-ster.”
* Likewise, the town of "Gloucester" is pronounced “Glaw-ster”
* The town of Peabody, isn’t pronounced “PEA-baw-dee” but “Pea-BUH-dee”
* My favorite is “Quincy” which is pronounced, “Kwin-zee”

2. Higher Education: There is a college on EVERY corner! Sure, everyone knows Harvard is there and MIT. And it only makes sense that Boston College would be in Boston, but here’s a couple of others:

* Boston University
* Northeastern University
* Suffolk University
* Simmons University
* Emerson College
* Berklee College of Music
* Bay State College
* Bentley College
* Boston Conservatory
* Boston Theological Institute
* Brandeis University
* Cambridge College
* Curry College
* Eastern Nazarene College
* Emmanuel College
* Endicott College
* Fisher College
* Gordon College
* Gordon-Conwell Theological Seminary
* Harvard Business School
* Hellenic College
* College of the Holy Cross
* Labouré College
* Lasell College
* Lesley College
* Longy School of Music
* Massachusetts College of Art
* Merrimack College
* Mount Ida College
* New England Conservatory of Music
* New England School of Law
* Pine Manor College
* Radcliffe College
* Regis College
* Salem State College
* Stonehill College
* Tufts University
* Wellesley College
* Wentworth Institute of Technology
* Wheaton College
* Wheelock College

3. Dunkin’ Donuts: On every other corner from where there is a college you’ll find, not Starbucks (like we do out west) but Dunkin’ Donuts! Everyone goes to Dunkin’ Donuts! Lines OUT THE DOOR in the mornings. It’s crazy! And I hate to say this but their regular old ordinary coffee is not that bad. Honest! And if you want cream or sugar in your coffee, you won’t find it on a counter in the lobby; the folks behind the counter take care of it for you. And apparently they also sell donuts.

4. Irish Pubs: So, colleges on one corner, Dunkin’ Donuts on another and on the third you'll usually find an Irish pub. I guess this makes sense given the size of Boston’s Irish community but for a beer guy like me, it was a dream come true. If I could go back and visit just ONE PLACE it would be Brendan Behan’s Irish Pub in Jamaica Plain, a suburb of Boston. Great atmosphere, nice beer selection, friendly staff AND DOGS ARE ALWAYS WELCOME! My kinda place!

5. Beer: Speaking of beer, the quality is MUCH better than what I’ve found in D.C. or New York City. Lots of craft brewers in the area. A beer snob like me managed to find some good things to drink. And the Sam Adams Brewery tour is pretty fun - even if their beer isn't the greatest.

6. Roads: I believe the road system in the Boston area was laid out using the time honored “wherever horses and wagons used to go, that’s where we’ll put a road” system. No real grids like we’re used to out west. Everything just kinda winds around and the streets change name without notice. Good luck finding anything!

7. Not So Magnetic North: This is the only place I’ve ever visited where I could not tell which direction was North! No matter which way I pointed, Jake would almost always point in a completely different direction. Also, I’m pretty sure things like Fenway Park, the USS Constitution, the Old North Church are nowhere near where they’re marked on maps.

8. The Freedom Trail: This marks a path you can follow from one Revolutionary War site to another. The fine folks in Boston have conveniently laid a set of bricks (two bricks wide) along the length of the trail. If you follow it you’d see things like Paul Revere’s statue, Faneuil Hall, the old statehouse and the Bunker Hill Monument. Except you don’t really ever follow it. It just turns up every block or so. Out of nowhere. (It was kinda fun to see the first Dunkin’ Donuts where Paul Revere picked up a cup of coffee for his ride, though.)

9. Mike’s Pastry Shop: This is a cool place (owned by an Italian family) that has all the best types of pastry confections – especially cannoli! On a late Sunday afternoon the place was packed! If you go, be sure to get a Boston Cream Puff. And then don’t plan on eating dessert for another three months or so.

10. Fenway Park: This is on my bucket list of places to go before I die. Unfortunately, even though I pretty much walked around the entire ballpark, I didn’t get to go in. Apparently the Red Sox were on a road trip.

11. The Weather: Before I left Jake told me that while the temperatures might be in the 30s and 40s, the wind chill will kill a guy. He was right! There’s no stopping it. You cannot be too bundled up in that town!

12. Museum of Science: Jake works at the Museum of Science in Boston. This is kinda like OMSI but about ten times the size. His office looks out onto the Charles River at the skyline of downtown Beantown. Actually, his office is ON the Charles River because, for some reason, they built the Museum of Science on the Charles River. In any event, it’s a nerd’s paradise! (And, yes, I guess I am calling my son a nerd.)

Okay, that’s about it. None of this is probably be the least bit helpful if you ever do go to Boston but, chances are, you really didn't read this far are anyway!

BCS BS

2010-01-07T12:14:00.000-08:00

So, tonight is the so-called national title game between Texas and Alabama. Frankly, I couldn't care less. Won't even watch the game probably. It's not that I don't like college football (because after college basketball, it's my FAVORITE sport) but there are two reasons I'm just not that interested:

1. After the Civil War game I was pretty much done with football for the year. It was such a great game (except for the final score) that I just felt nothing could top it. (And based on both teams performances in their bowl games, I think I was right.)

2. More importantly, I'm rebelling against the BCS. It is waaaay past time for the NCAA to have figured out a decent playoff system. However, I'm not holding out much hope that it will happen. Unless fans stand up and rebel against The Man and refuse to accept the status quo. We're mad as hell and we're not gonna take it any more! Until a post season playoff system is implemented, I'm boycotting bowl games. I ain't watching on TV. If OSU gets an invitation to next year's Rose Bowl, I'm staying home. If we don't participate, they'll have to change, right? Attendance falls off; viewership plummets. We'll have a playoff system in no time! So, starting with tonight's national title game (just ask the folks at Boise State if they think this is the REAL national title game or not) I'm boycotting the bowls!

Are you with me people? Okay, maybe not, but that's okay. I'm used to being a loner.

Top Ten Most Fascinating People of 2009

2009-12-24T10:43:00.000-08:00

As you have certainly noticed by now, I’m not very good at coming up with any original ideas. Most of the time I just steal stuff others and twist it around a bit. In years gone by we called this plagiarism. Now it’s referred to as “repurposing.” I do try to give credit where credit is due, however and today’s rant is no different.

Barbara Walters has done her “Most Fascinating People” of the year specials since, oh, I dunno . . . sometime in the early 60s, I think. My niece, Kira Cannon, (on the “new family” side) also thought it was a good idea and came up with her own list of Kira’s To 10 Most Fascinating People of 2009 that she posted on her blog recently. Her’s was so clever that it inspired me to come up with one of my own.

So, whether you agree with me or not (and I would guess most of you will fall in the “or not” category) here is my list of the . . .

Top 10 Most Fascinating People of 2009

David Letterman
I have loved David Letterman from just about the first time I saw him on the old Johnny Carson Tonight Show. I’ve gotta think I’m in the top 5% or so of fans who have seen the most shows. I just love his snide sense of humor (can you tell?) and I think as he’s gotten older, he’s gotten better at what he does. He is a much better interviewer now than he was even ten years ago. When he has a “serious” guest on his show, he doesn’t shy away from tough questions.

This last year was pretty embarrassing for Dave, and justifiably so. He gets married in March and six months later confesses he has had multiple affairs with women who have worked on his staff. Sleazebag! However, I think he handled it in a way that every other celebrity could learn from: He got out in front of it and ‘fessed up. It still takes a lot of nerve to take potshots at Tiger Woods after that though. But I’m sure I’ll keep watching.

Barack Obama
Love him or hate him, there are two things I think just about everyone can agree on: He works hard and he’s not afraid to tackle tough issues.

In all my years of being a political observer (which really just means that instead of celebrity gossip I prefer political gossip) I cannot remember any President trying to do so many things so quickly. The guy is everywhere. On Capitol Hill meeting with members of congress, inviting bankers over for breakfast (whether they want to come or not), at Dover Air Force Base in the middle of the night to witness the return of soldiers killed overseas, meeting with foreign leaders, etc., On top of that, he is making everyone around him work harder. When was the last time you remember Congress working on the weekend or on Christmas Eve, for heaven’s sake.

On top of that, he’s got chutzpah, courage, audacity or whatever you wanna call it. There doesn’t seem to be many things he’s afraid of. One of my favorite stories of the year is from last week at the Climate Conference in Copenhagen. The leaders of China, Brazil, India and South Africa, were huddled in a conference room strategizing how they could get their way. President Obama reportedly said there was no way he was going to let them negotiate in secret. So, he and Secretary of State Clinton burst in, uninvited, to their meeting. That approach broke the logjam and resulted in an agreement being struck. (Albeit one that ain’t all that great.)

You may not like the direction he’s trying to take the country, but you gotta think he gets an “A” for effort. Or at least an “E.”

Michael Franti
I love LOTS of different kinds of music. I listen to lots of jazz. I love slow, mournful-sounding songs – especially the standards. I love music that is fast and loud as well. Melody Gardot, Raphael Saadiq, John Mayer, Jurassic 5, Lyrics Born, John Butler Trio, Miles Davis, Soulive, are all artists that I listen to in heavy rotation.

This year, however, I discovered someone who had slipped under the radar for me: Michael Franti. Elizabeth and I wandered into his concert at Seattle’s Bumbershoot Festival back in August and were blown away with how good he is. Every song had the crowd on their feet singing and dancing. (Well, except for me - I have a “No dancing” clause in my contract.) His songs are infectious and almost all have a great message associated with them. If you ever get a chance to see him perform, don’t pass it up.

Richard Davis / Rick Hartnack
Okay, I cheated and picked two guys but both of them work for U.S. Bank and I kinda lump ‘em together.

Richard Davis, the Chairman and CEO, has demonstrated this year that he has an enormous amount of integrity. (How many other CEOs do you know that took a pay cut and turned down their bonuses?) He has become a leader in the banking industry and seems to be universally respected.

Rick Hartnack, Vice Chair of Consumer Banking, leads the retail banking side of U.S. Bank. What I appreciate most about his leadership ability is the plainspoken manner he approaches things. He is sometimes colorful, often funny and almost always is there no confusion about where he stands.

U.S. Bank is lucky to have a couple of guys like this running things around here!

Seth Meyers
I’ve always been a big fan of Saturday Night Live. I think these last couple of seasons have been among the best ever. Some of the political skits – especially when Tina Fey portrays Sarah Palin – have been hysterical. Andy Samberg’s “Digital Shorts” and Kristin Wiig’s weird characters can always be counted on to be solid. And Kenan Thompson and Jason Sudeikas just make me laugh by showing up.

But the person that I think is the linchpin in it all is Seth Meyers. He is the head writer and “Weekend Update” anchor. He has a clever, snarky sense of humor and delivers every line with a glint in his eye.

Donna Brazile
Never heard of her? I’m not surprised. Unless you’re a political junkie, she might not be someone you know. She is a Democratic political strategist and frequent guest on news shows – especially CNN and ABC. I like her because she is a voice of reason in what often is a shout-fest on those kinda shows. Plus, she has a great sense of humor that she doesn’t let show very often. I also was blown away by things she said about her African American ancestors having built the steps of the U.S. Capitol where Barack Obama took the oath of office.

Damon Lindlehof / Carlton Cuse
Okay, I lumped two more people together but in this case they are almost always referred to as one entity. In fact most people just refer to them as “Darlton.” These guys are the Executive Producers of LOST. As the show runners they have probably done more than any others in keeping one of the coolest shows of all time from falling apart. All too often a show will start off with a great premise and then fizzle out when they can’t figure out how to keep it going. These guys knew where they were going and have kept it on track. I can’t wait for the series finale next May!

Chip Kelly
The State of Oregon is lucky enough to have two of the best coaches in all of Division 1 college football. As much as I love Mike Riley, I gotta say that Chip Kelly is even more impressive! Anyone that can take a team to the Rose Bowl in their first season has got to be considered an outstanding football coach.

On top of that there are two other things that I think make him pretty dang great. First, he says what he thinks – and not much more. I would hate to interview him because all you can expect are one word answers. Some are funny. Almost all are to the point. “Coach, did you consider not going for it on those fourth downs (in the Civil War). Answer: “No.” I love that!

I also like how he handled the LeGarrette Blount situation this year. What a crappy thing to have to deal with after your first game! He stepped in and made sure it was HIS decision; not the university or the new Athletic Director. He owned it. And while there is still some debate about whether or not he should have allowed Blount to ever play again, you gotta love the drama of seeing him come in during the second half of the Civil War and scoring a touchdown. Even the Beaver fans went wild.

John Stewart / Stephen Colbert
If you only get your news from one source, get it from these guys.

The Daily Show with John Stewart gives you the big stories and digs deeper to ferret out the crap behind those stories. It’s often profane but always funny and insightful.

The Colbert Report mocks every “news commentator” show you’ve ever seen. How he stays “in character” like he does is beyond me! After you watch him a while, it’s tough to watch the “real” commentators (O’Reilly, Olbermann and Beck, for example) without wanting to laugh out loud at their antics.

Elizabeth, Jake and Jeremy (Plus Jeremiah, Rachel and Cassie)
As any parent knows, there is an enormous amount of satisfaction watching your kids lives. Whether they are young or old it’s always interesting (and sometimes heartbreaking) to watch them move through life. As my good friend, Robert Currie, always says, “We get to buy the ticket but we don’t get to go on the ride.” Now that my kids are grown, I don’t have to buy the ticket very often but I still live vicariously as they go on the ride. And it is still a blast watching them stretch and grow in all sorts of new ways.

Don’t know what I’d do without them!

Holiday Survey

2009-12-18T11:18:00.000-08:00

Chain letters. Remember those? It’s like being held for ransom. “Do whatever we say in this letter or someone will die!” And as proof they mention some former general in the Philippines who met his untimely demise because he failed to keep the chain going.

These days we get them by email, of course, and usually it says something like: “Forward all your personal information to me and 300 of your closest friends. It will be fun and you’ll probably get a check for a million bucks in the mail, like the friend of my cousin’s auto mechanic did. And if you don’t then a random retired general in the Philippines will surely die.”

So, when I got a holiday “survey” from one of my co-workers (who shall remain nameless), my first reaction was to delete it but then I thought: Hey! This might be just the kind of thing to use in my blog!

So here is my plagiarized and tweaked version of the holiday survey, with my answers included. Feel free to answer these questions – or not. If you do, and want to send me your answers, great! I’ll probably even read ‘em and it’ll give us a chance to get to know each other a little better and, who knows, we might just save the life of a former general in the Philippines!

One more thing. If my responses sound, oh, pathetic, that’s because they are BUT if they sound like I must be horribly miserable and lonely, I’m not. When my kids were growing up we had a TON of traditions. My answers would have looked completely different ten years ago! These days it’s a little different but I still love the holiday and especially love hanging with my family. It just may not seem like it from my answers . . .

1. Real tree, artificial tree, menorah or other?
* No tree. It’s just me and Rudy. I don’t need the hassle and she doesn’t need the extra fiber.

2. Favorite ornament or decoration?
* Well, uh, I know this will come as no surprise from a guy who likes Broadway musicals but I have this “Dickens Village” with a church and house and people and snow and stuff. It even lights up. That’s my favorite.

3. When do you put up the decorations?
* Never. Even the Dickens Village stuff is still in a box in the garage.

4. When do you take down the decorations?
* Uh, were you not paying attention? If I don’t put any up, I don’t have to take any down!

5. Christmas cards by mail or e-mail?
* None of the above. I’m a hermit. And a Scrooge. We don’t send out Christmas cards.

6. When do you start your holiday shopping?
* Around Thanksgiving. This year I pretty much did it all by shopping on Amazon from my recliner on Thanksgiving evening. All the Black Friday deals from the comfort of my own home.

7. Hardest person to buy for?
* These days I pretty much just buy gifts for my kids and their spouse / significant others AND my parents. I have fallen into a routine of buying each kid a book, a DVD, something weird they didn’t ask for but that I think they might like / want and a bunch of random stuff like gift cards and stuff. For my parents, it’s usually a bag of M&Ms for my Mom and a can of peanuts for me Dad. Okay, I usually get them something else – a bit nicer too. So, that leaves Rudy who I usually forget to get anything for – just like I forgot to mention her until now. This year I’m thinking maybe some doggy valium.

8. Easiest person to buy for?
* Me. I know what I like and usually can’t wait for a holiday or birthday to get it. Makes it tough for everyone else though!

9. Are you a regifter?
* Uh, me? No, never! Well, uh maybe, sometimes. But only if it’s something really cool. Or something I wanna get rid of. Or something that’s lying around the house. Other than that, never!

10. Wrapping paper or gift bags?
* I’ve decided I am done with wrapping paper. If I have gift bags I’ll use ‘em. If not, I think I’m now old enough that I can start blaming my lack of wrapping skills on senility. “Yeah, I was gonna wrap it but, well, I couldn’t remember how to fold it so the edges kinda look like an envelope. I forgot everything I learned in Origami class, I guess. So, I hope you don’t mind that I just used an old Glad® lawnmower clippings bag . . .”

11. Favorite gift received as a child?
* No question! The James Bond 007 Attaché Case! It had everything an MI-6 agent could want! A “Rugged Molded Leather Grain Fitted Case With Plated Locks and Hardware.” Although, “Truth in Advertising” was not as important back then cuz what I remember was more like “Easily Cracked Plastic Case with Plastic Locks and Plasticware.” BUT it also had a pistol, with a silencer, which could be converted into a sniper rifle, along with REAL PLASTIC bullets with a hidden plastic dagger, fake passport and a code book. The Aston Martin and the Bond Babe were apparently extra and my parents we too cheap to get them for me. (And if you’re looking for the perfect gift for me, I found it on eBay for only $1,495!)

12. Weirdest gift ever received?
* A baseball mitt. I know that isn’t really all that weird but it was a gift from my Dad. Not my Mom and Dad. Not Santa. Just my Dad. Like my Dad, I was am totally un-athletic. I never went out for sports and my parents never once encouraged me to go out for a sport. I thought: “Well maybe he wants to play catch sometime.” Never came up. Not once. Never said anything about why he gave it to me. I asked him about it a couple of years ago and he had no recollection of it. My best guess is that he got it free and gave it to me just cuz he didn’t know what else to do with it. (If this sounds sad, it’s not. If it sounds pathetic, well, you were warned.)

13. Favorite holiday food?
* This is a tough one. Three things come to mind. My Mom, always a culinary maven, used to make a fruit salad by using a couple of cans of fruit cocktail mixed with whipping cream. What kid wouldn’t like that, huh? When I was married we always had this really great, spicy minestrone soup (more like a stew, really) on Christmas Eve. Oh man I loved that. Nancy got the recipe in the divorce. My new tradition (and new favorite holiday food) is having Dungeness crab, a baguette and (of course) beer for a Christmas Eve meal.

14. Favorite holiday drink?
* Jubelale

15. Favorite Christmas song?
* This is kinda tough. I have always loved holiday music. And every year I buy more. And every year I torture the fine people I work with by playing it too loudly. I don’t think I can pick just one but here’s a few standouts:
* Three Kings by Miles Davis
* Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town by Bruce Springsteen
* I Bought You a Plastic Star for Your Aluminum Christmas Tree by Michael Franks
* Santa’s Comin’ To Town by the Sounds of Blackness
* Baby It’s Cold Outside by James Taylor and Natalie Cole
* Hallelujah from Handel’s Messiah: A Soulful Celebration by Take 6 and a bunch of other folks
* Jingle Bell Rock by Geoff Moore and The Distance.

16. Favorite holiday movie?
* White Christmas. No question about it. Although I love A Christmas Story and A Muppet Christmas Carol (if for no other reason than the line: “Light the lamp, not the rat! Light the lamp, not the rat!”)

17. Travel or stay home at Christmas?
* Stay home! I hate having to go anywhere on Christmas. Bah humbug!

18. Open presents on Christmas Eve or Christmas Morning?
* One present on Christmas Eve – kid selected by parent approved (just in case they choose something too big a deal to open on Christmas Eve). Everything else, including stockings, must wait until Christmas morning. (As required by Oregon state law – ORS.12.25)

19. Can you name all of Santa's reindeer?
* Dasher, Dancer, Prancer and Vixen. Comet and Stupid, Tiger and Leviticus. And Rudolph Giuliani

Let me conclude by passing along my favorite holiday greeting from this year, from Michelle Obama:

"On behalf of the President, Malia, Sasha, Bo and Grandma, we wish everybody a happy holidays, Merry Christmas, a Happy Hanukah, anybody who's out there celebrating anything: Happy!"

So, there you have it. On behalf of the Obama’s and myself: Happy!

As I Get Older

2009-12-11T12:41:00.000-08:00

As I get older, some things that used to be important kinda aren’t so important any longer. Of course, there are other things that now are MORE important than they used to be. The other day I ran across a list someone put together (I wish I could remember who, so I could give them credit) that, in many ways, encompassed this idea. So, here they are – with a few comments of my own:

1. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
* And I’m making up for them now with my pre and post lunch naps

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
* Except for the moment you realized you weren’t wrong after all but still backed down.

3. Was learning cursive really necessary?
* No, but learning to write on a straight edge was vital to my own survival.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
* Until then, I will continue to use Tahoma.

5. Google Maps really needs to start their directions at around step #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
* Although for some reason I cannot get back home from Costco without my GPS

6. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
* “Natural causes” – I mean, come on!

7. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
* Too tired to respond. See #1 above

8. Bad decisions make good stories.
* As evidenced by most everything you ever get from me.

9. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my video collection. Again.
* True story: U.S. Bank - early adopters of the Sony Betamax format

10. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
* For me this is usually about Noon which conveniently coincides with my arrival at work.

11. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page document that I swear I did not make any changes to.
* Not nearly as bad as having your workstation crash in the middle of typing an email though. Not that that would happen with the fine equipment provided by my employer!

12. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this - ever.
* Or “Wash with like colors.” Is orange like red? Or by “like” do they mean that they’re friendly with each other?

13. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
* Okay so this is only half true for me. At work I try to answer every call by the third ring. With my cell phone, I usually don’t answer at all if I can’t determine from Caller ID who the call is from. Or how to answer my phone, which is a recurring issue for me.

14. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
* Uh, totally not true for me. While it might be true to say: “I hate leaving my house” the whole notion of my being “confident and looking good” is not likely. Especially the “looking good” part. In fact, every day I panic over the whole rule about wearing black with brown or blue with black or white after Labor Day or whatever the heck it is.

15. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
* I would never do this! Unless it was a call from, oh say, my Dad on a day when I know he just wants to rant about something and, uh, maybe a few others who shall remain nameless.

16. My 6-year old grandson asked me in the car the other day "Grandpa what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?
* Okay, so I don’t have any grandkids but Rudy does ask some occasionally odd questions.

17. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
* Kinda funny but no. I do think that every room should have a night light, however.

18. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
* I submit this is not possible. Just wad it up, throw it in the drawer and forget about it.

19. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
* And dude, you know who you are!

20. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Coors Lite than Kay.
* Jewelry, crappy beer and kisses. Three things I have virtually no experience with. I’ll just have to trust that this statement is true.

48 Hours

2009-12-05T16:35:00.000-08:00

I know my pitiful life is not all that interesting but there were 48 hours this last week that were pretty jam packed. At least for a lazy slacker like me, anyway. Here are the highlights - or lowlights. You be the judge . . .

Wednesday, December 2nd

Early afternoon: People dropping by the office keep asking, "What the heck is in that ginormous box?" My coworkers politely explain that “Peter lost a bet” and has to pay it back by dressing up as Captain Shield (the U.S. Bank mascot) for an event that night. I remain quietly in my office.

Still early afternoon: a couple of us walk over to the Eugene Hilton to drop off some stuff for tonight’s University of Oregon Alumni Association Tailgate Auction. Even though the mascot suit comes with its own convenient carry bag, it is still a pain in the (insert your own favorite name for the body part normally referred to in this context here) to lug around! I manage to knock down a fellow employee just once on the way over. On the other hand, the Hilton will have to replace a few dozen water glasses that met an untimely demise.

4:30 PM: Back at the Hilton to get dressed for the big event. I believe my rep as a playa was enhanced by wearing this outfit. It certainly couldn’t have been hurt.

5:00 PM: People begin to arrive. I wander around in the lobby and wave my stubby little arms. People mostly just stare but the occasional friendly person will say hello or give me a high five.

5:30 PM: I am already bored. And hot! This is not nearly as much fun as I had hoped. Plus the fan inside the suit (yes there is a fan!) lacks a battery pack. I ask for water and magically it appears.

6:00 PM: Boredom morphs into delirium. Or heat stroke. Or both. With some help, I navigate the hallway to step outside into the cool night air for a bit of a break. A fellow employee claims steam is coming off of me. She hoses me down and we head back inside.

6:15 PM: I am certain that three hours have gone by. My co-worker tells me it’s only been just over an hour.

6:20 PM: I try to take my mind off of things by playing solitaire on my iPhone. I discover that I need my hands for that and they are currently stuck in some kind huge four fingered gloves which makes use of the touch screen impossible.

6:30 PM: My boss comes by and says, “Can I interest you in a deal?” My first thought is that it was one of her “deals” that resulted in me being in this costume but then I think, “what could she do that would be worse than this?” I say, “Sure.” She then tells me that a friend of a senior executive has an extra ticket to the Civil War and she wonders if I could use it. Now I am concerned that maybe she is delirious. (Most of my bosses over the years have gone out of their way to keep me from having contact with anyone important.) I, of course, am happy to snag the ticket and resolve to not embarrass my boss, her boss, her bosses boss or U.S. Bancorp with any inappropriate behavior at the game. (Did I mention that I might have been delirious?)

6:45 PM: I accidentally grope a fellow U.S. Bank employee. Honest - it was an accident! You try wearing that costume and not having at least one or two social faux pas! Out of consideration to the employee, I won’t mention her name here (although my bet is that HR certainly knows her name and is fully aware of this incident. (Anyone know what the statute of limitations is on accidental cartoon character groping?)

7:00 PM: I follow my boss to the front of the room where she makes some great remarks about U.S. Bank, including how much money we have donated to the Alumni Association from the UO Alumni Check Card program. I wave a little, give a “thumbs up” sign or two and even give her a “side hug” without accidentally groping her.

7:15 PM: The costume is off and I get to eat some rubber game hen, surprisingly good asparagus and some kind of cinnamon honey potatoes. (Potatoes should not be sweet. Even sweet potatoes should not be sweet.) I also have the first of a series of gin and tonics.

8:00 PM: Time to head home. I walk to my car with the aforementioned grope victim. She is surprisingly gracious. To the best of my knowledge, no one is injured as I lug back the costume in its ultra-awkward carrying case.

8:30 PM: Rudy greets me at the door, jumping up and down with excitement – as always - and sniffing me because apparently I smell an awful lot like everyone else who has ever worn the Captain Shield outfit.

Thursday, December 3rd

9:30 AM: I arrive at work – early, as usual. Here’s a tip: When lugging an enormous, unwieldy, mascot costume in a big blue canvas bag, expect some stares. Also, do not carry coffee in your “free” hand – because you don’t have one.

10:00 AM: I drink the remaining half of my coffee and begin responding to the emails, phone calls and instant messages about the civil war. For some reason, I have become a magnet for smack talk from Duck fans. And let me just point out that some people, who shall remain nameless.

Noon: The senior executive's good friend drops by with his extra ticket. Turns out the ticket is not all that great. Section 11 on the 50 yard line, Row 40. No beer. Even still I offer to wash his car once a month for the next 30 years.

3:30 PM: I will tell this next part as delicately as I can. I, uh, decide to use the restroom before heading out to the game. I am, uh, in a stall and minding my own business. Someone else is in the stall next to me. As every guy knows, the first rule of Bathroom Club is that you don’t talk – unless you are washing your hands or entering / exiting the rest room. So, imagine my surprise (shock, actually) when the individual in the next stall flashes his deluxe, platinum plated, four wheel drive, nuclear powered Civil War tickets at me from underneath the stall divider! He says something like, “Don’t you wish you had these?” I play along saying that my little 50 yard line ticket does not hold a candle to the luxurious accommodations that await him at the game. And if that weren’t enough (and don’t you think it should be?) he then flashes his VIP parking pass! Sometimes it seems there is no end to the humiliation I must suffer.

4:00 PM: I leave to catch the shuttle bus to Autzen. I stop in the Eugene Main branch to get some one dollar bills for the bus fare. I am dressed in OSU colors. The staff refuses to make change for me.

4:30 PM: I get on the shuttle and make the usual five minute trip to Autzen in just under 45 minutes.

5:30 PM: I make it into the stadium. There is surprisingly, a fair amount of orange and black in the sea of green and yellow.

5:45 PM: I find my seat. Actually the word seat is a bit of a stretch in that the civil engineers who designed the seating for Autzen Stadium believe the average width of the human body is 5.3 inches. Standing seems like the best option.

5:50 PM: “I Love My Ducks” comes up on the Duck Vision screen. Conveniently it cuts to a live shot of the Ducks running out onto the field just before it gets to the scene featuring the Duck mascot. A lawsuit with Disney is averted!

6:00 PM: Kickoff! It’s a balmy 35 degrees! I am warm and toasty due to the 15 layers of clothing I have on PLUS the hand and toe warmers I have left over from the Inauguration last January.

First Half Highlights: I spend much of the first half searching for future-ex-wife, Erin Andrews who is at the game as a sideline reporter for ESPN. Apparently her security contingent became aware of my presence because I was never able to locate her. Other than that, I don’t embarrass myself too badly in front of senior executive’s friend and his family. Well, except for the part where I smacked him on the (insert your own favorite name for the body part normally referred to in this context here) and yelled, “Go Beavs!” It’s at that point I notice that I am the only one wearing orange within a half mile radius. I decide to keep it low key, out of concern for my well being. More importantly – both teams play GREAT. Holy cow.

Halftime: Against my better judgment, I watch both marching bands, out of respect for my band geek friends. Who knew the soundtrack to Back to the Future could be so painfully dull? AND, isn’t it cheating if your marching band has a full ten piece rhythm section playing on the sideline? After they are done I sneak out to get popcorn.

Early 3rd Quarter: I get my popcorn and head down the aisle to row 40. There are two girls sitting at the end of the row that I don’t recognize from earlier. I excuse myself as I move past them to the middle of the section where my seat is. I then step on the toes of a couple who are, frankly, a big too large to be safely allowed into the stadium. From there I knock over a water bottle and smudge a blanket before getting to my spot. Once there I realize I don’t recognize anyone around me and wonder if some kind of rift in the space / time continuum has transferred me to a parallel universe. Or maybe it’s just that I AM IN THE WRONG SECTION! I then apologized individually to everyone in row 40 of section 10, telling them that I am just a poor Beaver fan who has lost his way. Thankfully they decide not to beat me to a bloody pulp.

Second Half Highlights: The sado-masochistic announcer tells the crowd that the temperature is now 32 degrees with a wind chill making it feel like it’s 27 degrees. I hear loud laughter from Carl Burgdorfer’s suite. If possible, the second half is even better than the first. LeGarrette Blount comes in and Duck fans cry tears of joy. Then he scores and Beaver fans cry tears of anguish. The game is a highlight reel of amazing plays and great coaching (and one too many field goals that should have been a touchdown).

Post Game: A few people casually walk down onto the field to join in the post game celebration. And by “a few people” I mean everyone but me. The pain of losing eases a bit when I realize that since the Beavs didn’t win, my kids will have Christmas after all since I will not be spending a small fortune to go to the Rose Bowl.

The Bus: Maybe it’s just me, but being an infrequent attendee of big time football games, it was tough to figure out where the shuttle busses were located. Some signs would have been helpful. There were PLENTY of busses but all the ones I came across were for, oh say, the OSU Marching Band, shuttles to hotels, or guests of the Carl Burgdorfer VIP Limousine Service. Finally I discover that the shuttle busses I am looking for are conveniently located in nearby Veneta. Once on the bus (about an hour after the game is over) the driver mentions he is not familiar with Eugene and doesn’t really know where the downtown station is located. I realize I may never seem my family again.

10:00 PM: Apparently Autzen Stadium is under some kind of cone of silence because I am unable to receive text messages or Twitter updates during the game. Once I get about a mile away from the stadium my iPhone goes nuts with messages from, well, a lot of you guys who could not wait to talk smack.

10:30 PM: I arrive home. Rudy greets me at the door, jumping up and down with excitement – as always - and sniffing me because apparently I smell an awful lot like roasted beaver.

Friday, December 4th

9:30 AM: I arrive at work – early, as usual. Here’s a tip: When you have a lot of work to do but really want to spend the entire day talking about one of the coolest games in the history of college football, something will have to give. In my case it was, obviously, work . . .

One more thing (and I don’t expect to ever say this again in my lifetime) . . .

Go Ducks!

Random Thanksgiving

2009-11-20T11:05:00.000-08:00

It’s that time of year. My favorite holiday is almost here! Thanksgiving is just around the corner! Woo hoo!

If you’re like me (and I know you’re glad you’re not) Thanksgiving in my family is always somewhat chaotic but, in the end, it all seems to come together. In that vein, here are some random thoughts, memories and menu suggestions about Thanks giving. Hopefully, in the end, it will all come together and make sense! Or not . . .

Minimum Standards for a Successful Thanksgiving Meal

* Turkey (duh!) No goose, ham or other unworthy substitutes

* Mashed Potatoes & Gravy. 800 lbs of mashed potatoes and a 55 gallon drum of gravy

* Stuffing. Nothing involving livers, gizzards, walnuts or other exotic ingredients. Bread, seasonings, liquid – mix it together and you’re done.

* Green Beans. Not that disgusting green bean, soup, French onion concoction that everyone’s grandma makes. Yecch!

* Cranberries. Not cranberry jelly – or whatever it’s called - but real cranberries

* Black Olives. One can per person. And yes, I still put them on my fingers.

* Martinelli’s Sparkling Cider. Although there are beers that go well with Thanksgiving dinner (Saison Dupont, for example) my favorite Thanksgiving beverage is sparkling cider. Period.

* Pumpkin Pie. Like vegetables, simple and traditional is best. Don’t be bringing in your Mom’s Famous Mincemeat Pie.

* Whipping Cream. You can never have enough whipped cream. (Am I right, people?) While this can be eaten all by itself, I usually disguise my obsession by eating it with a slice of pumpkin pie. Cool Whip is a sad, sad substitute and has no place at the Thanksgiving table.

Random Thanksgiving Memories

* Getting up early, making coffee and reading the paper while watching the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.

* The Dallas Cowboys and Detroit Lions always play games on Thanksgiving Day. My least favorite NFL team and the perennially worst NFL team. This is not a highlight.

* When our kids were very young we started a family tradition of going to a movie after Thanksgiving dinner. When we first started doing this, the theater was virtually empty. Now everyone seems to do this.

* However, due to the magic sleep potion in turkey, I pretty much always fall asleep during the movie. Movies I have missed large portions of: Toy Story, Toy Story II, How the Grinch Stole Christmas, Catch Me If You Can.

Best Thanksgiving Memory

* Jeremy’s birthday is November 25th and he came home from the hospital on Thanksgiving Day. Nancy’s mother got the turkey in the oven and the rest of the meal started while I was bringing them home. It was a crummy, cold, rainy day (not unlike today in western Oregon) but when we got Jerm home, and our little family of 5 gathered around the table (with Jerm sleeping in his bassinette thingy) it became the Best. Thanksgiving. Ever!

Things I’m Thankful For This Year

* My kids and their S.O.’s. Elizabeth & Jeremiah, Jake & Rachel, Jeremy & Cassie!

* Rudy. And Elizabeth’s enormous yellow lab, Hank.

* My Mom. The unintentionally funniest woman in America.

* My Dad. He provides hours and hours of fun with his unending rants on the current state of affairs in the United States.

* My brother and sisters. Especially my brother’s rebuttals of my father’s rants!

* Beer.

* Friends.

* Great books. South of Broad, Judas Unchained, The Shack

* Trashy TV: Mad Men, Modern Family, Battlestar Gasucktica and, of course, Survivor, Amazing Race and Big Brother.

* Music: Michael Franti & Spearhead, Raphael Saadiq, Melody Gardot, Glee,

* Beer.

* Politics. I’m a junkie for all the in-fighting and stupid commentary on the news channels and blogosphere. Bless you Glenn Beck, Keith Olberman, Sarah Palin, Nancy Pelosi, Sean Hannity, Lou Dobbs, Chris Matthews and Carrie Prejean. Thank heavens we have John Stewart and Stephen Colbert to help us sort it all out.

* My job. Because where else could I work and be able to do this kinda stuff each week!

Stock Market Update: Thursday, November 19, 2009

2009-11-19T13:45:00.000-08:00

Well, let's see what exciting news there is today . . .

Oregon's state economist declares the recession is over! (Feel free to buy that summer home in Maui you've been dreaming about!)

British singing sensation, Susan Boyle sets a pre-order sales record on Amazon. (Just one more sign of the apocalypse!)

Tim Linecum won the Cy Young Award for the 2nd straight year. (Single handedly bringing back the mullet!)

Ireland demands a rematch with France because of the screw-up during their recent World Cup Soccer match. (And still no one in the U.S. cares.)

The University of California Board of Regents are looking at raising tuition by 32% (Message to students: It's not a tumah - it's a tuition.)

And, uh, check out this fabulous headline . . .

In addition to all that interesting stuff, there was a great article in the St. Paul Pioneer Press (say that three times real fast) about some recent remarks Richard Davis made. Many of you may have had this forwarded to you already but just in case you haven't seen it, well, it's below. Definitely worth a read - if only because Richard Davis is so quotable!

St. Paul Pioneer Press
Nov. 18, 2009

Davis has mellowed in his view of TARP
But U.S. Bancorp CEO says Washington feels need to punish banks
By Ann Harrington

When U.S. Bancorp CEO Richard Davis spoke at a business leaders' forum in February, he didn't have much good to say about the government's Troubled Asset Relief Program, which provided the bank with $6.6 billion — but with a lot of strings attached.

Judging by his comments at the monthly luncheon of the Association for Corporate Growth Minnesota on Tuesday, however, his opinion has mellowed somewhat — perhaps because his Minneapolis-based bank is one of the few to have completely extricated itself from TARP. Davis said he believes the program ultimately will be regarded as a decent one with decent returns.

Davis even had positive things to say about the government's stress tests for banks. He got a big laugh when he recalled, "We all went through stress tests. It worked. I was stressed the whole time." (Actually, U.S. Bancorp passed easily.)

But he's wary of what could happen to the financial system from a Washington he characterized as under pressure to punish the banks.

Davis compared the situation to a parent who needs to make a point to a misbehaving teen. It's tempting to take away the keys to the car, he said, but do we really want to chauffeur the child everywhere?

Similarly, he said, if some regulations are enacted, the nation could end up with a financial system in which it is difficult for consumers to get credit cards and businesses to get the loans that are needed to get the economy up and moving again.
Without doubt, he said, there were "some bad actors" in the financial industry, and he apologized "for some of the horrible things that happened." But not all banks are equal, he said.

And bankers aren't the only ones who should share the blame, he said. There also were "billions and billions of dollars" that consumers and businesses borrowed and then didn't pay back. "That's not cool," Davis said.

Moving forward, everyone must deal with all those bad bets, he said. He estimated that between $2 trillion and $3 trillion in assets in the financial system eventually will be written down, "and we're slightly more than halfway there."

Commercial real estate often is seen as a looming problem, but it won't be Armageddon, he said. "Just difficult."

Some banks will fail, and he said the Federal Deposit Insurance Corp. is doing a good job of resolving those situations. But Davis added it could move faster, alluding to "a list we all have" of troubled banks. "Some banks have been on that list for 100 days," he said.

Davis seemed most concerned about the decisions Congress and regulators will make over the next nine weeks, saying he was spending "an inordinate amount of my time in Washington" trying to help decision makers understand the long-term implications of such decisions. He said that one senator (not from Minnesota) told him recently that there was "such a sentiment that we need to punish the banks."

That's where Davis (a father himself) made the comparison with punishing the teenager, and raised the specter of a world where loans and credit become very difficult to get.

Credit is key to moving forward, he said. When asked how we tell when we've turned the page, Davis said he's watching U.S. Bancorp's open lines of credit. Because businesses are moving cautiously right now, only a small percentage of that credit is actually being used. "It's yours to use and you won't use it," he said. When that changes, we'll be making progress, he said.

And one more article about the growth of deposits in the banking industry and how U.S. Bancorp is kicking butt - or, as I like to say: putting more (quality) junk in our trunk!
Stock Price

Stock Market Update: Wednesday, November 18, 2009

2009-11-18T13:46:00.000-08:00

I ran across a headline that I thought was pretty funny:

Man raises money to fly military folk home for the holidays.
Believes that soldiers' time in unconventional combat against unseen extremists might adequately prepare them for a typical family Thanksgiving

But when I stopped to read the article I found that what it’s really all about is very cool. With Thanksgiving just a week away, I thought this was more appropriate than the usual stuff I include here about how Wall Street is doing!

Let's Bring Em Home (LBEH.org) is a non-profit organization, established in 2001, that arranges for transportation for enlisted military personnel who cannot afford the travel costs otherwise. LBEH is active primarily before and during US holidays, giving junior military personnel an opportunity to fly home and spend the holidays with their families. Travel is provided for free to the personnel who qualify. This year LBEH has raised over $13,000 so far this year but needs roughly $16,000 more to fulfill their current requests.

Is that a cool idea or what? Getting enlisted men and women back home with their families for the holidays! Sweet! (Anyone tearing up yet?) And it also reminds me of one of the coolest corporate programs I know of: U.S. Bancorp’s Employee Assistance Fund.

And for those of you who think this might be the kind of endeavor you’d like to support, I can’t vouch for how ethical or well managed they are but a cursory Google search didn’t turn up anything negative. (For whatever that may be worth . . .)

The Dow was down slightly today in light trading. (Okay, I have no idea if it was light trading, heavy trading or no trading at all. It just makes me feel like a CNBC anchor to use phrases like that!) U.S. Bank stock was down a whopping 3 cents.
Stock Price

Stock Market Update: Friday, November 13, 2009

2009-11-13T13:38:00.000-08:00

U.S. Bank stock was down today and (according to a couple of sources I ran across) it is due to some comments by Dick Bove, (AKA, He Who Shall Not Be Named) who said today that U.S. Bank, “continues to strengthen its balance sheet but must do better in controlling loan losses . . . The bank has provided data to show that it is in better condition from an asset quality standpoint relative to its peers, but its loan quality is still eroding and this could create problems with the expansion program and the bank's success in building its balance sheet strengths."

Oh yeah? Well, yo momma’s so stupid she tried to put all the M&Ms in alphabetical order!

There, I feel better!

On the other hand, the Dow was up 73 points on news that NASA said today that there is LOTS of water on the moon. As opposed to cheese, as we were all taught in elementary school . . .
Stock Price

The Name Game

2009-11-13T13:33:00.000-08:00

Remember the old song, The Name Game? (I think that’s what it’s called anyway.) The one where you throw out and name and they sing it back to you in that weird rhyme thing? (“Peter, Peter, bo beter, banana fanna, foe feter, me, mie, moe, meter. Peter.”) Some names were way too tough to use. (Arcata, for example.) And some got your mouth washed out with soap. (like, uh, Chuck.)

It points out how important names can be. Recently The Edge in The Oregonian, listed some, “actual, verified human names, excerpted from the gem of a book "Remarkable Names of Real People," by John Train:”

* Primrose Goo
* Buncha Love
* Sir Basil Smallpiece
* Firmin A. Gryp
* The Rev. Caanan Banana
* Mene Mene Tekel Upharsin Pond
* Suparporn Poopattana
* Strangeways Pigg Strangeways
* Tetley Ironside Tetley Jones (of England's Tetley Tea Co.)
* Carlos Restrepo Restrepo Restrepo de Restrepo
* Melissy Dalciny Caldony Yankee Pankee Devil-Take-The-Irishman Garrison
* Anne Aass
* Virginia May Sweatt Strong
* Supply Clapp Thwing
* Positive Wassermann Johnson
* Unable To Fornicate (Native American tribal chief)
* Appendicitis, Laryngitis, Meningitis, Peritonitis and Tonsillitis Jackson (the other Jackson 5?)
* Larry Derryberry
* Mark Clark Van Ark
* I.P. Frilli
* I.O. Silver
* I.C. Shivers (An iceman. Really.)
* Humperdink Fangboner
* Baroness Gaby von Bagge of Boo
* Charles Adolphe Faux-Pas Bidet

Or, how about these from the Oregon DMV database:

* C. Clinton Biggerstaff
* Jesus A. Colon
* Seema Nema
* Jotta Fern Uren
* Lenola Urie Thweatt
* Leslie Thwingg II

So, for those of you having a baby - congratulations! Having kids is the coolest thing you will ever do! But please, please, please, be extremely careful about what you name your child. Some of the names kids get saddled with are beyond belief! For example . . .

* I knew a kid – all grown up, married and normal now, in spite of the fact her parents named her “Araya.” Nothing wrong with that, really EXCEPT that her middle name is “Sunshine.” Put the two together and you get?

* I knew another kid whose parent’s named him “Daylight.” I was convinced his middle name had to be “Savings.”

* A friend of mine who is a school teacher said she had a girl in her class one year whose names was “Female.” They pronounced it “Fee-Mall-Eh.” Apparently the word “female” had been written on the hospital information for their baby, so they assumed she had already been named and decided to stick with it.

* Back in the day, when I worked at the Center & Lancaster Branch, we used to spend way too much time filing signature cards for new accounts and pulling signature cards on closed accounts. My all time favorite (awful) name came from that experience: “Ursula Lefoifoi.”

My children’s names are “Elizabeth Jayne,” “Jacob Elias” and “Jeremiah Peter.” Before naming our first child Cruella Nancy and I decided on a couple of simple rules. Having these guidelines helped us to have a thread of consistency with their names.

1. Their first names should be classic names. Ones that have stood the test of time. They worked centuries ago and they work today.

2. Their first names should flexible. If they don’t like the full name, they should be able to shorten it or make a nickname out of it.

3. Their middle names are family related. Elizabeth’s middle name comes from my grandmother. Jake’s middle name comes from maternal grandfather. Jeremy’s middle name comes from some guy who was reportedly his father.

I should probably be more open-minded about this but I’ve always thought Congress should adopt a few practical rules that might prevent a lifetime of embarrassment for children. Such as:

1. You cannot name your kid after a country or state: India(.Arie), Chynna (Phillips), Dakota (Fanning), Flo(Rida), and Chad (McDermott) all need to change their names.

2. No nouns for names: Apple, Brick, Lyric, Soap or Lutefisk. (Okay, that last one I threw in just to see if you were paying attention.)

3. No last names for first names: Blake, Lincoln, Tucker, Paxton, Parker, Morgan, Davis, Madison (which means “Son of Maude,” by the way, so it violates rule #5, as well – unless Bea Arthur was the mother)

4. No names you’ve gotten from characters or actors in current movies or TV shows: Raven, Izzie, Serena, Echo, Turtle, Bella (or Twilight, for heaven’s sake) and certainly not Horatio or Homer!

5. Know what your child’s name means: Caleb is a great sounding name but it means “dog” in Hebrew. I love dogs but is that really what you want to name your kid?

6. If you have more than one child, do not have their names all start with the same letter. This is just a practical suggestion. If I had a dollar for every time I called Jake Jeremy OR Jeremy Jake (or just stuttered “J – J – J – J” until I could figure out who I wanted to yell at), I would be a rich man.

So, there you go. Hopefully all of you soon-to-be parents will find this information to be helpful. I would hate to have to put your child’s name up as an example of what NOT to do!

Stock Market Update: Thursday, November 12, 2009

2009-11-12T11:48:00.000-08:00

Big news from the Federal Reserve today! Effective July 1, 2010, banks “will have to secure their customers' consent before charging large overdraft fees on ATM and debit card transactions”

“Under the Fed's new rule . . . banks will be required to notify new and existing customers of their overdraft services and give customers the option of being covered. If customers don't "opt in," any debit or ATM transactions that overdraw their accounts will be denied, Fed officials said.”

This is very similar to U.S. Bank’s previously announced changes in their overdraft policies, so making the adjustment by the middle of next year should not be a problem.

In other fun news . . .

I love it when bad guys get busted! Yesterday a group of folks in Russia, Estonia and Moldova (Motto: A country so nice, we’re named after the scum in our bathtubs!) were indicted for stealing more than $9 million in November, 2008.

The cool part is how they did it! According to the indictment, they hacked into the payroll debit card information of Royal Bank of Scotland’s U.S. payment processing division in Atlanta, GA, and “cloned (44) prepaid ATM cards, which thieves then used to withdraw cash from 2,100 ATMs from 280 cities around the world, including in the U.S. The synchronized operation, which began November 8, 2008, took no more than 12 hours.”

The individuals making the cash withdrawals from ATMs were “allowed to keep up to half the cash they stole and sent the rest back to the ringleaders.” According to an FBI spokesperson, "'the losses could have been much greater had the hacker ring been able to assemble a larger network of accomplices. The size of the human network was a limiting factor, [because] some of the ATMs ran out of money.'"
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Stock Market Update: Tuesday, November 10, 2009

2009-11-10T13:42:00.000-08:00

This is probably just me being a geek but it looks like Wells Fargo isn't just going after the consumer cell phone market but the commercial one as well. And apparently, there's an app for that: "Wells Fargo Brings Commercial Banking Services Wherever You Are with New iPhone Application." Here's part of what the press release says about it:

The new iPhone application is an extension of Wells Fargo CEO MobileSM service, which enables commercial, corporate, and institutional customers to monitor account activity and stay on top of cash management functions while at meetings, in airports, across town from their offices, or doing business around the globe. Wells Fargo introduced CEO Mobile service – a streamlined version of its CEO portal – to a select group of customers in April 2007 and offered the service to all commercial customers in late 2007, becoming the only major U.S. financial services company to offer mobile banking to commercial, corporate, and institutional customers.

In the past year, CEO Mobile service also added Mobile Basic Banking, allowing small business users to access their Wells Fargo cash and credit accounts, view transactions, and transfer funds through mobile devices. Wells Fargo recently expanded its mobile capabilities to allow customers to view and manage some of their loan obligations using a mobile device. The CEO Mobile service has seen new user adoption and usage double in the past year.

In other exciting news (zzzzzz) Cascade Bancorp “announced today that it has called a Special Meeting of Shareholders. The meeting date is December 7, 2009 at 8:00 A.M. Pacific Time. The meeting will be held at 1100 NW Wall Street, Bend, Oregon. Proxy statements are being mailed to all shareholders on or about November 12, 2009.

The purpose of the proxy statement is to solicit shareholders' votes with respect to proposals to:
* Increase the number of authorized shares of the Company's common stock from 45,000,000 to 300,000,000;
* Approve the issuance of up to $65 million of the Company's common stock to investors in private offerings;
* Approve an amendment to effect a one for ten reverse stock split of the Company's common stock and payment of cash for fractional shares; and
* Rearrange the deck chairs on the Titanic. (Just seeing if you’re paying attention!)

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Checked Off The Bucket List!

2009-11-09T14:17:00.000-08:00

Last week I told you about some things I have remaining on my “bucket list” that I wanna do before I die. Luckily, I’ve lived long enough to actually get some things checked off already. Nothing spectacular but, even still, things I wanted to do. For example . . .

Be a DJ
Growing up I thought it would be a blast to be a disc jockey, so, in college I got involved with KBVR at Oregon State and even got to host the morning show a few days a week. I also worked for a year or so at a radio station in Lebanon (Motto: Uh, we grow strawberries and, well, that’s about all we got), where I found that I really didn’t like being a DJ as much as I thought. For more than a year after I quit I couldn’t listen to the radio. And I still hate all the songs from that era. Especially Funkytown!

Surprise my kids by taking them to Disneyland without them knowing until the day we left!
In 1991 we decided to take our kids to Disneyland but thought it would be more fun if we just surprised them. In the years before the trip, every time we got in the car to go somewhere I would say, “Oh heck, let’s not go to (the beach or Portland or camping or whatever) lets go to Disneyland!” The kids would scream and then I would crush their dreams by saying, “Nah, just kidding!” This time, however, we told them we were going to the beach for the weekend. When we got in the car I said (as usual): “Let’s not go to the beach - lets go to Disneyland!” Jeremy (who was 4) cried and said, “I wanna go to the beach!” None of them believed we were really going until we were almost to California.

Go to England
In 1994 I went to Greece (Crete, actually) to testify in the court martial of an Air Force staff sergeant who had stolen money and the activity in his checking account with U.S. Bank was part of the evidence presented in the case. They needed someone from the bank to come testify and, well, I was the lucky one who took the phone call! So, at taxpayer expense, I went to testify in the trial. Since I was going overseas for the first time (and my ex-wife was going with me) I thought we should take some time (at our own expense) to go to England. We spent four days in London and crammed in a ton of sightseeing stuff. (I’m convinced I saw Queen Elizabeth wave to me from a window in Buckingham Palace.)

Go to Israel
In 2001 we took our kids on a two-week trip to Greece and Israel. I was blown away with how cool, interesting and totally different a culture can be. I gotta go again sometime. Jeremy was bored and mostly threw rocks.

Go on a baseball road trip
The summer after Jake graduated from high school (2001 or 2002, I think), he, Jeremy and I took off on a two week road trip and saw MLB baseball games in Oakland, Los Angeles (Angels and Dodgers), San Diego, Phoenix and (on the way back home), San Francisco. We also took in a preseason Raiders/49ers football game – which cost more than all the baseball tickets put together.

Go on a “vacation” that is more of a missions trip kinda thing
I’ve actually done this a few times over the years and hope to do it again. The most memorable experience was over Thanksgiving in, uh, 2002(?) when Jeremy and I went to Mexico City (Motto: Holy crap a lot of people live here!) with a group from Northwest Medical Teams to help pour concrete floors in the homes of folks who scavenge recyclable materials from an enormous landfill. High point: Going to the world’s biggest Wal-Mart to buy a basketball hoop to replace the one we broke so Jerm could keep playing basketball with some of the local kids. Low point: going to a bull fight. Don’t need to see that again.

See U2 in concert
I didn’t get to see The Beatles perform – like Renee Middleton has – but I did get to see the second best rock band play. Elizabeth, Jeremiah and I went with two of their friends (Mike and Grace) to see them in Seattle (Motto: Coolest big city in America) at Key Arena in, uh, April of 2006, I think. Our seats were just about as far away as you could get but it still felt like we were RIGHT THERE! Very cool.

Going to the Final Four
I LOVE college basketball and “March Madness” is my favorite sporting event. In 2006 Jeremy and I got to go back to Indianapolis (Motto: We think we’re a cool city but we got nothing other than a sweet car race) to see the Final Four. George Mason, LSU, UCLA and Florida. Easily the least exciting Final Four I can ever remember. BUT it was a blast to be there – especially with Jeremy. I’d go again in a second.

Drive Cross Country
In August of 2006 Jake got a teaching job in Washington D.C. (Motto: As seen on TV.) That allowed me to fulfill a lifetime dream of driving cross country. We started out in Bend (with his Honda CRV fill literally to the ceiling) and drove to DC in four days. High points: Having a Polygamy Porter at Wasatch Brewing in Park City, Utah (Motto: You ain’t rich enough to even think about living here); playing a quick round of Frisbee Golf at Notre Dame with Touchdown Jesus as our first hole; Blogging about the trip from my laptop. Low point: Leaving Jake and flying home even though he still didn’t really have a place to live.

See the White House
After Jake moved to D.C. I got to see the White House a few different times. It’s just weird to be outside of it and know that the POTUS is somewhere inside. Probably. Also, it seems smaller live and in person like that.

See the Late Show with David Letterman live and in person
In January of 2007 Elizabeth got tickets to the show and a week later we made a whirlwind trip to New York City (Motto: Could there be a place with more cool stuff to see and do? I submit, there could not!)

See a play on Broadway
Same trip! We were dumb enough to go up to the Spamalot box office and ask about tickets for that night’s performance. All they had were Standing Room Only for like $30 – but it was much cheaper than the $400 seats down front and, as it turned out, we were right next to the lighting booth and the House Manager and got all sorts of cool inside info on the show! Plus it was hysterically funny.

Having Kids
Even when I was a kid I thought it would be fun to be a Dad. I used to say that I wanted to have 12 kids. When I got married, my ex-wife said she wanted to have six kids and that I’d have to get the other six somewhere else. We settled on three. It turned out to be even more fun than I expected and, even cooler, they have been fun at every age!

There are probably others but I’m really old and can’t think of any more right now. Time for a nap . . .

Stock Market Update: Monday, November 9, 2009

2009-11-09T13:57:00.000-08:00

The Beavs win at #20 Cal while the #8 Ducks lose to unranked Stanford. And today the Dow reacts by jumping over 200 points and hits a new high for the year!

In other business news, Kraft Foods is pursuing a hostile takeover bid for Cadbury, the UK candy and gum manufacturer. While this isn't something I would normally care about, I am concerned that those disgusting Cadbury Creme (aka "Snot") Eggs that my kids love to get at Easter might now be filled with Velveeta. They're bad enough already without having a toxic substance injected into them! I can only hope that some kind of anti-trust action will keep this acquisition from happening!
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Singing In The Rain: A New Hope

2009-11-03T15:54:00.000-08:00

A match made in heaven: My favorite musical and my favorite movie series. Together again for the first time!

Bucket List

2009-10-30T16:58:00.000-07:00

Although I’ve been telling people I’m 55 for about six months, it wasn’t official until my birthday this past Monday. While I don’t really mind it, how the heck can I possibly be this old already? It wasn’t that long ago that I was playing with the plastic James Bond Attache Case that could shoot rubber bullets! Sheesh!

Tempus Fugit! (Time Flies - for you non-Latin speakers.) Time is kinda like the guy in that old Abbott & Costello movie. The one that scares the crap out of Lou just by slowly saying, over and over: "Slowly I turned; step by step; inch by inch!" The more it happens, the crazier Lou becomes. Time is kinda like that. The more it happens, the crazier I get. Mostly cuz I know I could die at any moment and I still have more than a few things on my bucket list. Such as . . .

* Seeing Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band in concert

* Visiting Scotland, Wales and Ireland

* Going back to Israel

* Visiting a couple of other countries in the Middle East (Jordan, Lebanon, Saudi Arabia, Egypt.)

* Living abroad doing something worthwhile like working for an aid organization or a ministry of some kind.

* Getting an MDiv degree from Fuller Seminary

* Touring the White House

* Going to a live taping of Saturday Night Live

* Seeing the Red Sox play in Fenway Park

* Seeing the Seattle Mariners in the World Series

* Going to an NCAA Men’s Basketball Final Four where the Oregon State Beavers are the Cinderella team that wins it all.

* Writing a novel

* A date with any of the following future ex-wives: Amanda Peet, Lauren Graham, January Jones, Danica Patrick, Betty Nguyen and of course, Erin Andrews.

* Retiring to a cabin in the woods where it snows a lot in the winter and is warm in the summer.

* Retiring to a condo in the big city where music, food, books and major leagues sports are all within walking distance.

* Retiring to either of the above locations with one (or more) of my future ex-wives.

* Living somewhere closer to where my kids live.

There are probably others but I’m really old and tired and can’t think of any more right now. Time for a nap . . .

Stock Market Update: Friday, October 30, 2009

2009-10-30T16:54:00.000-07:00

Apparently the Halloween edition of Live with Regis and Kelly Lee scared the crud out of Wall Street today because the Dow was down almost 250 points and U.S. Bank stock was down almost a whole dang dollar! And if that weren't weird enough, the only banks seeing a gain on our list are local community banks that could go out of business at any moment! Sheesh!

Speaking of ethics (okay, maybe we weren't but this is still semi relevant) I received a link to a good Business Week article today about the impact that strong ethics have on a business. The article is titled: Why Be an Ethical Company? They're Stronger and Last Longer. The article points out that U.S. Bank has “largely avoided the huge fallout” in the financial services industry and points out that we have “a laser-like focus on customer service and on honesty and transparency” that comes from our culture.

It goes on to say that we did not touch “the subprime mortgage securitization market, because they saw it as risky and simply not the kind of business that served the company's long-term interests. I'd wager, as well, that (U.S. Bancorp) didn't feel comfortable asking their employees to sell unethical mortgages to customers, a practice undertaken by many subsidiaries of the big Wall Street investment banks and large bank-holding companies.”

The best paragraph is the last one:

“The moral here is fairly simple: When a company's ethical compass is pointing true north, everything else falls into line. This isn't to say that companies with great ethics don't fail. But it does seem to indicate that companies without good ethics are far more likely to fail due to their inability to sustain or hear an inner voice to guide them through the dark times to the light.”
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Stock Market Update: Wednesday, October 28, 2009

2009-10-28T13:42:00.000-07:00

So, apparently I over-celebrated my birthday on Monday and was unable to get my act together to send out a stock update on Tuesday. As Scarlet O'Hara says: "Tomorrow is another day." Tomorrow is now today (or something like that) and here's what I think I know . . .

West Coast Bank is made up largely of former U.S. Bank employees who defected to the Soviet Union at the end of the Cold War. By and large they have run a pretty good operation but the downturn in the economy has hit them pretty hard. An article from Monday's Oregonian titled, "West Coast Bank Lands New Funds, New Problems With A Cease-And-Desist Order" details some of the challenges. The opening paragraph kinda gives the high level view of things:

West Coast Bancorp revealed Monday it successfully raised $155 million in new capital while also divulging that regulators slammed the bank last week with a cease-and-desist order finding that the bank has been operating in an unsafe manner.

And how about this fun announcement:

The Federal Reserve on Wednesday said it ordered Cascade Bancorp (CACB), the parent of Bank of the Cascades, to halt payment of dividends and . . . will have 60 days to submit the capital plan, taking into account allowances for loan and lease losses, concentration of credit, and projected retained earnings.

Lastly, most of you have probably picked up that I am a BIG fan of Richard Davis and our leadership team as a whole. Today an organization called Glassdoor.com released the results of a fairly unscientific set of reviews identifying the best and worst CEOs in the country. Richard Davis came in at 100 with a approval rating of 61%. He's doing better than POTUS but I think should be ranked a lot higher. The reviews, by both disgruntled and "gruntled" employees (and some ex-employees) are kind of interesting as well, although your mileage may vary.

As far as the market is concerned, West Coast and Bank of the Cascades were both down sharply today and the Dow was down over 100 points. (Geez, I'm beginning to sound like a local news radio guy!)
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Stock Market Update: Monday, October 26, 2009

2009-10-26T13:31:00.000-07:00

Everybody sing!

Happy Birthday to me!

Happy Birthday to me!

The Ducks win.

The Beavs lose.

The Yankees win.

The weather is crappy.

The check engine light came on in my car and it wouldn't get out of 2nd gear.

Someone I used to know and love sent me a birthday greeting with a verse about the importance of avoiding evil.

Some nut case tried to sneak across the border from Denmark to Norway with fourteen (14) pythons and 10 lizards in his pants!

And I turn 55 today. Could die at any moment.

Happy Birthday to me!

So, if you're wondering why the stock market is down, blame me. (Except for Bank of the Cascades which must have had some good news in some of the valuation reports released today . . .)
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Stock Market Update: Friday, October 23, 2009

2009-10-23T14:10:00.000-07:00

I ran across an article on Motley Fool last week titled, "The Biggest Failure of the Year." It discusses the 500,000 mortgages that are now in "trial modification plans" and how successful (or not) this approach may be. What the article points out is that "within three months of modification, more than 40% of borrowers found themselves back in delinquency" of 30 days plus. AND a year after the modifications, about 50% of borrowers were delinquent 90 days or more! Yeesh!

The reason (according to the article) is that "modifications aren't targeting the right issue." In most cases, the average LTV (loan to value) actually increased as a result of the modifications because, generally, late payments and fees, are just "capitalized onto the existing balance." As a result, many borrowers end up feeling an even stronger incentive to walk away from the debt.

The article also pointed out that, by and large, banks aren't doing that many modifications anyway, (only 3% or so at U.S. Bank) so it's not likely to have a significant impact.

I think the article is worth a read and, if you're like me (and I know you're glad you're not) it may leave you with an even stronger sense that homeowners who are underwater are just gonna have to figure out how to swim on their own. As Dr. Phil says: "No matter how thin the pancake is, there's always two sides to it." In this case, this article only looks at one side of the story . . .

In other news . . .

Due to the crummy "I just want to be at home and read a book in front of the fireplace" weather today AND the genuine concern both Duck and Beaver fans should have about beating their opponents this weekend, the stock market fell a bit today . . .
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Stuff My Mom Says

2009-10-23T12:18:00.000-07:00

I spent last week in Salt Lake City with my Mom and her two sisters, Eleanor and Irene. My Mom is 80, Eleanor is 76 and Irene is 72. I got to see a few friends while I was there, as well, but most of my time was spent with my Mom and my two aunts. Truth be told, I had a GREAT time! There is something pretty dang fun about hearing about all those family secrets, I guess.

Even more fun is listening to some of the funny things my Mom comes up with. I’ve probably told you that she suffers from a type of dementia that sometimes makes it hard for her to remember specific words or put together sentences as easily as she once did. I kinda suspect, however, that she knows exactly what she’s doing and uses it as an excuse to say whatever she wants.

In any event, the things she said struck me as so funny that I began to tweet about them and post them to Facebook as well. So, here are some of the things I sent out last week to let the world know how funny my Mom is – with a few other random thoughts along the way . . .

Saturday, October 10th:
* From the Portland Airport: WHAT?!?!? Delta charges $20 for EVERY BAG you check? Not even ONE free? Screw health care! Congress needs to deal with this issue NOW!

Sunday, October 11th:
* Stuff my Mom says: (While watching football - against her will) “Is that what your son does?" "No Mom. Jeremy is a basketball coach."

Monday, October 12th:
* Stuff my Mom says: (After my Aunt Irene turns on a small indoor water fountain) "Who's peeing?
* Stuff my Mom says: "Do you have a girlfriend here?" Me: "No Mom, I don't have a girlfriend in Utah or anywhere else, for that matter."

Tuesday, October 13th:
* Stuff my Mom says: "Opa . . . setic. Opra . . .setic" "No that's no right Mom. It's COPAsetic." "Yes, that's it. I like that word. What does it mean again?" (It means “everything is just fine, A-OK, groovy, etc., by the way.)

Wednesday, October 14th:
* Stuff my Mom says: (Pointing to the "OS" on my Oregon State jacket) "O S . . ." "Do you know what that stands for Mom?" "Uh, ass? Oh no!"

Thursday, October 15th:
* Stuff my Mom says: (after picking up a piece of French toast she accidentally dropped on the floor) "Does anyone want this?"
* Stuff My Mom Says: (Special "Mom laughing after she stuck her tongue out at me for taking her picture" edition")
* Stuff my Mom says: "When we were growing up my sisters and I were all swingers . . . er, I mean singers!"
* Stuff my Mom says: (Me) "Dad fell for you because of a picture of your sister, Clara, holding a huge salmon that you said was YOU?" "Yes."
NOTE: Below is a picture of my grandpa and my aunt Clara, from when she was in high school. She was just two years younger than my Mom and looked a lot like her, so I can see why my Dad might have mistaken her for my Mom. My Mom, on the other hand, was apparently some kind of scheming , man-hungry, manipulator!

* Stuff my Mom says - special Aunt Irene edition: "Billie you could have your marriage annulled for getting married under false pretenses!"
* Stuff my Mom says: "Then there Hollis. His wife died and he was looking for a new husband." "Really Mom?" "No, I mean, you know - a her!"

Friday, October 16th:
* Stuff my Mom says: (after telling about some incident where I did something stupid) "I'll never forgive, I mean forget you for that
* Stuff my GRANDMA said: "If I had gotten divorced I wouldn't have fought for the children." (As a mother of 12 it's kinda understandable!)
* Stuff my Mom says: "I was so surprised to find out I wasn't normal."
* Stuff my Mom says: "It's 'you're smarter than I' not 'you're smarter than ME.'" (Once an English major, always an English major!)

Saturday, October 17th:
* Stuff my Mom says: "What's happening?" "The TSA picked you for screening 'cuz no one looks more like a terrorist than an 80 year old woman."
NOTE: Yep, that’s right. As we’re going through the airport screening process in Salt Lake City, they singled out my Mom for additional screening! We were escorted into a room where they frisked her from head to toe, looked through her purse and asked her some questions to make sure that (at 80 years of age, suffering from dementia and riding in a wheelchair) she didn’t have some plastic explosives or a box cutter that she could have used to overpower the flight crew and take over the plane. (Thankfully they never found the Glock she had concealed in a holster on her right leg.)

And finally . . .
* Stuff my Dad does while I'm gone: Puts this fabulous home made bumper sticker on my car!

Stock Market Update: Wednesday, October 21, 2009

2009-10-21T14:09:00.000-07:00

At one point today U.S. Bank was well over $25 a share as a result of today's announcement of our great third quarter results - not to mention beating analysts expectations for the quarter! However, it settled down a bit in the final hours and we ended the day at $24.43. Still a dang good day for U.S. Bank, especially considering the Dow dropped back below 10,000 points.

If you want to see how folks have reacted to our earnings announcement, check out the links on the Yahoo Finance page for U.S. Bancorp. It has lots of links to what folks are saying about us today. In addition to great comments about beating analysts expectations for the quarter, there was this, in the lead paragraph from the Wall Street Journal story: "U.S. Bancorp views its rising revenue and profits in the third quarter as confirmation that, in banking, boring is better." Boring is better. Sheesh! I know what they mean but my feelings are still hurt.

One other big weird interesting thing in the market today. In addition to U.S. Bank, Morgan Stanley and Wells Fargo also announced really great quarterly results today. However, there is this big hotshot analyst named Richard Bove, who raised some concerns about Wells Fargo's non-performing loans, which have been increasing at a much faster pace than other peer banks. That drove their stock price down pretty steeply, as a result. Imagine how they must feel. Announcing GREAT financial results in the morning, only to have some dude throw cold water on the whole thing in the afternoon! (By the way, U.S. Bank looks dang good in comparison to our peers.)
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Stock Market Update: Tuesday, October 20, 2009

2009-10-20T13:19:00.000-07:00

Reason #401 in our continuing series: Why U.S. Bank is the Best Bank in America and Other Banks Are Just Big Fat Losers:

* On his own initiative, Richard Davis took a 5% pay cut like the rest of us this year AND (according to our annual report) refused his 2008 bonus.
* According to The Wall Street Journal, the "Treasury Department's pay czar pushed outgoing Bank of America Corp. Chief Executive Kenneth D. Lewis into giving back about $1 million he received so far this year and forgoing the rest of his $1.5 million salary for 2009." He was also asked to give up any 2009 bonus.

One voluntarily goes above and beyond what is required. The other has to be told "no soup for you!"

Reason #402 in our continuing series: Why U.S. Bank is the Best Bank in America and Other Banks Are Just Big Fat Losers:

* The (My Little) Ponemon Institute, “a privacy and information management research firm, has released the 2009 Privacy Trust Study for Retail Banking. For the fourth year, U.S. Bank has ranked first. U.S. Bank has also ranked in the top five each year since the study’s inception in 2003.”

And with tomorrow's earnings report (along with one for Wells Fargo) we may have "Reason #404" to add to the list! It all goes to explain why we dropped a whole entire penny today!

One more thing . . . I added a few new banks to the list today. Some big. Some small.
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Stock Market Update: Monday, October 19, 2009

2009-10-19T13:44:00.000-07:00

Sheesh! I'm gone for a week and the Dow climbs over 10,000, Sterling Financial gets a "cease and desist" order and Bank of the Cascades finally plunges below a dollar a share on news that they believe they can pull a rabbit out of a hat by selling "up to $70,000,000 of its common stock . . . to support its regulatory capital needs and growth and to use the remainder for general working capital purposes." (At their current stock price, any one of us can probably afford to buy them outright!)

But the coolest news should come Wednesday when U.S. Bank announces our third quarter earnings! An article on TheStreet.com pointed out something I didn't realize: "Among the largest 10 banks, U.S. Bancorp is among only three to post profits each quarter for the year ended June 30, along with JPMorgan Chase and Bank of New York Mellon." I'm confident the trend will continue!
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Stock Market Update: Friday, October 9, 2009

2009-10-09T13:29:00.000-07:00

What crummy day. Once again I lost out on my bid to win the Nobel Peace Prize to some new guy with no experience. Then I hear that NASA flew a rocket into the Moon - on purpose! That really doesn't five me that good, "Everything's Gonna Be All Right" feeling! So, I've decided to take refuge in the Rockies for a week or so until things cool down.

From the "This Kind of Publicity We Don't Need" department comes this story about a woman who blames Bank of America for her husband's death! She “blamed the stress and anxiety caused by Bank of America's unresponsiveness to their repeated efforts to get a (mortgage) loan modification. “I hold you responsible for killing my husband," she told them. She is still fighting to hold onto her house."

As far as the market is concerned, it was another good day with the Dow climbing by 78.07 and closing at 9864.94. Who knows, it might even creep up over 10,000 while I'm gone. (And I plan to take full credit for it when it does!) U.S. Bank stock ended the week strong as well, closing at just under $23 a share.
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Viewer Mail

2009-10-09T12:19:00.000-07:00

I’m heading out tomorrow for a weeklong “personal stimulus recovery program.” Well, actually it may be more like an “oblication.” (See the newsletter for the definitions.) In plainer English, I am taking next week off to head to Salt Lake City with my Mom! She has two sisters who live there that we’ll be staying with. They are a blast and I always have a good time hanging out with these three blue-haired ladies cuz they are so dang funny! I’m sure I’ll have a few stories to share when I return! Plus, I will get to see a couple of friends while I’m there as well! All the way around, it should be a pretty groovy week. The benefit for all of you is that you get a week off from all the annoying crap I send your way!

Today, however, I thought I might take time to answer a few questions that have come my way. Kind of a Viewer Mail / Letters to the Editor thing . . .

Q. Where do you find your inspiration each week (favorite writer? wealth of knowledge you pull from? bathroom book?) to keep us all entertained with your daily updates with our stocks, and the newsletter.
A. My “inspiration,” if you can call it that, usually comes through theft and plagiarism. Because I have no life, I read and watch a lot of stuff and have developed a habit of making notes of things I think are funny. (Your mileage may vary.) I have no problem recycling those things into stuff I write and while I generally try to give credit where credit is due, I probably don’t do that as consistently as I should. This is especially true with some of the phrases I seem to use again and again. For example:

* Thanks for coming. Good night and drive safely. Although Sandy and I had a lengthy discussion about whether this came from Dave Garroway on the original Today Show OR maybe Arthur Godfrey, I’m pretty sure I first heard it from David Letterman.

* If you’re like me and I know you’re glad you’re not – Definitely David Letterman

* Holy crap! That’s just me (although I’m convinced that Peter Whatshisname who played Ray Romano’s Dad on Everybody Hates Raymond stole it from me.)

* As a condition of my parole – my old friend Ed Burke

* But I don’t know nuthin’ bout birthin’ no babies – Gone with the Wind via someone I worked with back at the bank who would say this whenever she knew the answer to some operations question.

* Your mileage may vary – Dave Barry – the funniest writer in the world.

* May not be used without the express written consent of Major League Baseball – Uh, Major League Baseball, of course, although this is their OLD disclaimer. Now they say something like “may not be reproduced or rebroadcast without involving a lot of attorneys in ridiculous lawsuits.” Or something like that.

* Okay, sports fans! – George Carlin

* Your Momma Don’t Dance and Your Daddy Don’t Rock and Roll – Loggins & Messina

* It’s only a matter of time – Shawn Crawford (in reference to his wife, Lori)

Q. Have you ever thought to go public?
A. Yes, I have thought to “go public” but I think state law prohibits it. Okay, well, I’ve only gone public in the sense that I write this stuff for people at the bank and I also post stuff to this blog I have. That's all the outlet I need. For now.

Q. Are you depressed? Should we be worried about you?
A. My coworkers ask me this every once in a while, maybe because I kinda hole up in my office to work. Or to pretend to work, anyway. While they usually act as if they don't care if I live or die, my best guess is that they ask because they'll be gunning for my job in the event of my untimely demise. Okay, that’s not really true and it’s nice that they care about me. To answer the question, I’m not someone who is depressed very often. I can usually see the lighter side of things in any situation. Even death can be funny! (Divorce, I’m not so sure about though.) I don’t get down very often BUT I am a real live, over the top, hardcore INFJ introvert and am pretty happy being on my own. At work. At home. Wherever. So just leave me alone, okay?

Q. Who are the four main stars of Leave It To Beaver?
A. Hugh Beaumont as Ward Cleaver. Barbara Billingsley as June Cleaver. Tony Dow as Wally Cleaver. And Jerry Mathers as The Beaver. (And just to take my nerdiness one step further – Ken Osmond as Eddie Haskell.)

And with that, I think I’ll be done for a week or so. See you when I get back. Or annoy you anyway . . .

Stock Market Update: Thursday, October 8, 2009

2009-10-08T13:49:00.001-07:00

So, this has nothing to do with anything but, holy crap! Check out this seven (7) foot long dog!!! He's drinking straight out of the faucet!

Here's an excerpt from the article in the Bismarck Tribune:

Boomer may be a buster: Measuring 3 feet tall at the shoulders and 7 feet long from nose to destructive wagging tail, he might be the world's tallest living dog. Owner Caryn Weber says her 3-year-old Landseer Newfoundland keeps all four paws on the floor when he drinks from the kitchen faucet in her family's (Casselton) North Dakota farm house. Boomer stares into car windows eye to eye with drivers. A 20-pound bag of dry dog food lasts the 180-pound canine a couple of weeks. Weber says her furry black and white dog "comes into the house and his tail is so high everything gets knocked around." Weber plans to send Boomer's measurements to Guinness World Records. The previous record holder was a nearly 4-foot-tall Great Dane that died this summer.

Okay then . . .

Tomorrow's Bismarck Tribune headline: "Several Casselton Toddlers Mysteriously Missing. Ginormous Dog Said To Be 'Person of Interest'"

And in other news . . .

UBS has begun rating some financial institutions and ranked U.S. Bancorp as better than most. Wells Fargo, on the other hand, they see as maybe having some rough times ahead.

The Treasury Department released a report that shows 34 banks who received TARP money did not make dividend payments to the Treasury in August as they should have. While most are small community banks, among them are a couple of biggies: AIG and Citigroup. Is it a sign that these institutions are struggling even more than most? Who knows, but I'm just glad U.S. Bancorp ain't on that list! That's mostly cuz we paid off our TARP money and didn't owe anything as a result. (Although, we did pay in excess of $195 million to the Treasury in prior quarters.)
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Stock Market Update: Wednesday, October 7, 2009

2009-10-07T13:54:00.000-07:00

After yesterday's update, a friend sent me a link to a Newsweek article that was written by a guy named Steve Tuttle and is titled, "Welcome To Overdraftville. Population: You. Do we really need Wells Fargo to be our mommy?" I may not agree with everything he says, but he certainly makes some good points, including:

* Lawmakers want to help people by lowering these fees when what they should be doing is raising them much, much higher. Why not charge at least $100 if you overdraft at the ATM?

* The politicians think they're doing the right thing. They argue that the bank fees disproportionately hurt poor people. Wrong. They disproportionately hurt people who spend money they don't have.

* Really, do you need to be told by the bank that you're about to overdraw your account? Are we so pathetic that we need Wells Fargo to be our mommy? You're the one who spent money you didn’t have. You're lucky they cover it and only charge you a fee instead of letting you go to jail for kiting checks. In the old days they used to have a thing called debtor's prison, and people did not like to go there.

* It really comes down to a simple truth that we seem to have forgotten as a nation: if you spend money that is not yours, guess whose fault that is? And guess who should suffer the consequences of your profligacy? Your bank? The store? No. Welcome to Overdraftville. Population: You.

* Maybe they should put one of those warning labels on your ATM card: "For best results, have money before using."

None of this had any impact on the market, of course, which, as usual, did whatever it wanted to do . . .
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Stock Market Update: Tuesday, October 6, 2009

2009-10-06T14:08:00.000-07:00

The Center for Responsible Lending released a study today titled, "Overdraft Explosion: Bank fees for overdrafts increase 35% in two years." I've never heard of this organization before and their web site says they are, "a nonprofit, nonpartisan research and policy organization dedicated to protecting homeownership and family wealth by working to eliminate abusive financial practices." While these folks may not be a banker's best friend, their study is getting some notice and it's worth reviewing.

The summary findings, as detailed in this article on The Consumerist, are:

Finding 1: Over 50 million Americans overdrew their checking account at least once over a 12-month period, with 27 million account holders incurring five or more overdraft or non-sufficient funds (NSF) fees.
Finding 2: Banks and credit unions collected nearly $24 billion in overdraft fees in 2008.
Finding 3: Overdraft fee income for banks and credit unions rose 35 percent from 2006 to 2008.

The good news is that U.S. Bank's recent changes to our overdraft policy go a long ways in addressing these concerns - and more!

Speaking of good news, it was another good day on the stock market. Probably because investors heard the news about this clueless guy who left his $100,000 watch in his Ferrari Modena which he parked overnight on the streets of Jersey City only to find the car had been broken into and the watch and other items stolen. More proof that there is one born every minute!
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Stock Market Update: Monday, October 5, 2009

2009-10-05T13:31:00.000-07:00

A good day for the Dow and for U.S. Bank stock as well. While I have no idea how any of these things might have an impact on the stock market, my best guess for today's results is that it has something to do with any or all of the following:

* Oregon and Oregon State winning on the same day
* USC demonstrating that beating Cal is no big deal - anyone can do it.
* The Twins and Tigers deciding to postpone the final day of the MLB season until tomorrow
* Bret Favre fans / haters likely needing to leave work early to get ready for the big Green Bay / Minnesota Vikings game tonight.

Take your pick!
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Stock Market Update: Friday, October 2, 2009

2009-10-02T14:55:00.000-07:00

So, despite Oprah, Michelle and Barack's best efforts, the 2016 Summer Olympics will not be held in Chicago but in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. While it would be cool to have the Olympics in the U.S. I think this may be the first time a city in South America has gotten a shot - and that's cool too. And, being a big fan of the Olympics and The Girl From Ipanema, let me just say that if any of you would like to sponsor me to be your personal correspondent for the games, I'm in!

As far as the market is concerned, not much impact . . .
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We've All Got Stuff!

2009-10-02T12:52:00.000-07:00

So, last night I’m sitting at home, snuggling with Rudy on the couch, watching Survivor, surfing the web and keeping my phone handy just in case an important text message or Twitter Tweet Thingy comes through. (This is pretty much the same thing I do every evening ‘cuz that’s just how boring my life is.)

My phone “dings” and I look down to see a tweet that announces UO coach Chip Kelly might reinstate suspended running back LeGarrette Blount! Over the next few minutes I get a few more tweets saying the same thing.

And, when I go on Facebook, I see that one of my FB friends, Ryan (famed sports announcer who works with me at U.S. Bank) has posted about it and said, “I’m hoping it’s just a rumor . . .” Me too! I thought Chip Kelly did the right thing the first time. I can’t imagine what he can say that will make me feel any different.

And now, this morning, the rumor became official with the announcement that Chip Kelly says there is “potential opportunity for senior running back LeGarrette Blount to be allowed to have his playing status be reinstated prior to the conclusion of the 2009 season.”

Hmmm . . .

If that wasn’t weird enough, a few minutes later I run across something even more outrageous! It’s a story about David Letterman (my TV hero and mentor) admitting to affairs with female staff members AND that someone tried to extort him for $2 million dollars. The scum! He’s been in a relationship with his now wife (Regina Lasko) for over 20 years and they have a cute 5 year old boy together. And now he acknowledges that he’s done some “terrible, terrible things.” The whole story is pretty bizarre. Letterman talked about it for ten minutes or so on his show last night and while he was very up front about things, it was weird to hear him talk so snarkily (if that’s a word) and, even weirder, to hear the audience clap and laugh along the way.

Hmmm . . .

Both of these situations reminded me of something I have long believed: We’ve all got stuff!

Everyone has things they’ve done in their lives that they are not very proud of. Maybe even humiliating and shameful things. Sometimes they come out into the light of day for the world to see but most often they are buried in the deepest recesses of our hearts.

A few weeks ago I wrote about some of the more embarrassing moments in my life, such as, sending emails to the wrong person, having an “accident” on the berry picking bus, letting the anchor of my Dad’s boat slip quietly off the rope and into the river. In the big scheme of things, those things are pretty mild. If I really wanted to come clean, I’m pretty sure I could come up with a few things that you’d find surprising. However, until the statute of limitations passes, I think I’ll just keep that stuff to myself. (Just kidding!)

It is easy for us to judge others. Even though we all live in glass houses, we’re more than willing to throw the first stone! It’s easy for us to call others weasels (or worse) because of things they’ve done that we find distasteful or even disgusting.

* Mark Sanborn, governor of South Carolina, telling everyone he was hiking the Appalachian Trail while he was really cheating on his wife with a woman from Argentina.

* Michael Vick running a dog fighting competition where the dogs literally fight to the death.

* Eliot Spitzer, former governor of New York, cheating on his wife with a high priced call girl.

* Pete Rose betting on baseball.

* Merrill Lynch and AIG executives taking HUGE bonuses while American taxpayers are bailing out their companies because of their incompetence.

* Former Oregon governor, Neil Goldschmidt, admitting he had sex (raped) a 14 year old girl. (What is it with governors anyway?)

* Legarrette Blount punching people

* David Letterman messing around with his staff.

And we all know friends, family members, co-workers who have done some pretty awful stuff. For example:

* Abusing a spouse or their kids
* Stealing money from where they work or from others
* Driving drunk
* Not being honest about the hours they worked on their time card
* Cheating on their taxes
* Getting some “freebie” because were able to work the system
where they work

What a bunch of weasels, right? Throw the book thrown at ‘em! Send ‘em to jail. Give ‘em the death penalty! Hanging’s too good for ‘em!

But, before heading down that path, take a close look at yourself. Deep down all of us would have to admit that some of these kinds of things are true of us as well. We’ve all got stuff.

I’m not at all saying that we shouldn’t hold people accountable for their mistakes. In fact, the world would be a better place if everyone was held accountable for their actions and not given an easy way out. BUT I do think we shouldn’t rush to judgment when an athlete, talk show host or just someone we work with does something wrong and gets caught. Chances are, we’ve done something equally crummy – but we just haven’t been caught yet.

We’ve all got stuff.

Philip Yancey tells a story in his book “What’s So Amazing About Grace” about Will Campbell, Yale Divinity school graduate who was involved in the civil rights movement. As Yancey relates, “Campbell's theology was undergoing some testing in those days. Much of the opposition to his civil rights work came from "good Christians." Campbell found allies more easily among agnostics, socialists, and a few devout Northerners.”

One of those was a newspaper editor, P.D. East who asked Campbell to define the Christian message in ten words or less. Campbell responded with, “We’re all bastards, but God loves us anyway.”

Later on, after a close friend in the civil rights movement was murdered, East put Campbell’s definition to the test.

First, he asked him whether his friend had been a “bastard.” Campbell replied that, even though he was a gentle and loving man, that everyone is a sinner and in that sense he was a bastard.

Then, East asked if his murderer was a bastard. That was easy to answer. “You bet” was the reply.

Then the reporter pulled his chair close and said, “Now which of these two bastards do you think God loves the most?” Here’s how Campbell describes his response:

“Suddenly everything became clear. Everything. It was a revelation I began to whimper. But the crying was interspersed with laughter I was laughing at myself, at twenty years of a ministry which had become, without my realizing it, a ministry of liberal sophistication....

I agreed that the notion that a man could go to a store . . . fire a shotgun blast at one of the customers, tearing his lungs and heart and bowels from his body... and that God would set him free is almost more than I could stand. But unless that is precisely the case then there is no Gospel, there is no Good News. Unless that is the truth we have only bad news, we are back with law alone.”

The love at the center of the Good News is not just for the deserving, but for those who deserve the opposite.

It may be that we’ve all got stuff but even so: We’re all bastards, but God loves us anyway.

Stock Market Update: Thursday, October 1, 2009

2009-10-01T13:31:00.000-07:00

Ken Lewis, CEO of Bank of America announced he is stepping down before the end of the year, about a year and a half before he had intended to retire. As this article from Fortune speculates, "with the Merrill deal, Bank of America's Ken Lewis finally falls victim to the pressure of lawsuits and regulators." Those golden commodes will send you up the proverbial creek every time!

The market reacted by plunging over 200 points today! And U.S. Bank stock was down 75 cents as well. Percentage wise we fared better than most but the day was still one for the crapper, so to speak . . .
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Stock Market Update: Tuesday, September 29, 2009

2009-09-29T13:26:00.000-07:00

It's time for all of us to move into the 21st century. Mobile Banking is the next big thing and it's here right now! It will be important for us to be familiar with it because this is the way more and more customers will be handling their banking. You don't wanna get left behind!

U.S. Bank's Mobile Wallet application is now available to anyone and everyone! A press release issued today says, "U.S. Bank Introduces Downloadable Mobile Banking Application." The article goes on to say that to "register for the Mobile Wallet or to view a current list of supported devices, U.S. Bank customers should visit usbank.com, log in to Internet Banking, and select Mobile Banking. The Mobile Wallet rounds out U.S. Bank’s selection of mobile banking offerings, which also includes text message account alerts and a mobile web site."

I downloaded the iPhone version and it works well. It doesn't look like I can use internet bill pay yet but hopefully that's coming soon! If you have an iPhone, Blackberry or any of the other supported devices it works on, you should definitely check it out. And, if you don't have a phone that supports the application it BUT you still have access to the internet through your cell phone, you can always use U.S. Bank's mobile web site at www.m.usbank.com.

The market was down today and so was U.S. Bank stock. I believe there are two reasons for this. 1. Barbra Streisand released a new album today. 2. The Angels clinched the West; keeping the Mariners from earning a World Series title once again. Investors are understandably depressed.
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Stock Market Update: Monday, September 28, 2009

2009-09-28T14:03:00.000-07:00

As if Bank of America didn’t have enough trouble, some guy is suing them for "1,784 billion, trillion dollars!"

Here’s a few excerpts from the Reuters article:

“Dalton Chiscolm is unhappy about Bank of America's customer service -- really, really unhappy.”

He has sued BofA and its board, “demanding that "1,784 billion, trillion dollars" be deposited into his account the next day. He also demanded an additional $200,164,000, court papers show.”

“It's larger than a sextillion dollars, or a 1 followed by 21 zeros. Chiscolm's request is equivalent to a 1 followed by 22 digits.

"He seems to be complaining that he placed a series of calls to the bank in New York and received inconsistent information from a 'Spanish woman,'" the judge wrote. "He apparently alleges that checks have been rejected because of incomplete routing numbers."

"’Incomprehensible,’ U.S. District Judge Denny Chin said in a brief order released Thursday in Manhattan federal court. Judge Chin gave Chiscolm until October 23 to better explain the basis for his claims, or else see his complaint dismissed.”

And, as you would expect, BofA's stock was one of the bigger gainer's today. We didn't do too badly either!
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How America Will Look If Obama Wins!

2009-09-27T12:50:00.000-07:00

Or not, as the case may be. Doonesbury nails it!

Not Quite Like Daddy

2009-09-27T00:51:00.000-07:00

Francis Schaeffer wrote books so intellectual and dense I could not even begin to read them. His son, Frank Schaeffer is pretty dang smart too but quite a bit more plain-spoken. You may or may not agree with him but what he has to say is certainly interesting.

Stock Market Update: Friday, September 25, 2009

2009-09-25T13:29:00.000-07:00

You may have already heard about U.S. Bank's upcoming change in our overdraft policy, that was announced yesterday. This is easily one of the biggest changes in all my years of banking! In the event you somehow missed it, here's a summary:

* Eliminate overdraft fees when a customer’s account is overdrawn by less than $10, regardless of the number of overdraft transactions that may have occurred.
* Limit the number of overdraft fees to no more than three per day.
* Offer “opt out” ability to any customer who would prefer that we decline or return any transaction on their account, whenever possible, when they are presented against insufficient funds.
* Continue to offer free mobile, email and internet banking alerts to customers so that they can become more aware of their available balance and manage their spending accordingly.
* Provide new customers the ability to “opt in” to overdraft privileges with U.S. Bank. This choice allows customers to define how they prefer transactions to be handled by the bank when there are insufficient funds in their account.
* Establish an annual cap on the amount of overdraft fees that can be assessed on any single account at the bank.

In addition, U.S. Bank will conduct a full evaluation of “how best to handle the posting order of debit items and checks.”

So, how did the market react? Well, our stock was one of the few bank stocks I track that took a bit of a jump today!

And as an end of the week special treat, here's an interesting story I got from Ashleigh Martins at 29th & Willamette about one woman's encounter with Bank of America . . .

Two weeks ago, Ann Minch of Red Bluff, Calif. announced in a YouTube video that she'd launched a one-woman "Debtors' Revolt" and would refuse to pay off her credit card balance after an unfair interest-rate hike. Now, after her video made a huge splash, Bank of America has agreed to reduce her rate.

Minch said in a video posted Saturday that a Bank of America executive contacted her on Friday.

"He asked me to talk a little about my personal financial situation so we can negotiate some kind of agreement in regard to my existing credit card account," she said. The executive "tried to get me to agree to 16.99 percent and I said, 'No, nope, I believe because you guys are getting your money from the Fed at zero percent interest... that 12.99 percent is a more than generous profit margin for you guys.' So he did finally agree to that and he also agreed to send me that in writing."

Minch's first video has been viewed over 240,000 times. After the Huffington Post featured the 46-year-old stepmother of two in a story, she found herself inundated with media requests from the likes of NBC, CBS, Fox News and also a local reporter.

Minch said the Bank of America executive was very polite and didn't bring up her video, in which she called Bank of America executives "evil, thieving bastards."

So, the moral of the story is: A rolling stone gathers no moss. No, that's not it. A stitch in time saves nine. No . . . Yo momma's so fat that when she sits around the house she sits AROUND the house. Hmmm . . . You can fool some of the people some of the time but fool me twice and shame on me. Oh, wait, wait, wait! The squeeky wheel gets the grease!
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